Pregnant and a Victor

The Giving Up

I don't remember thinking. I don't remember pain. I don't remember hurting. All I am doing is screaming.

Screaming for lost hope. Screaming for giving up. Screaming for my lost family. Screaming for love. Screaming for Peeta. Screaming for me.

I don't know how to let go. All I know is that my throat feels like it's being pierced by thousands of knives but that has no effect compared to the pain in my heart.

I'm hurt. I'm broken. I thought I could still be strong. Still be the mockingjay. The truth is I can't. I can't be strong. All I am is a bird with a broken wing. I a bird that can't fly, and never will again.

My pitch is cracking. Every second my scream gets sharper and thicker like the pain I feel when I think about what used to be.

Nothing has ever hurt me more. Not starving. Not burning in the arena. Not the poison fog. No amount of torture they've put me through. Not even the death of my father.

Nothing compares to the Peeta shaped whole straight through my heart and my strength.

I've gone out of breathe. I open my eyes sobbing and gasping for air. I see the faces of the other captured tributes around me laying in their separate cells but watching me.

They gave up a long time ago, and I should've too. I knew it was lie. I knew he never loved me. I had believed the act was becoming real and I was wrong. Snow really opened up my eyes. He showed me how everytime Peeta had 'saved me' was actually a back fire from his plan to kill me.

It all makes sense. No one like him would ever love me. I'm a failure. If only I had never saved him in the first games. I wouldn't be in this spot.

My cold, wet face is thickly stained with my tears and sorrow. Never again will I fall in love.

The others look heart broken. Pained by my misery. They've forgotten their own and they try to tell me how he did love me but they don't know the real story that Snow showed me.

Johanna's face is sunken in and her skin is tight to her bones. She told me before if I thought she looked bad to look at myself.

Thinking about her words I stand and walk over to the 'wall' separating us. My hand reaches out to touch the cool bars. My fingertips graze across the surface sending chills down my spine at the moment it touches.

I do not want to be here. I have to get out. We have all come to terms with the fact that we won't be rescued and we most likely won't escape either. Each second I'm in this hell hole the pain gets worse. I will never know my daughter and she is trapped with Peeta.

Peeta. His evils. His lies. He is my demon. He is the reason I'm here in the first place. Johanna screams at me everyday to remember, to know the truth, but she doesn't know what Snow has told me. No one knows. I was sure I had remembered things before, but I guess not correctly.

Everyday is an even harder battles and I know less and less everyday of what happened during it. I don't know what I've done today. I don't know what I was told today. I am weak. I am weaker with every waking hour and sleep is a trap in which I refuse to sink into without a fight. Nightmares. Peeta. The Games. My family. All evils. All demons.

I start to feel my eyelids get heavy and holding them open is a chore. I do not want to hurt anymore. I do not wish to live with the pain and suffering of not only myself, but all those around me.

In an instant I hear the iron doors of which hold me creek open. From the way comes voices in which I can not identify words but instead just gravels whisks of sounds. I do not turn my head as I'm sure it's only peacekeepers coming to drag me to another public appearance on screen.

Someone grabs my arm and I immediately feel safe from there touch. This starts to pull me out of my daze as I realize it's completely black everywhere. I can not see anything but a faint glow from the face of whoever grabbed me. There mask has a small light that shines onto me but I can not see in to them.

"Katniss?" they ask as another person grabs my other arm and they begin to carry me. That voice registers into my brain faster than you could say their name.

I'm in utter disbelief as my limp body is being helped out into the open and away from the cell. I see others being taken away from theirs with the same tiny lights gleaming their faces.

Gale. He is saving me.