I AM (Connor X OC) - DBH

Chapter 31: Understanding

In an incredibly similar manner to before, Connor took the Lieutenant home, and then volunteered to walk me home.

"Listen, Connor," I began about half way through the walk. "This whole deviant thing is really picking up."

"You sound...worried," he responded.

"I'm not. I just predict difficulty in the coming hours."

"Well, you're helping me with the investigation, so I can't imagine it won't be that difficult."

"It's not just that though. This headache is really getting to me. Something about it is screaming that we'll get separated."

"I promise you that if chaos ensues, and we get separated, I'll do everything in my power to find you."

"Why would you do that, Connor? You have a mission. I can't be a bother," I said seriously.

"You're an important part of my mission. Without you, I wouldn't be able to understand deviants, or...even be here."

I stopped and turned to him. "You're not giving yourself enough credit. Stop that," I said firmly. I could see his LED flash yellow and red quickly for a moment.

"What am I not giving myself credit for?" He asked, clearly upset by the idea.

"The entire investigation. I haven't done anything," I responded.

"If that's how you want me to frame it, then fine. This investigation was absolutely all my doing."

"There you go," I answered starting to walk again. Connor did the same, keeping pace with me.

"This recent arrangement is quite interesting to me."

"You walking me to the Deputy's house? Yes, it's silly."

"At least it's not mundane," Connor responded.

"Sometimes, I would prefer mundane. Boring isn't complicated."

"We're machines designed to handle the complicated," Connor responded. With that, Connor won that discussion. We continued to walk for a bit before Connor spoke again.

"Some of the people we've passed on this walk could not even be people," Connor noted. "They could be deviants."

"Then they've got to be pretty confused by the sight of two non-deviant androids holding a conversation, and walking somewhere."

"I suppose they would stare, yes," Connor answered. "Don't you ever wonder what a deviant feels like?"

Of course, I do, Connor. Of course, I do. Except, when I went to say 'yes' I couldn't.

"No," I answered. That's not what I want to say.

"Connor...no. I meant to say no. No!" I yelled. Why can't I say yes? Connor looked confused. He's analyzing me.

"Your LED is flashing. I suppose that's the wrong question to ask," he said simply.

No...Connor. Pay attention to me! Isn't it clear I'm screaming out something else? The silence is deafening as we continue the walk. Connor doesn't mind it, but I do. I...want...yes. I absolutely want to tell him that I understand him, but I can't.

It's like...I'm stuck inside of my own body. I wonder if this is how deviants become deviant. Is it a clear option? A boundary screaming at them to escape? I don't even see the option to break my protocol. I'm...stuck inside of myself.

If only Connor knew. If only he knew that perhaps...I'm not as machine as I put on. I care about people that I'm not supposed to care about, like the Deputy, and Christen. I couldn't hurt either of them by letting Fiona get affected by the investigation. No...I couldn't.

I can't stand the thought of my oblivion. I don't want to die or be replaced or shut down. Whatever you want to call it. I don't want it. I don't care if my memories or whatever will be saved. It won't be me, it will be Charlotte 2.0 and that scares me.

I can't stand the thought of letting Connor get hurt. Him almost shutting down terrified me. The fact that he just moved on meant that I had to, but the truth is...

I would've lost someone who seems to have the capacity to understand everything that I am.