Troublemakers!Benchtrio AU

Chapter Twelve

  Whew, back. Gosh, writing angst makes me want to cry. It's like reading it, except you only have yourself to blame. 

  Song is Hate Me by Nico Collins and art is by Vita of Dream XD. 

  Thank you so so much for reading! I love you all very much. <3 Be careful and read the trigger warnings, because the angst isn't over yet. 

  P.S. Don't forget to read the rest of this update, chapters Eleven, 11.5 Pt 1, 11.5 Pt 2, the 10k special, and the New Story / AU Poll. 

  Trigger Warning(s): swearing, major argument and fighting, overdosing/unprescribed pill taking, distorted body image,

  Rylan's POV: 

  F*ck. 

  I was curled up in my room, the door shut firmly and blankets pulled over my head. The blinds were shut. My hands were over my ears like that would stop the voices in my head. 

  I couldn't stop crying. It was one of those times where you couldn't stop sobbing because you felt so awful, but you couldn't stop feeling awful because you couldn't do anything but cry.

  I wished that things had gone better.

  But they hadn't.

  I hiccuped, my chest hurting with the violent motion. I gripped my pillow tighter, wishing I could disappear to somewhere else. Anywhere else.

  Shut the f*ck up! It's not like you bother to tell us what's wrong! 

  I shakily smeared the tears off of my face uselessly, because they were just replaced seconds later. 

  I took some deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself. My head spun. I could not get the words, or the fight out of my head. 

  You're such a g*dd*mn hypocrite! 

  I buried my face into my pillow, hoping the darkness would envelop me and take me away. It didn't, and my stupid brain kept running over the scene on repeat, making me feel worse and worse.

  Eventually, my sobs abated, and I ran out tears. I wasn't feeling better. Normally, crying until you couldn't keep crying helped you get things off of your chest. It made your load feel a little lighter. At least, in my experience, it had.

  I just felt burned out.

  My phone buzzed, and I turned to it. I didn't bother to look at who it was, but instead threw it across the room. It landed g*d knows where. I scrubbed my eyes again and sat up, throwing my blankets off me.

  I ignored my binder, not wanting to put it on, even if it might make me feel better about myself. I needed a break from all that. 

  You're not a man.

  I opened the door to my bathroom and then closed it behind me after I flicked the light on. I locked it. My bathroom was a mess, and so were Tommy and Toby's. When the others had come to help clean, they clearly hadn't wanted to invade more than they already had. 

  I was grateful for that, and not for good reasons. I felt guilty for lying to Floris about not having very many pills left. I had a lot. It was almost enough to seem like a collection or something. Then again, what was there that I didn't feel guilty about?

  Not my gender. I always felt like I was just some dumb pretender, or like I was lying to people, when they talked to me completely unaware that I was trans. 

  Not my relationships. I was literally just a weight. A burden. Toby and Tommy constantly had to deal with my problems and my breakdowns. Kirstin and Phil loved me, even though it meant bringing all of my worries on top of them. Floris had to deal with my stupid hesitancy.