Bet We Could Make Some MORE (History Huh?)

19: This Is It (Henry)

A/N: Hi guys! So sorry for the delay but I really hope this is (the first part of) what you've been waiting for for so long. Enjoy! (Or dont, you may need tissues). 

They had a lovely day driving around the island, looking out at the sites and making-out in the back seat like they were teenagers. Henry could tell Alex was overdoing it a bit, as if he was trying to make up for something. Henry just wanted to pretend like everything was okay and enjoy their last few days here the best they could.

In one of the cute shore towns, they find a restaurant on the edge of the water. They get a table outside, overlooking the ocean and the beach, just before sunset.

Henry notices Alex seems to eat much more than usual; he hasn't been eating big meals lately until the honeymoon, but suddenly he's constantly hungry. The order something called a hula pie for dessert, which is like an ice cream cake with an Oreo crust and macadamia nuts on top. Just as the first bite melts in Henry's mouth, he hears a familiar clicking sound. Then click-click-click. He freezes, and without moving his body, glances in the direction of the sound. And there it is. A large camera. Fuck.

He looks towards Alex to see if he's seen it. He has. Then he's standing and pulling Henry towards the inside of the restaurant, blocking Henry from the view of the cameraman with his body. Henry can barely breathe. He just follows Alex's guiding hand. Alex is talking to the waiter, giving him a card. Everything moves in slow motion. They are inside, likely out of view of the camera now, but that doesn't settle Henry.

Then Alex is guiding him towards the door. Henry doesn't want to go back outside. But Alex is nearly wrapped around him, leading him to the car waiting out front. How did the car know to meet them? Had Alex called the driver? Henry can't process anything.

As soon as he's in the car, all Henry can hear is his own breath. He's breathing. He's breathing quicker and quicker, but there's no air in the car. He needs air, but he's afraid to open the window. They can't see him like this.

They were driving fast now. Alex leans over him to open his window. The air helps, and the world outside is a blur, no one can see them. Alex knows what to do, he's had to many times before. He's got a hand on Henry's back. "Breathe, baby. I'm here."

His voice is calming and soothing. Alex's voice, more than anyone else's, has always been calming. Henry takes a deep breath.

"Focus on my hand on your back. Can you feel it, Hen?" Henry can only manage to nod. "The seat is beneath you, you feel it?" Again Henry nods at his husband. "Can you name three things that you see?"

Slowly Henry's throat clenches, "passenger seat." He tries to remember to breathe. "Sand." He slowly turns his head towards Alex, the concern in his eyes palpable. "You."

"Good job." Only from Alex's lips does that not sound condescending. "What about three things you hear?"

"Your voice. Wind." Henry has to take a breath to listen. "Waves."

"Great. Three things you smell?"

"Leather, your cologne, beach."

"How you feeling, baby?"

"Better."

"Do you want me to look for your pills?" The grounding techniques didn't always work, but today it did. He shakes his head at Alex. It helps it was Alex. He has Alex's full attention, which he rarely has these days. And suddenly his panic morphs into resentment.

Alex. Alex is the reason people know when they are on their honeymoon, even if they didn't know where. Alex wasn't there for him when he had a panic attack the day of the wedding. Alex is barely ever there for Henry like this anymore, the way he used to be. Henry wants to scream and cry the rest of the car ride, but he holds it in until they are back in the room at the hotel.

Alex immediately goes to close the curtains.

"Alex."

"Yes?"

"Fuck you. I don't understand you anymore! Who did I marry, Alex? Why... why are you doing this to me? I can't... I can't..." He's hyperventilating again. Alex goes to wrap his arms around Henry but freezes mid-motion as he seems to slowly process what Henry just said. God fucking damn it. Henry doesn't know what came over him, but he doesn't regret it. Alex needs to fucking hear it.

"I'm... sorry. I'm sorry, baby, what... what did I do?"

"Everything. Nothing! You didn't help plan this week at all! You didn't help plan the public wedding you wanted! All I wanted was to marry you and go on our honeymoon. You and me. Not the whole fucking world. Why does the whole fucking world always have to have every piece of my life!?" Henry is sure he's never said 'fuck' so many times in his whole life as he's said in the last two minutes.

"But, Hen, we chose to let the world see. We wanted the world to see—"

"I DIDN'T WANT A PUBLIC WEDDING!"

"You... you don't mean that. Like I know... I know it wasn't what we originally talked about, but... I thought... Henry, you seemed like you really meant it when you told me you understood why it was important, the impact it could have."

"That's because I did! I do! I know it probably helped a bunch of kids out there but that doesn't change the fact that I didn't want a public wedding!" Henry snorts out a breath. "I wanted it to just be us, and family and friends. I didn't want to stress on my wedding day! I didn't want millions of eyes on me on my wedding day! I didn't want to have A GOD-DANM PANIC ATTACK ON MY FUCKING WEDDING DAY ALEX!" Henry huffs, trying to catch his breath.

"You... you had a panic attack?"

"Yeah, and I couldn't find my meds. And I walked down the aisle less than an hour later."

"But you... you looked... Henry..." Alex sits himself on the end of the bed. "My head is swimming. I... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, I guess, but I know that's not enough. There's a lot to tell you, but I don't think I can do it tonight."

Alex's hand is on his forehead, his eyes closed. Henry can't believe him. This, this is all he gets? Darn-right it isn't enough. Henry just stands there, watching Alex, who finally raises his head to look at Henry. "Can we just go to bed, Hen? I just... I don't have it in me right now."

Henry is so mad he wants to explode again, but after the day they had, he doesn't have the energy. He stomps off to the bathroom.

He takes a hot shower to cool off, reminding himself to breathe in through his nose, out through his mouth. How could Alex just have, like, no reaction to Henry telling him about the wedding? Finally he let it all out, what he has been holding back for so long– because Alex was stressed, because Alex was busy, because Alex wanted it public. Some way to start a marriage!

But he has blame to carry as well. Had he just told Alex sooner. Had he communicated better, it's not like Alex wouldn't have listened to him if he tried to talk. Henry let the water drown him in shame.

When he gets out, he finds a pile of Alex's clothes on the floor. He's in the bed. Henry walks over to him, brushes a strand a hair away from Alex's face.  His quiet breathing is regular; he looks peaceful, the tightness Henry had last seen in his face washed away.

What are they doing?  Someone, he couldn't remember who, had told him: the first year of marriage is the hardest, and now, for the first time, Henry worries if they are going to make it through. The Alex sleeping before him looks like the same Alex who had kissed him in the Red Room, who had stormed Buckingham Palace in the middle of the night to win Henry back, the same Alex who held his hand as Henry told the Queen who he is and what he was going to do about it. But he isn't. Henry realizes he hasn't seen that Alex in a long time. In fact, he isn't sure the last time he had.