Trying to Forget You

Chapter 12: Shattered

Ella's POV

I have never understood how wonderful running is, how much freedom it brings until now.

There is something about the way the wind painfully hits your face, the way your calves and thighs burn and your heart races, that is so painfully beautiful. It hurts, but the pain only makes me run faster.

I take off into the night and I run until I see the sun coming up over the horizon. Once I see those shimmering rays, I stop. I let myself slip and fall to my knees and take a few deep breaths before I start to cry again.

Go ahead and cry. Cry with everything you have, but don't you dare let anybody see you, ever. Cry with every ounce of you're broken heart and scream louder than you ever had before. But whatever you do, don't keep it in and don't stop, not until you have absolutely nothing left.

I followed those words like an instruction manual. He told me to run, and not to stop until I had absolutely nothing left. And as I sat down on my knees, I for the first time felt like I had nothing. I didn't have a good home, good parent's, I didn't have any friends anymore, I didn't even have love.

I look up at the sunrise, pink and gold painted on the sky like watercolor. I stared at it for a long time, because it made me forget where I was. It brought up a feeling in me, that made my heart beat a little faster. It was enchanting.

I stand up and start to run again, taking off toward the sunset. I only stop momentarily to take off my boots and then I start running again, faster. I feel the wet grass on my bare feet, caressing my skin. I suddenly slip, rolling down a muddy hill. I lay down at the end, my limbs sore and mud covering by body. But I slowly sit up and get to my feet shakily before taking off again.

I run as fast as I can towards the sun rise, as if I am running after the sun in hope of catching it. I ignore my throbbing ankle and muddy clothing and pick up my pace.

A few minutes later, I stop, staring up at the blinding sun. I feel like I am at the end of the world, standing over a cliff that drops over one hundred feet down. I close my eyes and lift my arms, embracing the warmth of the sun and the golden color that brings light to my closed eyes. It makes me smile, the warmth, the light, it's almost like a small glance of hope.

I promise Ella Grace, everyday I will make you smile.

I hear his voice in my head, in the wind, whispering in my ear. I start crying, but I don't stop smiling. I may look crazy, a girl crying and smiling over a cliff, but at the moment I don't want to feel anything else.

I don't know what to feel, because all I feel is numbness. I am just waiting for myself to wake up, because this has to be a dream. It just has to be. 

I let the sun hit me some more, letting it's rays wrap around my cold body. Then I realize, that this is where my Jake is. He is the warmth wrapped around my body, the whisper in the wind, he is the sunrise that paints itself across the sky.

But I want him here, with me always. I want always to be forever.

I finally turn away, letting my arms slowly drop. The sun has now risen in the sky, the sunrise now disappearing. I now have a strong desire to go home and lay down in a den of warm blankets.

I miss him, more than anything I ever have in my whole life. Why, of all things did I have to lose him? I keep walking and let more tears fall, they feel good against my cheek.

I look around, noticing that I don't know where I am anymore. Instead of freaking out about it, I decide to climb the hill in front of me, the way in which I came. I walk over the hill and walk through the park. No animals, no people, no sound. The birds seem to be in mourning, not daring to sing their morning song. It is still too early for anyone to be at the park, except for one.

I stare at the blonde boy on the park bench, smoking a cigarette. Noah. I shake my head and ignore him, I don't want to talk to anyone right now. Especially not him.

I don't even want to see my mother at the moment, because I know what she will say, what they all say.

It's going to be okay.

That is the biggest lie anyone have ever said. Jake's gone, so how will anything ever be okay again?

I end up walking the other way home, refusing to walk back toward the hospital. Just the thought of the hospital makes me want to break down and cry.

I step up to my front door and with a shaking hand I open the door. I step inside, the house is dark and quiet. Too quiet. I slam the front door and I fall down onto the ground, sliding onto my knees again, sobbing. 

"How can this get any better!" I scream as loud as I can.

"How? Do you hear me? How I am I supposed to get over this? I can't be without you!" I sob louder. My cries shake my whole body, so much that I have to struggle to breath. I hit the floor with my fist, screaming and sobbing.

"I love you! Please, come back to me! I love you!" I cry convulsively, grabbing my aching heart.

I stop crying long enough to stand up and wipe away the tears then storm into the kitchen. I throw open the cabinet and grab every glass that I can then I throw them, shattering every piece. I scream and grab some wine glasses, throwing them against the wall. They crash, which echoes throughout the silent house.

But I keep one glass and set it gracefully on the counter top. I flick on one light, only giving me a small area to see clearly. I walk over to the shattered glass and stare at it's glittering pieces before I kneel down and start picking it up.

The glass pieces cut the palms of my hand and fingertips. It hurts, but I ignore it as I pick up every piece, letting my dark red blood stain every clear shard.

I throw them away in the trash bin and stop crying, only small hiccups now escape from my mouth. I walk over to the cabinet and pull out one of my mother's wine bottles, then pour some of the red liquid into the one wine glass I gave left, which still sits on the dark gray countertop.

I pour my wine glass all the way, then grab onto it with my bleeding palms and drink the whole thing. I continue this routine until the whole wine bottle is gone. Then, I get another wine bottle. I fill up my cup again and I drink it all until every last drop of liquid touches my tongue and burns the back of my throat.

"I love you." I slur, my vision getting blurry. "I will always love you, Jake Andrews."

I look towards the front door as I hear the hinges creak open. I can barely make out the black figure in front of me, but I watch it race towards me.

"Ella! What the hell did you do?" I hear a male voice roar in fear. Strong arms wrap around my body and steady my back, gently lowering me to the ground. 

I feel tears roll down my cheeks, then I smile and let my eyes slowly shut as I begin to hum.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey,
You never know, dear, how much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away...

This book is very emotional for me, but I want to let you all know that there is hope coming soon! There is always sunshine after the storm, and Ella is about to find that out. Thank you all for your support, I would love to hear from you!

Much love,

FreshFictionFan