Anuj's claim to affection (A Karna-Arjun what-if story)

The impracticable knowledge

Arjun's pov

To celebrate the impeding crowning of their jyesht, Bheem and Nakul had gathered a feast for fifty in which only ten were invited apart from the five of them and their mother: Pitamah, Uncle Vidur, Uncle Dhritarashtra, Aunt Gandhari, their Guru Dronacharya, his son and their friend Aswatthama, and three of their cousins, Vikarna, Yuyutsu and Duhsala.

Of course, they did not mention the occasion out loud. To everyone, it was ostensibly an advanced celebration of their mother's birthday. 

Yudhishthir insisted they should not hold feasts for serious and debatable occasions like crowning of heirs, but Bheem and Nakul would not listen.

"Debatable, jyesht?" scoffed Bheem. "Who in this whole kingdom would be a better king than you?"

"Maybe jyesht is anxious about Duryodhan's disappointment," said Nakul smoothly.

"Are you?" demanded Sahadev.

"No," said Yudhishthir. "I am not thinking of Duryodhan. It is just...Arjun, do you think it is right to be showing off like this? Arjun?"

"Y-yes--jyesht--" Arjun shook himself out of his stupour. "What did you say?"

His brothers gave him funny looks and explained the issue to him.

"No," said Arjun, despondently. "I do not think it is right."  

"What is wrong with you?" asked Bheem, astonished.

Yudhishthir seemed to have sensed Arjun's mood; he put an arm around his brother and led him away.

"What is it, child? What happened?"

Arjun avoided the question. He was not sure why he avoided it. He could just tell his brothers of what he had learnt. It would undoubtedly be easier to bear for the five of them than for him alone.

But not once, among the times he tried, could he speak it aloud.

Amidst the celebration and the laughter of his brothers, Arjun left the celebration and only thought of one thing.

What was he supposed to do with the knowledge that the King of Anga was their brother?

******************

The first time he saw his oldest brother knowing him to be his oldest brother, he was talking with Dussashan on the stairs, looking very serious.

Arjun searched inside himself for the irritation and part-loathing he had begun to associate with the King of Anga, and found none.

It was as if the conversation he had overheard had simply washed away all ill feelings.

How was it possible? It did not make sense. Even Duryodhan was their cousin--their family--and he had always been aware of that. That had never stopped him from loathing him. Or Dussashan.

Why should the knowledge of the King of Anga being his family be any different?

Arjun didn't quite register how he was standing like a statue in the corridor, staring at Karna and Dussashan.

It was only when the two of them stopped talking and parted ways, and Arjun caught a sight of the King of Anga's face that it dawned on him that maybe he had never loathed him at all.

**************

Karna was descending the stairs. Arjun absent-mindedly followed, lost in thought.

When he had first seen the King of Anga as a stranger, challenging him to a duel in the arena, he had been winded with the hatred the stranger seemed to harbour for him. When his identity was declared synonymous with his caste, and he had fought fearlessly against the elders of the royalty, Arjun had felt intrigued respect. When they actually got down to the duel, he had only felt admiration at his skill; the skill he had managed to acquire even if he did belong to a lower caste.

Afterwards, nothing had transpired to make him hate the King of Anga. With the possible exception of the way he had allied himself with their evil cousin. 

Yet, even Aswatthama was Duryodhan's friend. Vikarna and Yuyutsu were his brothers. Duhsala was his beloved sister.

Arjun loved all four of them. It had never mattered if they associated themselves with Duryodhan. 

There was no reason he should loathe the King of Anga.

Why had he always felt he loathed him?

Arjun hadn't noticed he had reached the foot of the stairs. He stumbled over the last step and grabbed the banister to regain balance. 

It had drawn Karna's attention. He turned around, and his expression changed into one of distaste.

Then Arjun knew why he used to think he loathed the King of Anga: it was because the King of Anga loathed him.

**********************

"What do you want?" Karna asked.

Even if it was a bit obvious that he had been following Karna, Arjun could still have lied offhandedly and got off. 

If he had wanted to, which he found he did not.

"I came to invite you to our party," Arjun heard himself saying. "If you are free--"

Karna's eyebrows flew up.

"The same party organized by you and your brothers?"

"Yes--"

"You are pathetic," said Karna with supreme scorn. "One day you will find out that pride comes before a fall."

It took Arjun longer than needed to realize what a stupid thing it had been to invite Duryodhan's best friend to a celebration of Yudhishthir's crowning.

"I did not mean to gloat--" he said hastily. "I simply meant--"

Karna waited, his stance frosty. Arjun racked his brains.

"I meant it as a gesture of goodwill," was what he came up with.

Karna's eyes narrowed. "Certainly you sound very believable, Arjun. Are you not scared if I come to your brothers' party I might talk to your mother and try to manipulate her?"

Arjun recalled the stupid way he had reacted two days back when he had found Karna talking to--their--mother. Why had he acted so stupid?

"No, you can talk to her," he said. "You can even manipulate her, if you want."

"Do your words make any sense even to yourself?" Karna demanded, before turning on his heel and striding down the stairs.

Surely, thought Arjun, he could tell Karna of the knowledge he had learnt? Surely he deserved to know?

"King of Anga--!"

Karna looked up with a sigh of long suffering.

"What?"

"I--I--dis-discovered--" Arjun's voice was hoarse with nervousness.

Karna had stopped scowling and was now looking curious.

"--that you--"

"Karna!" Duryodhan's loud voice cracked the calm of the surroundings.

Karna and Arjun turned to find him approaching them.

"What are you doing here away from your party?" Duryodhan sneered as he crossed Arjun. He reached Karna, linked their arms and led him away. "Uncle Shakuni was calling us for..."

Duryodhan noticed Karna throwing a look back at Arjun and looked baffled.

"What was he up to?" he asked.

"No idea," said Karna.

"Some of their usual nonsense, no doubt," said Duryodhan, loud enough to reach Arjun.

Karna grinned at Duryodhan. There was so much fondness in that grin that for a moment Arjun wished, in spite of how much he hated his cousin, that he was Duryodhan.

It should have been him in Duryodhan's place. Him and his brothers. It should have been them at whom their older brother looked like that.

Arjun stood in the same spot and gazed after Karna and Duryodhan's vanishing figures long after they had gone, wondering if his older brother would ever look at him like that.

He wished for it harder than he had wished for anything before. He wished for it so hard that it had to come true someday.