𝗗𝗢𝗡'𝗧 𝗙𝗢𝗥𝗚𝗘𝗧 𝗠𝗘 | 𝘼. 𝙃𝙊𝙏𝘾𝙃𝙉𝙀𝙍

twenty

Bobbing tumultuously in the curved bowl, they sunk and rose and spun around aimlessly, just as your stomach did too. Every small bit of cereal floated without purpose before you and the sheer thought of eating one of them made you sick. What could you say? He didn't remember a thing and you kept forgetting that. Rossi and the man you were avoiding walked past and were talking about some evening meal Aaron had attended; your hand clenched the side of the counter so hard your knuckles went white as if you were trying to grip back into reality.

'What's she like?' Dave asked aloud, clipping the floor with his heels as he spun around and faced you, Aaron in the foreground of his perspective, 'Is she cute?'

'Well, yeah,' he stammered, 'She's lovely and I intend to see her again,' he grinned at Rossi who in turn, was glaring at you over the brim of his cup.

'Her name?'

'Beth,' Hotchner glanced to his right, walking from the bullpen and up the stairs to the table. Behind them, your face was painted red; that red of a bull after being wound up like a clock. The pair before you stopped for a brief moment and you pushed between them, causing a look of confusion to creep atop of their faces as they sat down too. Every single woman in the room was slightly mad at Hotch for a matter they knew was out of their control- yet they couldn't yield their frustration regardless. He scanned the room and saw some form of irritation on each of them and burrowed himself in his file to avoid it until Garcia began speaking.

Breathing shakily, you dug a nail into your wrist under the table and picked at it over and over until Hotchner had spoken, announcing that the jet would leave when everybody was ready, and people had begun standing. Even though you were the last to stand, you were the first person out of the room and heading towards the jet. Reid followed close behind and swooped after you, striding harmoniously with your shorter, more angry steps.

'Everything okay?' breathlessly, he spoke to which you didn't reply but made your way into the elevator and pressed the button before anyone else could get in, feeling the cold stare on your face grow and shun anyone away who dared to ask.

Hitting them all like a truck, your overall demeanour and outlook changed on the jet. From being cold, aggressive, and moody back at headquarters- you were now open, a little miffed but in general, it seemed that you'd suddenly come around the bend. Yes, Morgan and Reid may have overshared estranged looks towards each other, but not a word was spoken about the incident- the case simply progressed.

'Dave and Morgan talk to the M.E and find out whatever else you can, JJ- you, Reid and Prentiss head to the residence crime scene and meet with the sheriff there. Beck and I will go to the police department and set up. We should be landing in about an hour' told the SSA and you departed from your seat within a fraction of a second, nearly pouring yourself a whisky over water. Rossi got up too. Shit.

'So-' he scratched at his head

'Please,' you begged, 'Don't treat me like the victim here,' you looked deep into his dark eyes and saw the ever-growing sympathy he withheld inside. Enough to make you weep a little, he fixated his glare onto you and waited for you to finish, 'I'm happy for him.'

After confessing this, Dave shifted on to his left foot, 'Beck. It'd be understandable to not be,' he made you realise as you saw Aaron behind the agent in front of you. Him.

'He's moved on,' you nearly cried, 'He's moved on, Rossi, and there is nothing I can do except be happy for him. He really did look...' you trailed off; thoughts of your first date clouding like a storm above you- raining, thundering and striking your heart with lightning, 'He looked happy. That's all I want for him now,' you admitted, you really, really admitted that and meant it all the same.

             Forgetting completely that you had to survive an hour-long journey with just you and Hotch in the car, the one word to sum up your entire feeling was shit. Picking up bags, the team dispersed with their dedicated people and skipped merrily to an SUV. Hotch opened the back door and let you place your bag inside, then proceeding to open the front one for you and let you get in. Reminding yourself he was simply just a gentleman, you nearly broke the door from a hinge and buckled yourself in. For the most part, the journey was silent with the occasional check in from other members of the team, and even still a little callous, you were burning to know what she was like.

'Well,' you leaned your head far forward and smiled with a hint of defensive sarcasm, 'How did it go?'

Gripping a little harder around the leather wheel, he sterned his concentration on the road and sighed. Glad you'd accomplished your mission of pissing him off just a teency bit, you grinned & looked away, 'It went fine,' he shortened.

'Oh, come on, it was more than fine,' you tugged, 'Your face lit up this morning,' you pried again as he grew in annoyance.

'What are you getting at?' he spat, which made you genuinely take a few steps back. No, this isn't how you wanted him to be about you. No, you regretted it almost immediately.

'Nothing, Hotch. I was just curious. You looked really happy,' you moved the hair from your face as you apologised.

'Right- sorry. I didn't know if you were mad,' he loosened his grip and relaxed again, letting his walls down slightly. Peering out of the window, you asked the question you already knew the answer to.

'Why would I be mad?'

'Because it's been a while, and I still don't remember you,' Hotch consoled, looking into your eyes for the first time in forever.

'Right,' you saddened, bringing that piece of hair over your face again.

               Holding a hostage with a thin slice of metal at her throat was something you didn't anticipate in this unsub and you could see the increasing instability in his mind and tone. After killing anyone who wronged him for the same misfortunes that led to his mother's fate, he lashed out- exploded in fact, and took a woman in his clutch with a blade pressed to her neck.

'I'm gonna take her. We're going to leave and there's no way any of you agents are stopping us,' he growled like an agitated dog, spitting his demand.

'No,' you refused, 'No- you're going to prison, and that lady is going home. To her mother, George. To her family,' you tried to churn his empathy and for a second, you thought success was in reach.

'You really think I'd let her go?' he laughed, and your earpiece echoed with Hotch's voice. Spence and Dave were behind you with their guns pointed towards him- a clear shot was not in line.

'I think you're smarter than that,' you oppressed him, 'Think about this...' you started, as Aaron said that you should continue just a little bit, 'A normal bystander, what difference will that make? Taking her means nothing, George. Taking a federal agent would do much more damage' you proposed.

'Beck,' Spencer stepped forward, but you motioned him away and continued.

'Taking an agent would tell everyone how they should fear you for what they did. They couldn't help your mother, why should they help anyone else if they're only going to fail?'

'Beckett stand down,' Hotch ordered through the mic as if you were taking it too far, but you could see the wager brewing in the unsub's mind. He was considering.

'People will honour you, George. They'll have a hero,' you praised him for his killings- yes, this was the right way.

'Beck, stop. Back away.' Hotch nearly yelled which made you pull out the earpiece; both Rossi and Reid were sharing worried glances as they saw you were completely relaxed in this situation. It was at that moment an insane idea sprung to mind- an utterly crazy, stupid idea. Turning to face Rossi, you smiled and nodded at him, Spencer tilting his head- almost as if he had realised what you were about to do, mouthing 'please, no' but you nodded and smiled at him in a way that he should be sure it would be okay. Placing the earpiece back in so the rest of the team could hear, you inhaled and closed your eyes- knowing that you didn't have much more to lose. Your decision was made.

'Take me instead.'