Paint You Wings // Ashton Irwin [au]

Thirty-five

Emilia's POV

I lie here motionless on my side, pondering the events of last night as I stare up at the sleeping boy whose arm is wrapped securely around me and his hand resting on the small of my back. Our bodies are so close to each other. Flesh to flesh (with the exception of my bra) with no space between us. With each breath he takes, I can feel the rise and fall of his chest against mine along with his steady heart beating in perfect time.

His usual scorching body heat has simmered down to a bearable temperature and I'm actually content with it. Although that could be because the blanket that was covering us last night is now at the foot of the bed, covering only our feet, so there is no added layers that would cause me to burn up.

What Ashton did is something that I can never forget. Every touch, every kiss, every reassuring word that he spoke; they are forever carved into my memory. I was only fearful when he first kissed my neck, but when he pulled away and made me look into his hazel eyes—the ones that aren't even remotely close to Jared's, I felt safe again.

So, so safe...

Everything that I was scared of before diminished into thin air. No more Jared. No reoccurring past memories. Everything was replaced with Ashton. But I know that just because I was okay with it last night, doesn't mean that I'll be fine the next time.

I can't rely on Ashton to fix me. He can help, but ultimately, I have to be the one to overcome this. I have to be the one to gain the strength to push past this hurdle and have full trust and confidence in him. He's already done so much and I hate how there is still an invisible wall standing between us after everything that has happened. I thought that each of those gigantic barriers have been knocked down, but it's as if without my knowledge or wanting, one rebuilt itself to protect me from someone that I don't want to be protected from.

I don't want to be protected from Ash. I want to be able to be in this relationship without my past demons haunting me every time we progress further intimately. I'm sick of it. I told myself that I wouldn't let Jared's existence affect me any longer and I need to stay true to my word. He damaged me, but with the help of Ashton, I'm slowly being repaired. I will get through this. I will overcome this fear. I will break down this wall for good and be set free. I don't know how long it will take, but I will make it happen.

Ashton shuffles around me, pulling my body impossibly closer to him and rests his chin on top of my head. "You're okay, go back to sleep," he barely whispers.

"How did you know I was awake?" I ask.

He shifts away from me, just enough so that he can see my face as he opens his eyes slightly. "Because you were telling me your thoughts."

My eyebrows scrunch together in confusion as I try to understand what he means. Was I speaking what I was thinking without knowing it? "How much did you hear?" I ask.

"Not much," he says. If I weren't lying down right now, I would be a puddle on the floor from just the sound of his raspy morning voice.

I raise a brow and let the sarcasm flow out. "Can you be anymore vague?"

"Yes." His tired eyes squint as he grins lazily. I shake my head and laugh lightly at his smartass response. When our eyes meet once again, the lighthearted expression that was present just seconds ago on his face changes to contentment. "We're the same."

His statement throws me off and I can't think of anything to respond with. We're the same in many ways, but in what way does he mean? I study the flecks of green and brown within his iris and try to find a meaning to what he said, but there is nothing.