Saving Celestine

CHAPTER 19

Celestine's pov :

I lifted my matress to find the tiny blade I took out from the sharpner I stole from Zanders office. I held it between my fingers and just looked at it . "Do it Celest or are you too scared like all those times before when you turned into a whimpering mess " one of the voices in my head said . "shut up shut up shut up shut up" I screamed over and over in my head until the voices were a low buzz in the back of my mind .

I hate Zander for associating this with him . He told me a few months back that if I ever felt like harming myself to simply go to him and he would ask me no questions unless i wanted him to . I have felt like going back to my old methods a few times and those few times i always escaped my room and went to his office or his room and sat quietly by his side , he always offered me a glass of milk then sat quietly beside me and just did his work never questioning, his company was enough to quite down my loud thoughts . But right now I want to be anywhere but near him . I don't want to be near any of them .

I lifted my shirt sleeve and bought the blade near my wrist . The edge of the blade felt cold against my skin but all I could think of was Leos words . In some way he was right I wasnt fine .

I am still not fine with the fact that Haru died because of me . I am not fine with the fact that my ability to walk was taken away from me , my soul was again stripped away from me , my consent was again ignored . I wasn't fine with any of it . But my biggest problem was why wasn't I fine .

My life has never been butterflies and rainbows , it was always a struggle to live through everyday yet I was just fine before . Almost three years ago before Haru and Kaz found me in the institution my life was always like that , horrible and simply not mine to live for . Then why am I not fine with it now when I was before .

I pushed the blade and very slowly dragged it against my skin . I wanted to feel the pain , I wanted to feel something other than the agonising feeling of being me .

I looked down at my wrist and saw the blood drops slowly fighting to come out from under my skin . I have heard people say that seeing the blood come out felt like being free but I have never felt like that . the blood resembled my freedom leaving me because someone decided to cut me open . It resembled all those times I was forced to do something against my wishes .

The pain was just a temporary solution to distract myself from thinking . The voices also shut up when I focus on the blood .

More and more drops of blood started oozing out from my cut and I felt more and more dizzy as the minutes passed , it might be due to the blood loss or exhaustion but I couldn't care less .

I pressed the blade against my skin again, right above my fresh cut . I pressed it harder than I did before and slowly started dragging it . This time the blood came out much faster compared to before .

My thoughts trailed back to kaz . I know its not true but it feels like Kaz abandoned me . Why hasn't he found me yet . Does he also blame me for haru's death . Has he started to realise that maybe that day when he found me in the institution , almost dead he should have had left me there instead of taking me in , to become part of his family , after all I did kill his sister . No I am not going there , if I think about her I am afraid I will do something worse .

Why am I still thinking about being rescued by someone . I am so pathetic , why do I depend on everyone when in the end I am nothing but a burden .

I looked down to see my black sweater had a big stain on it . It was my new favourite sweater which Leo got for me when we went out for shopping a couple months ago . I removed the sweater after wiping off the blood from my wrist and threw it somewhere .I don't want anything from him on me , he could go jump off from a hill for fuck sake and I couldn't care less .