Secrets Until Someday

Chapter 6

Sydney's POV

A shiver runs down my body as I throw my duffle bag in the back seat and without turning around my already hoarse voice cracks further, "Good, and I'm in a hurry so I better get going."

I feel his presence even closer as I open my driver's side door and attempt to get in the car as fast as I can, he reaches for my arm, and electricity flies through my entire body. His long fingers wrap around my limb and I tense. The warmth of his hand sends me to a place that I swore to myself I would never go back to. I jerk my arm away as moisture pools in my eyes and my heart begins to ache.

"Don't." I glare at him through my strained eyes as I resist letting the tears fall.

"Sydney please just talk to me, all I want to know is how your life is." He pleads.

"My life? It's fantastic, that is until this oh-so-lovely encounter. Are we done here? All caught up? Good. I've got places to be." I snap, pulling my arm and my eyes away from him.

"I...I...I just wanted to see you. " he stammers backing away, realizing that his charm would not work this time.

"Go ahead and take a good look then because let's hope for both of our sakes we don't have to replay this scenario again." As I slam the car door for the second time this week speed out of the parking lot.

This time feeling even more uneasy than the last.

       ***

 I woke up the next morning in Quinn's bed with a pounding headache. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I knew seeing him was going to resurface all the anger I felt toward him but for a second there it felt like I was drowning and had forgotten how to swim.

That's the shitty part about giving your heart to someone who breaks it and then suddenly reappears. It's hard to stay angry when all you want to do is fall apart. On top of all of that, I have to pretend like everything is fine. Why would anything be wrong? How are you supposed to be upset over a breakup in a relationship, that no one ever knew you had?

    I lay there a little longer and then decide it's time to peel myself out of bed. Downstairs Quinn is sitting at the kitchen table shoveling cereal into her mouth. The moment she sees me she drops the spoon and jumps up.

    "I promise, I'm okay," I throw up my hands, "I literally don't think there is a single tear left in my body to shed. And I'm not even sure why I cried so much, to begin with." I allow her to pull me into a hug, "I mean it's been over a year. You would think that he wouldn't still have that kind of a hold on me." I say as I slump further into her arms. 

I pull away thinking about the way my skin tingled at his touch the night before. I place my hand over my arm as if I'm trying to rub away the memory of him from ever being there. I wish it was that easy, but  I knew deep down he had burned himself within me further than just the surface of my skin. He was buried there, within my heart constantly reminding me that I was not and will never be good enough for him.

    "Well, it's the first time you've seen him since, well you know, everything. So I'm sure it just finally hit you. What he did, and how he..." Quinn's voice slowly fades, her words unable to meet my eyes.

    "Don't, please." I stop her before she can finish. That's not something I want to relive before coffee.

    She didn't push, thankfully, that's the best part about us. We know when we need the push and we know when we need some time. Right now, I needed time to distract myself enough until he was gone again.

***

    We spent the day like we spend most Saturdays after a big game, resting up all morning until we head into the local cafe to meet the group for lunch. The guys finished watching the game film and then headed there as soon as they were done. To my advantage this week they were all distracted enough by the big win that no one had mentioned Brooks... yet. 

The conversation flowed back and forth enough that I was able to push my parking lot run into the back of my mind when the bell above the door dings and three familiar faces walk in.

Mrs. Dawson, Mr. Dawson, and...Brooks.

They take a seat at the corner booth as Layla jumps up to go over and greet them. My entire body feels like it's on fire and I excuse myself to the bathroom, the guys barely notice and Quinn just gives me her I'm sorry eyes unsure of what else to do without making a scene.

  I push through the bathroom door and lean against the sink. I turn on the faucet and blast some cool water all over my face. Get it together Sydney. Get it the fuck together. I pat my face off and walk back out to my seat, head held high.

    Maddie comes over once more to see if anyone needs a refill and to check in on whatever conversation we are having at the moment. She's working today, it seems like she's always working really, but she doesn't have much of a choice. If she wants to cheer or do anything with her friends she has to pay for it herself. 

Riley pipes up lifting his glass to her, and as he does so I notice the blush on his fair skin. His shy smile glowed at her in a way I'd never picked up on before. Well, that's new...I think to myself.

Distracted by this sweet new discovery I had slightly forgotten the adrenaline pumping through my body. The sweat on my palms reminds me really quickly and the knot growing within my throat gets bigger, my entire being is consumed by the reminder of who is now across the room.

 While Layla chatted with her parents, Sam, Luke, and Clay walked over to join her but their focus was on Brooks.
Quinn and Riley stayed at the table with me and I sit back in my chair doing my best to stop the shaking in my hands or at least enough that no one else can notice. Maddie drops off our checks and the three of us take care of ours then proceed to slowly make our way to our friends, I keep myself to the back of the pack.

 As we reach the table the proximity becomes too much and I make up an excuse as to why I need to rush off. I practically ran out of the restaurant before anyone could question why.

***

     The rest of the weekend I locked myself in my room, claiming that I was sick. No one read too much into it and Quinn already knew the real reason, so I was off the hook for a few days. 

    Monday morning rolled around too quickly and the week began. The hours dragged on but the days seemed to go fast like I was trapped in some weird time warp. I'm pretty good at covering up whatever is stirring in my head with a few jokes and big smiles so I put on my best face and floated through classes, practices, and evenings at home with mom and dad. 

By the end of the week, my excuses were getting pretty lame as to why I was so checked out. I had given up trying to be creative, I was way too distracted. My mind was too busy replaying memories of a younger me, happy and hopeful dreaming of the moments I spent with those hazel eyes and tanned arms wrapped around me. Reminding myself that, that's all it was Sydney...just a dream.

 He made it clear that you were never going to mean to him what he meant to you. The reminder sent a pang through my heart. That's the thing about pushing things away and covering them up with mascara and sarcasm, eventually, it catches up to you...and apparently, my emotional debt has come due.

***
    Our game was away this week and as we piled onto the bus, I slide into my seat next to Quinn. It's game day, and no time to be sulking. I can return to my sad little place in the world tomorrow.
    The game goes by with a flash and I welcomed the adrenaline of another victory. I let myself celebrate with the girls the entire bus ride home, dancing in our seats and begging Coach K to constantly crank up the radio. It was a huge relief to my body that had been so tense for days.

 As we arrive back at the school and cheer the boys on as they rush off the bus and into the school were all surrounded by the excitement of the game. As we waited in the hall for the boys to come out we hear Clay yell to the team, "Celebration party at Logan's family lake house!"

 The guys begin to chant and we laugh as we follow them out of the building, a perfect distraction from the destruction brewing in my heart.