Secrets Until Someday

Chapter 47

Sydney's POV

I felt Brooks's distance from the minute he came down the stairs. I could tell by his lack of eye contact and the way he moved slightly away every time I got close. I heard it in his voice and the lack of emotion whenever someone spoke to him. It was as if he wasn't really there, just a shell standing in the kitchen. The only time I saw anything more from him was when his mom needed something or the grief overtook her. Something in his eyes told me he was being strong for her and something even bigger told me to keep my distance because I could feel that that was what he wanted. 

Quinn, Kelsey, and I helped clean up the kitchen after Mrs. Dawson's sisters cooked dinner, as delicious as it smelled no one hardly touched it. The comfort of food couldn't touch the heaviness of everyone's emotions and eventually, Mrs. Dawson finally told us all goodnight knowing that she had long days ahead of her. Brooks walked her carefully to what was now only her bedroom and I watched them carefully climb the stairs as he handled her like a fine piece of china, afraid that moving too fast was going to cause her to shatter. My heart swelled at the sight, knowing the pain he himself was feeling. 

I selfishly wanted to be the one caring for him in that way but I tried to stay focused on Layla, as the night went on we were able to pull a few smiles from her but I couldn't help that my heart was torn, as I cared so much for my friend, I wanted desperately to be also caring for her brother.

After the last few family members said their goodbyes the tiredness hung heavy on Layla's face. The girls and I put away the last of the dishes while the silence settled around us. Brooks had once again disappeared and the four of us stood in the kitchen unsure of what to do next. 

"Thank you guys, for everything, I wouldn't have gotten through today without you," Layla said, her voice hoarse from exhaustion.  

"You don't have to thank us, we'll be here for whatever you need," Kelsey reassured her and reached out intertwining her fingers with Laylas. 

"Is there anything else we can do?" Quinn asked. 

"Will you guys stay? I really don't want to be alone right now." a pleading look in her eyes. 

"Of course," I tell her quickly as we all wrapped her in a hug. 

After we let our parents know that we were staying, we made our way downstairs to the game room. Layla got comfy clothes for all of us to wear and as we settled in on the couch and floor my mind wandered and my heart cracked at the thought of Brooks, wherever he was, trying to carry this hurt all by himself. 

***

I woke up covered in a cold sweat. My blanket was tangled between my legs and as I untwisted the fabric I was caught in, my eyes did their best to adjust to the darkness. I peeked over at Layla, her head buried under her pillow, and knowing she was actually sleeping gave me a sense of relief. I knew she needed it. 

The dryness in my throat made it hard to swallow so I crawled my way off the floor and to the steps in search of something to hydrate with. I tried to keep my footsteps as soft as possible so I didn't wake any of the girls and winced when the door creaked as I pushed it open. My eyes were still closed and my jaw clenched as I stepped into the hall and ran smack dab into a hard surface. "Shit," I whisper-yelled as arms I knew so well wrapped themselves around me. My eyes slowly opened and memories flooded my mind of where this all started so many years ago. Too quickly the arms around me stiffened and as I looked up to meet Brooks's eyes I couldn't help the words from slipping out, "We've got to stop meeting like this." 

His lips tilted just the slightest but the emotion didn't reach his eyes. My heart sank in my chest as he let me go and backed away into the kitchen. I followed slowly, my eyes on the ground and my hands fidgeting with the sleeves of my shirt. "Hi." was all I could think to say as the tension built around us. 

"Hey." 

"How are you doing?" I asked, taking a step forward. I watched the muscles in his arms tense as they crossed his chest. He looked around the room avoiding my direction as he took a deep breath, "I'm okay I guess." 

Uneasiness settled over every cell of my body, I felt him pulling away from me with every second, and as much as I knew he was hurting my heart told me to hang on as tightly as I could. I fidgeted with my hands, and rocked back and forth on my heels, the ache in my gut grew into my chest, and further up into my throat. I knew if I didn't say something I was going to choke on the refusal of letting out my words. "Brooks," I said with enough emphasis to get his attention. "Look at me." 

A second went by and he didn't move his eyes from the window above the sink. 

 "Brooks," I said again, softer this time. Another moment passed until his eyes met mine and my breath caught behind my words. The minute we connected I felt the tether, the love, and my heart fall back into rhythm and as I held his gaze I watched a single tear fall down his cheek. My legs wobbled at the sight as I moved toward him and wiped the moisture from his face. "Baby, please let me in. Let me be there for you." I begged, wanting nothing more than to wrap my arms around his neck and pull him into me but I didn't know how far to push and I had no idea what he was thinking. I left both hands lying on his cheeks staring into his eyes and a whimper fell from his lips as his head collapsed into my shoulder, and sobs shuddered out of his strong body. 

I reached up onto my tippy toes and wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could while he finally let go of everything he was holding onto. I didn't know how long we stood there like that but I knew I didn't want to leave. I felt his cries slowly subside as I ran my fingers through his hair and whispered to him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. He slowly lifted his head, his cheeks red, his eyes bloodshot and I ran my hand softly down the side of his face searching his eyes for an answer to what he needed from me. "Talk to me,"  I whispered. 

"I don't know what to say." his voice was soft, broken, and still so distant. His hand moved to the nape of my neck and I could tell by the look in his eyes there was something battling inside of him. He lowered his face and placed his lips gently on mine, they moved slowly and softly as if he was trying to tell me something with his kiss that he couldn't say with his words. I wanted so badly to believe it was his way of letting me in, but something in my mind told me that he was trying to say something very different. I pushed the thoughts away as fast as they appeared and pushed myself against him further. 

Suddenly I heard, "Oh, oh...I'm sorry." Mrs. Dawson's voice came in quiet, choked with tears from the edge of the kitchen, and Brooks forcefully pulled me away from him. It took me a moment to register that we were no longer alone and my body begged to stay close to him and his warmth, instead all I felt were his walls going back up. 

Brooks left me in the kitchen and moved after his mother into the living room. I couldn't hear what they were whispering but I wanted to give them their space so I filled a glass with water and slipped back down the stairs. 

My heart plummeted with each step I took away from Brooks and I tried to tell myself that everyone grieves in their own way. That he needed time to process and if I loved him that's exactly what I would give him. I wasn't going to give up on us and I could love him through whatever it was that was to come. He needed time and I could give him that.

AN: That parallel to when they first ran into each other *tears...