Faking it || Lando Norris LN

65

Lando was blackout drunk by the time Olivia woke up and had her meeting with Gianna, the one she would later go back to in her dreams, the one she would later think of when she saw the candles burning inside her hotel room, reminding her of every moment with Lando in slow motion. He didn't even notice when she came back to her room.

He did notice the empty mini-bar when he woke up. He walked out of his room to get more alcohol from the hotel bar, but ended up deciding to order it through room service after he felt his legs wobbly as they tried to walk through the hallway. Or had it been the knot in his throat and the ache inside his chest? Lando was glad he couldn't remember the moment that well.

Lando would never forget her knocking, though. He'd downed an entire bottle as Olivia slept, trying to force himself to blackout again so he could get the painful sound off his mind and trying to convince himself he was doing the right thing. Hours later, he'd come to terms with the fact that even if he was hurting her, he could no longer hurt her as badly from a distance. 

The sound had never left his mind, though. He'd also come to terms with the fact that it would never go away. It would be his penance and the burden he'd have to carry for the rest of his life. The hole inside his chest was just as kind. He could never feel his words coming out smoothly or his bones as something not hollow. Even the air he breathed seemed to be putting up a fight against something inside of him, as if every vital function of his body seemed to be battling to work around the hole in his chest.

Lando tried fucking around to fill the void. He tried distracting himself by running to every vice and bad habit he'd depended on before Olivia, like a wild animal running away from a forest fire. He'd lost count of how many bathroom doors he'd locked and how many beds he'd ripped the sheets apart of —most of which had never even gotten to the tabloids.

He had tried getting lost in its familiar feeling, but late at night, once whichever of the numerous girls he'd fucked had gone to sleep, and right before he could plan his escape, he would wonder if he was ruining their lives too. Could this darkness be contagious?

It wasn't unnatural for him to think about how everything he touched became sick with sadness, but after what had happened with Olivia, the thought had begun strangling him every time he woke up. Wasn't it precisely what he had done with her, after all?

Lando couldn't bear the thought of doing it again. He was convinced he'd sabotage it if he ever got close to someone else again. He hadn't done it with Olivia, but he was certain it would happen. Gianna's words would echo loud and tormentingly inside his brain at all times. He really was the ticking time bomb everyone thought he was. Some things could never be learned, and he had missed his cue to do so.

"They want to see you fail," Davies had told him once.

The thing was, the world knew he would, even if he hadn't. Even if he'd worked to keep it from happening. Even if he'd torn the sky of who he was apart day by day to keep Olivia's sunny. They'd always known. Lando felt so small, realizing the entire world knew something so obvious about him that he didn't.

He had allowed himself to entertain the idea of things lasting with Olivia, to think that he could become the kind of man she deserved, to believe he was becoming that man.

"Do you not think you've changed?" Olivia had asked before everything went down. Her eyes had been full of curiosity as her gorgeous face lit up Lando's screen before she had to leave for her interview.

"Yeah, no, for sure I have," Lando replied, absentmindedly paying a quick visit to his insecurities before Olivia's eyes," I hope I have."

Maybe he'd always known, in some measure, in some hidden part of his brain. Maybe he'd always known the burden he carried was permanent, the damage too big, and his saving impossible to achieve.