Murder, Talk no Jutsu and Other Easy Solutions

Awkward Breakfasts and the Executive Decision to Go Crazy

Kakashi groaned and rubbed the back of his head. His head was killing him What the hell had happened last night? Had he been talked into having a drinking contest with Gai again? His question was answered when he realized that A, he was on a couch that didn't belong to him or anyone he knew, and B, there was a note written on a piece of line paper that was taped to his forehead. Ripping the note off, Kakashi read what it said.

'Sorry about trying to cover up your murder <3', it said in Sai's handwriting. There was even a little heart at the end of it, as black as Kakashi's soul. It would have been endearing if it wasn't for what the note said.

'Trying to cover up my murder? Wait... ', Kakashi thought in confusion, but then it all came back to him. Maria's chakra natures, passing out, waking up wrapped in a rug, nearly getting mutilated, the frying pan. Everything came back to him in a flash that lasted mere seconds, and Kakashi took a moment to process what it all meant.

'So that's what happened... it certainly didn't take them long to break out the body disposal kit.', he mused. He knew he should have been more concerned about how readily Maria and her minions had tried to dispose of him, or about what she did to the chakra paper (the image of Maria cackling evilly as she summoned a wood dragon, flanked by floating sand and an ominous storm almost left him petrified in fear), but it was too early in the morning for that shit and he hadn't eaten. So, Kakashi Hatake made the executive decision to go back to sleep... which he failed at because he didn't trust any member of Team Badass Motherfucker to not do something to him while he slept, like assume he was a corpse and try to get rid of him again.

A few hours later, he started hearing sounds, and Kakashi realized the entire team was under the same roof. It was a wonder the house hadn't been destroyed.

The loud sounds of yelling for the bathroom and an even louder 'Naruto, stop stealing from my vegetable garden!' from Sasuke filled the house. Then the sounds got closer, and the sound of brewing coffee and cooking could be heard. Another hour passed, and Kakashi prayed to any god that would listen that the residents of the home would forget he existed and let him sneak out when they were gone for the day.

His prayers, like usual, were ignored

"Get up dumbass, we know you're awake.", Maria told him after smacking him upside the head, before walking off abruptly.

Kakashi watched her go with something akin to offense, and then embarrassment when he realized Maria was wearing nothing but a black sports bra, pink shorts and a those two necklaces she always wore (one with the uchiwa fan necklace that matched Sasuke's, and the other one was a newer addition. It was a long silver one with a strange circular symbol on it.). He then followed the woman into the kitchen and took a seat at the head of the dining table (aka the only place there was an empty seat). There was a small plate with some sort of crescent-shaped pastry on it, and an even smaller cup of coffee. Kakashi stared at the food, and then at Maria, who was sitting opposite to him at the other head of the table, with the exact same thing in front of her.

"What the hell is this?", he asked, confused by his food. Maria gave him a sharp look before she started spreading butter on her pastry.

"It's a croissant and espresso.", she said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kakashi glared at her.

"I don't know what that is.", he said. Maria rolled her eyes.

"A croissant is buttery pastry, and espresso is a special kind of highly-concentrated coffee. If you don't like it, tough luck because that's all we made.", the pink haired woman elaborated. Kakashi picked up the pastry and stared at it. Everyone was staring at him. Kakashi stared back.