As A Stranger Or A Friend?

Mariel - 10 Rain's Hand, 1245 A.D.

The next few days passed in a blur though not because there was so much going on but because the heat of the desert seemed bent on torturing me day after day. I wasn't sure how I would endure traveling to whatever destination he had in mind or how I would survive, let alone thrive, in the Holtep Empire after he took me there. And the matter of survival became dually burdensome when all I could think about was how he'd not been forthcoming about what he wanted in exchange for freeing me. He said I shouldn't worry about it whenever I tried to broach the topic, and he never brought it up on his own accord. It was confusing and nerve-wracking, to say the least, but as I recovered, I came to the more likely conclusion of what he might be seeking...and it would be a lie to say that it didn't make my gut retch.

I'd caught him staring at me often and noticed that he seemed to restrain himself in my presence. I didn't know much about men, but even I was not blind enough to overlook when one might be wanting of...company. But it was sickening that he would be so subtle about it. The waiting and the anxiety that came as a result of his quiet desire were almost too much to bear and made being around him terrifying. When would he finally lose the will to hold back and be violent to obtain what he wanted? Short of throwing myself at him, there was little I could do to assuage my nerves. But tonight, I was determined to change things. I didn't want to live in this suspense anymore, and as frightening as giving myself to him would certainly be, it would be far better than having to live like this day after day. I suppose it was finally time to live up to those words I'd so boldly committed to before; I must give what I didn't want to give so I could truly be free.

I stared at myself in the small vanity mirror as I brushed my hair. Should I braid it or leave it out? What would he like more? Maybe he didn't like hair at all. It couldn't be helped if that was the case. I decided to leave it out since I was sure he had never seen it that way. Perhaps he would like the novelty of it. I had put on one of the nicer nightdresses I found after rummaging around in the drawers of this house and made sure to scrub myself extra clean with the meager amount of water I had available to me. I perfumed myself with a nearly empty bottle of scented oil I came across and pinched my cheeks to look more alive and hopefully less terrified. He usually slept in the main room, letting me sleep in the home's only bedroom, so now that I was ready, I must go to him and face my next challenge...

I hesitated on the other side of the door for a moment. Was this enough? How would I proposition him? I squeezed my eyes shut and realized just how hard I was trembling. I was so scared, but it would be easier this way, wouldn't it? If I went willingly, it would be over sooner, and I wouldn't have to live in terror. But I had no experience seducing a man or doing anything like that with one. All I had was that dream and the advice of the palace maids. But which would be the better method? He seemed to like boldness...but that was a dream, not reality. Surely it had just been what my mind came up with, having nothing else to think about. And that was to say nothing of how 'successful' I might actually using an approach like that. I let out a shaky sigh and opened the door slowly. I just had to do it. I had to get this over with.

I poked my head out and saw him reclined on the couch in the main area, smoking with a concentrated look on his face. Perhaps now wasn't the best time. He seemed to be thinking about something. Though before I could retreat, he darted his eyes over to me, and I became newly nervous. His direct gaze was frightening.

"Be ye needin' of somethin'?" He asked.

"I— umm...n-no..." My fingers picked nervously at the door.

He looked at me a moment longer with a frown. "Can ye no sleep? Be that it?"

"Y-Yes."

"Have starshoot if'n ye want. Get ye tired right quick. We be leavin' on the morrow, so ye must rest." He said, sitting up as he rummaged through his pack on the side table beside him.

I watched him, and even though I was screaming at my legs to take me toward him, they wouldn't move. They were so stubborn now it was maddening.

"Come near. Will no bite." He said, beckoning me to him.

I hesitated just a little longer when finally, my legs started to move. One foot in front of the other. Simple, right? Yes, I had walked many times; this was no different. I stopped just a few feet away from him and found the courage to look him in the face. His eyes wandered all over me, taking me in as they went, and by his expression, I saw that he found no fault in me, at least no major ones. I bit my lip nervously and drew closer until I stood before him. He still had the wrap of starshoot in his hand but now rested it against the side table, clearly losing the resolve to hand it to me as he had planned. Good, it seemed to be working.

"Ye smell sweet." He remarked quietly.

"Th-Thank you."

He leaned forward, then put his hands on my waist, dropping the wrap entirely. I made sure to stay perfectly still, deciding to heed the advice of the palace maids after all. I remembered them telling me repeatedly: a wife should not move when her husband was giving her his attention. She was to remain composed and still, dignified and servile. He wasn't my husband, but surely he would expect the same as that seemed to be what men wanted; otherwise, where would such advice originate from? The dream, after all, was just a dream. Surely when man and woman engaged in such affairs, they were not so unhinged. My mind had simply wandered too much that evening and the morning that followed.

But as afraid as I was, I was still mostly relieved. Now that I had his attention, my job was done. All I had to do was wait until he exhausted himself then I could move on. I just hoped that it would not be painful. He hardly looked like he could be gentle when it came to that. He squeezed me with his hands, and I felt myself flinch nervously. They were so large he could snap me in half if he wanted to. Don't fight; just let it happen...

"Can I kiss ye?" He asked in a low tone.

I squeezed my eyes shut, doing my best to quell the rising panic in my chest and the tears that wanted to fall, and nodded. I had already moved too much, but it was harder to stay perfectly still than I originally thought. I was so afraid of him and what he might do. Though his lips never touched mine, instead, I heard him scoff.

"Why be ye doin' this if ye nay want it?"

I opened my eyes to look at him and saw that he was markedly more serious now. Had I angered him? Why hadn't I been able to hold it together before? Now he would surely be upset, and what would he do to me? Likely something altogether horrific.

"'Haps ye nay know this, but I nay hold with rape, Mariel. I will no have ye if ye nay want me." He let me go and picked up the wrap from the table, then pressed it into one of my palms. His features further twisted on themselves as the seconds passed. I felt like vomiting. What if he was about to kill me?

"I— Th-This is what you w-wanted from me, isn't it? The thing that you couldn't s-say..." I said in a raspy little voice, trying to find some way to explain myself and perhaps get him to show me mercy.

He looked at me with a surprised and still angry expression. "Nay. I— Where did ye gather this be what I wanted?"

"W-What else could it be?" I asked, squeezing nervous fistfuls of the nightdress in my hands.

"Gods, ye really are daft. Just go to bed." He said with a snarl.

My chin quivered, and I finally began to cry. Could I do nothing right? And how long would he make me live in terror? Why couldn't he just tell me what he wanted?! I took the wrap with me as I walked back to my room and closed the door behind me. My legs gave out, and I landed on the ground with a thud. I wasn't sure how long I sat there crying. All I knew was that I felt confused and more scared than before.