Troian Bellisario: Just Me & My Girl

Your Middle Name is Actually Marie

*Troian's Pov*

I open the bathroom door, wiping my eyes so Aspen won't know I was crying. I walk back toward the movie room, telling myself to hold it together. For Aspen.

I open the door and walk in, looking at my daughter who still sits in the same spot on the couch. I sit down beside her and pull her close to me, kissing her forehead.

"Mommy?" Aspen asks quietly.

"Yes?" I reply, my voice hoarse.

"It's okay that I don't have a daddy." She looks up at me with her big blue eyes as she speaks. Her blue eyes that must come from her dads side.

"Aww, baby." I say, my heart melting at her words "I'm sorry. I really am." Even though she said it was okay, I still feel terrible.

"Why are you sorry?" Aspen asks. I just sigh.

"Because, I just wish you could have a mommy and daddy in your life." I play with Aspen's hair as I talk, barely able to look into her eyes.

"I don't need a mommy and daddy," Aspen says "I only need a mommy." Even though it makes me sad that Aspen's dad isn't in her life, I smile, tears coming to my eyes.

I pull Aspen onto my lap and kiss her. Not knowing how to reply to what she just said. All I know is that I love Aspen more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I honestly don't know what I would do without her. My little girl is my entire world.

"I love you, Aspen." I say to her. She hugs me.

"I love you too mommy." She replies.

We get comfy again and finish the movie, Aspen falling asleep on me after another 20 minutes.

I carry her upstairs, careful not to wake her. I lay her gently in her bed and tuck her in under the blankets. After kissing her forehead, I quietly walk out of the room, leaving her door open a crack, like always.

I crawl into my bed and just lay there, feeling wide awake. My mind buzzes with questions that I want answered, and I hate that I may never know the answers to some of them. I scan my brain for any details of that night, but I hardly remember anything. I don't remember anything about Aspen's dad, not a single detail. I wish I could remember something so small, even his name, but I can't remember. I don't remember what he even looked like. If I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, I probably wouldn't have known I had sex that night. But I'm so glad I did. I just wish I could remember who it was with.

I roll onto my back, trying to get comfy so I can fall asleep. No luck. I toss and turn for at least half an hour, before going downstairs to get a drink of water. I step as lightly as I can, trying to be quiet so I don't wake Aspen. Although, when she's really tired, she'll sleep like a rock.

When I get to the bottom of the stairs, I look at a picture on the wall of Aspen. I recognize it as a picture from her second birthday photo shoot. Every birthday of Aspen's, we get professional photos taken of her. In this particular one, she's grinning widely at the camera, with blue sky and forest for the background. I remember it being particularly windy on that late August day, and having to wait a little while for the wind to die down so Aspen's hair and dress weren't blowing around like crazy. I can't help but smile.

Instead of going to get a drink like I wanted to when I came downstairs, I find myself sitting on the couch and looking at an old photo album of Aspen when she was a baby. My heart melts at every photo I see of my beautiful girl, and I find myself missing her being so young. I look at a picture from just days after she was born. It was professional one that said her full name, birthdate, weight, and length. And and the bottom, 'A bundle of pure happiness' was written, which was 100% true. She sleeps peacefully in a headband with big purple flowers and feathers, and I instantly wish I could go back and hold my daughter when she was a newborn.