Wandering Fireflies

Chapter 19: Say You'll Never Let Me Go

Song: I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys

How is it possible that one person can single-handedly turn your world upside-down and change everything that you thought you knew about yourself?

"Earth to Zaavan, are you listening?"

I snapped out of my thoughts and reluctantly turned my head to face Vance. Damn, it's so hard to look him without getting a weird tingly feeling inside my chest. And I shouldn't be feeling this way about Vance or any other guy. But man, when he looks at him, it feels like having the wind knocked right out of me.

"Are you still thinking about yesterday? Because if there's something on your mind that-"

"Nah bro, chill. It's cool, I don't really want to talk about that right now." The rest of yesterday was kind of a blur. Vance stayed for a bit but left before my parents got back and freaked out that I had someone over while I was on my period. But it's not my fault - I never would've let Vance stay over if I knew I was just about to get it.

Vance nodded. "If anything, I'm here for you man." I didn't really want to bother Vance with this shit. Neither of us are really into deep, emotional conversations and I get that he doesn't really know what to say to me sometimes. But that's cool - I know he tries.

"Yo Vance, why are we going this way?" I normally rode to school on my bike with Katja and Dashiell, but I didn't really feel good to cycle today. Besides, Katja is probably going with Ariadne and Kennedy and Dashiell left early to go print something out from the library.

Just then, we stopped in front of a house and I groaned as I saw Ahmed and Zhang walking towards us. I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head at Vance.

"Seriously?"

"Bro, come on. Zhang really feels bad about-"

"Yo dudes, 'sup?" said Zhang followed by a "Hey guys," from Ahmed.

"Zaavan look, I know what I did was a total douche move and I'm really sorry-"

"It's fine. Just don't mention it. EVER." Okay, if I was being realistic, I would've probably held a grudge against him until the day I die, but only because it meant a lot to Vance I forgave him. Zhang went on about a new conspiracy theory he heard about but I wasn't really paying attention.

Guess what I was doing? Staring at Vance like some obsessed creep. But I couldn't help it. I hung onto every word he said because the sound of his voice was enough to make my stomach feel uneasy. But you know, maybe it was just the cramps. As much as I hate to admit it, just being with Vance made me happier than anything else in the world.

"This guy is seriously out of it today," laughed Vance as he slung an arm around my shoulders. My breath caught in my throat and I tensed up at the feeling of his body against mine.

"Uh, yeah sorry I'm just really tired," I said casually, trying to shake off the tingling feeling I felt wherever we made physical contact. The smell of AXE shampoo and Vance's cologne filled my lungs and sent my senses into overdrive. Shit, I've got to stop feeling like this.

But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't. My heart started racing faster because I actually liked it when Vance touched me. And I hated it when people touched me, but it felt different when Vance did. I liked the feeling of his body pressed against mine - it felt like nothing I've ever felt before in my life. I wanted to be even closer to him, maybe feel his soft lips on mine...

But I can't. Because this was wrong. It was so wrong on so many levels. Vance is my best friend and I couldn't risk screwing things up between us. I don't know what I'd do if he hated me. But still, I can't be feeling this way about him. We're both guys, I mean that's just gross. It's sick liking another guy like that when I myself am a guy. God, I'm seriously messed up.