𝗗𝗢𝗡'𝗧 𝗙𝗢𝗥𝗚𝗘𝗧 𝗠𝗘 | 𝘼. 𝙃𝙊𝙏𝘾𝙃𝙉𝙀𝙍

sixteen

Leaving him alone in the room, you covered your mouth with your hand and let the tears fall along with the knot in your stomach that was once full of hope and anticipation- now, it wasn't even there at all. You were just empty, again. The rest of the team were walking up to Hotch's room and saw you, holding your arms and trying to stop you from leaving but you just pushed past them all.

From a distance, you heard them greet him and he responded with joy, knowing exactly who they were. Spencer stood in the corridor, watching as you broke through the two doors and left the hospital. Crisp and cool, the air was near suffocating as you got away from that place and looked up to the sky, feeling the warmth of the tears running down your cheeks. You swear you felt your heart break into pieces as the man you loved saw nothing but a face. There was nothing. You looked towards the road and saw cars passing by, but behind that, a couple were walking past shop windows, linking arms and burying their love between them.

You stared as minutes passed by, and eventually wrapped up the courage to walk back in. They were stood outside, talking. Wittering. Probably about you- when they saw you they stopped. Your eyes were raw, and they could tell the difference from your usual pale skin tone. Glancing through the window, your expression changed as you saw him and he met your gaze- then, right at that moment, you felt everything all over again. Looking back at the team, Reid walked forward.

'He doesn't remember me,' you cried, and Spencer hugged you as you wept, the rest of them walking over and doing the same. They rubbed your back and you nearly screamed out, all the while Hotch was looking out of the room at what was happening. Rossi made his way into Aaron's room and sat down; there was a lot of pointing towards you but all you did was stare. JJ was stroking your hair and Garcia nearly cried too and all you felt was pain. Pain worse than when you were shot or when you lost your parents or brother. Probably because Hotch was alive and you had to live with the fact you weren't even a memory to him.

             'Excuse me, miss?' a nurse woke you up, you were cold, and the hospital was eerie. You remember the team leaving but you were adamant to stay with him- you'd stayed this long, a couple more hours couldn't hurt.

'Yes, sorry,' you came around.

'We have results on the tests, and it shows that he suffered severe head trauma. He might not remember anything from about six months to a year ago,' she justified, turning back to you, 'I'm sorry,' she said, walking away. Gazing into his room, he was turned away- more than likely sleeping- so you sat by the side of his bed. This time it felt different, there was no hope left in you. You just sat. Waiting. Waiting for what exactly? The inevitable to happen, that he'd turn over and see you just as he did a month ago- but no. Silence drowned you as you looked down, fiddling with a button on your jacket, feeling sick, alone and overall vacant. Sheets moved.

'Dave told me what happened.'

'Oh,' you answered him lowly.

'For what it's worth, I'm sorry,' he leaned towards you.

You looked up, tears hazing over, 'For what?' I know exactly what for.

'That I don't remember you.'

'Hotch, it's not your fault.' I wish I could blame you and hate you.

'It might not be but, I must've been important to you- given your reaction out there,'

'If I'd found you sooner-'

'Don't,' he told, 'Don't do that to yourself. Look, I don't remember you now, but I want to try.'

'I appreciate that,' you spoke lowly, almost inaudibly whispering as not to cry as your eyes met those earths again, and right there it was clear how much and how long you had loved him.

              Within the week, Hotch was ready to head home and it was you who offered to drive him; you opened the door for him and called for Jack who came sprinting in towards his dad. Laughing a little, you handed him back his door key.

'What's this for?' he held it up.

'Well you don't want a stranger being able to open your front door now, do you?' you smiled so you didn't cry.

'Oh, right. Thanks' he gestured and you raised a hand. Haley's sister came up to him and hugged him tight, hugging you too.

'Beck, it's so good to see you. Thank you for bringing him back, he's been missed' she taunted.

'Yeah. He has,' you rested a hand in your pocket, looking anywhere but at them.

'Beck, please stay for dinner,' she offered, and you backed towards the door.

'Oh, no, I should get going' you stalled.

'Please,' Hotch said, 'It's the least we can do,' and the offer was sealed.

               Jack had overdosed on Bolognese and Hotch had put him to bed, leaving the three adults sat at the table. Barely getting a word in due to Haley's very talkative sister, you kept staring at Hotch, imagining what it would be like if he knew who you were. If only he knew. By now you would've been swept off your feet and he would have talked with you for hours, about how you found him and what he had missed- or, how much he had missed you, and that was the only thing keeping him going. She didn't know he'd forgotten you yet, and you had to tell her.

'Beck, you should've heard him talk that night you two went on a date,' she spoke loudly, and he looked at his plate.

'Hm?'

'He rang me just before he was about to leave telling me how nervous he was and what a night he had planned. It must've been magical,' she leaned on her hand.

'Yeah,' you coughed, 'Yes, it was.'

'Tell her about it,' Hotch gestured to his sister in-law. He wanted to hear it for himself as well as for her, but you didn't know where to begin.

'Well,' you started, 'He picked me up with a bunch of flowers- lilies- my favourite, and then we went to this lovely Italian restaurant. He also took me to a theme park, where we rode the Ferris wheel and gazed at the stars. That's where we had our first kiss, right at the top of that wheel. So, we danced our way back to my apartment and yeah. My, he was dapper that night. The handsomest man around,' you recalled it all like it was yesterday, looking at him the entire time you told it. This time, there was no emotion behind his eyes- just when you thought there was something, maybe a spark. Nothing.

'I'm going to check on Jack and leave you ladies to it,' he excused himself, clearly wanting to get away from his guilt. Watching him leave, you decided it was time.

'He doesn't know who I am,' you stated, scrunching a napkin hard in your hand.

'What do you mean?' she didn't understand.

'He suffered head trauma and has some memory loss which includes me. I'm just a stranger to him now.'

'But he just-'

'I know. He wants to remember but,' you stopped.

'But what?' the now concerned sister asked.

'But I don't know if he will,' and just at that moment he was back at the table. Your eyes were fixed on nothing but him and she could see that. She could see that desperation to cry out how frustrated you were but all you did was sit and smile- hoping it would all go away soon.

'Well, thank you so much. This was lovely, I'll be making my way home now,' you got up and so did he.

'I'll see you out,' he nodded and opened the door for you. Just as you left, Aaron spoke again.

'I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable back there, I was genuinely curious,' Hotch admitted.

'No, it's okay. If you didn't ask I would've told you sooner or later,' you laughed awkwardly.

'Thank you for coming,' he warmed, leaning closer towards you and gesturing for a handshake, 'Goodnight.'

In confusion, you looked up and down, taking his hand and shaking it- without saying another word. Closing, the door clicked,and you were left in the dimly lit hallway, knowing there and then that you would either have to live, or let him go.