I'm glad I met you

CHAPTER 20

Over the past week and a half Kal did end up losing most of his motor skills. The most I can get is a small squeeze. Everyday I ask how much time he has left and everyday they tell me it's closer. When I asked today, they said a few hours at most. I haven't left his side once. Each second is precious and it is each second I will cherish with him. I lay with him, holding his hand and telling him his favorite stories. As I talk I can feel the occasional squeeze. When I have no more stories to tell I kiss him. I kiss his lips and his cheeks and his forehead and his lips again. Tears fall down my face.

"I love you... I'll love you, in sickness-" My voice breaks. "-and in health. Forever until death do us part... but not even death can separate us." I kiss his hand, feeling the bones of his knuckles on my lips. "By touching we learn. I have touched you enough to learn so many things about you. I wish to learn more. To do is to dare. You've come a long way since the day I met you. You've dared and you've done. No regrets. I will love you as I first met you until my final breath."

Tears roll down my cheeks and my hands shake. He can't say anything to me but I feel him give my hand the smallest squeeze. I squeeze it back. I love you. It means I love you. That's all he can tell me now. I squeeze back. I love you too. I let out a choked sob when his hand goes limp. I pull him close to me and hold him. He's too cold. Too thin. More sobs scrape out of my throat. I put my head to his chest but hear nothing.

"No... No... You can't be gone... Kal." My voice is weak. "Please wake up... Please... I need you."

I rock back and forth, holding him tight, as if I could give him my warmth. Give him life again. I sit there for a while, just holding him. Sobs rack my body.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Come on Aoife... Let his parents see him."

"They can see him just fine. Better than I can." I snap at Saoirse. "Let me have this. Please..." I won't let him go. I can't.

I kiss the lips that were once warm and sweet but are now cold and lifeless. I rest my forehead against his. It's still barely warm. I cry so hard my chest hurts and I can't breathe.

"Aoife... Let go of him.. Let's get you some fresh air, yeah?"

My voice his barely a whisper. "I can't. Don't make me let go of him.. Please. I can't."

Saoirse's voice his gentle when she speaks again. "Let his parents and sister say goodbye to him too. Step outside with me, you need the air."

I let out a trembling breath and kiss him one last time before carefully getting up and laying his head gently on the pillow. I stroke his hair with shaky hands and trembling lips. I rest my forehead against his, willing him to come back to me.

Come back to me. Come back to life. Let the warmth come back. Let me hear your sweet voice once more. Please Kal. "Please," I whisper. "I need you."

He doesn't respond. He doesn't grow warmer under my touch. Life has left him and it feels like it's leaving me now. Sobs rack my body as Saoirse gently pulls me out of the room and outside. She hugs me but I can't do anything other than cry. I sink to the floor, unable to stand. Nothing is fair and the world is so cruel. I understand that. I have my whole life. But why did my love have to get taken away from me? Why did he have to die? Why did he have to go?

Saoirse hugs me. I can't even hug her back. My heart feels like it's been ripped into pieces. My wails fill the corridor as I rock back and forth, clutching my hands to my heart. Everything hurts. Why? Saoirse manages to get me to stand up. I hug her tightly, clutching on to her. I can feel her crying too. We cry together. Eventually we make it out to the car and home. I'm still crying when I walk through the door.

"Aoife, how is- oh no.." Ma's tone is concerned. "Did he...?"

I nod and she pulls me into a hug. I start crying harder. I can't believe he's gone. It doesn't seem real. As much as I want this to be one big nightmare I know it's not. It's the cold harsh truth of reality. Reality hurts. It hurts so much. I don't think I want to be apart of this reality anymore. What point do I really have to live? I have nothing going for me at all and the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with just died in my arms.

Ma pulls back and kisses my head. I can tell she's crying too. She loved Kal too. We all did.

"Come, let's get you a shower and some food." She sniffs. "You might feel a little better after that."

I don't say anything. I doubt anything could make me feel better at this point. I shower but I cry because all I can remember is Kal. His touch. His voice. His love. My memories run deep with sorrow. I think of all the happy times we had. All the stupid things we've said and done. All the quiet memories by the fireplace in the winter and sleepless nights spent in each other's arms. I turn off the water and get dressed. I don't go to the kitchen, I just lay down and cry myself to sleep.

I wake up and immediately regret it because as soon as I don the pain hits me again and the tears start falling again. I hug my pillow close to my chest, wanting it so bad to be Kal. But it's not him. It'll never be him again. I feel the ghost of him on my skin the more I think about him. I just want so badly to hug him again. I want to fell him beneath my fingers and kiss his lips again. I want him to be alive. I want him. My fingers grip the pillow and I curl my body around it, shaking with silent tears and sobs.

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It's been about a week since Kal died. I've only eaten twice and showered once. Ma keeps trying to get me to eat but I can't my grief is too strong. She tells me his funeral is tomorrow. It'll be open casket. His mom wants me to say a few things. I say I'll go and she leaves.

I sleep the rest of the day until Ma wakes me up. She helps me get ready and we leave. My hands are shaking badly by the time we get there. I feel the spring breeze blow against my skin. Saoirse grabs my free hand and walks with me inside. We say hello to Mari and her mom first. Mari hugs me and I hug her back. We're both hurting. Saoirse guides me up to Kal's casket and she guides my hand to him. My hand brushes gently across his cold face and I start crying. He shouldn't be this cold. This quiet. This still. I lean down and press my lips against his cold forehead.  Saoirse hugs me as my body shakes with grief and pain. This can't be my Kal. I find his hand and give it the smallest squeeze. My heart breaks again when he doesn't squeeze back.

Saoirse helps me sit down on a nearby bench. I cry until the ceremony starts. Kal's mom says a few words an the Mari. Then it's my turn. I take a deep breath and Saoirse guides me to the podium.

My voice is broken and grief stricken. "Kaladin Zachary Sylva was the love of my life. I gave everything to him. My body, my heart, my soul; and he did the same. So the moment he died, a piece of me died with him. I cannot describe the amount of pain that I felt in that very moment. It was almost too much to bare. When Kal died, I almost died with him. Before he couldn't talk anymore he told me many things. One of those things was that he was glad he got the chance to exist. He was happy to get a chance, even if it was a small one, at this beautiful thing called life. When I met him he was a shy person. Nervous to do a lot of things. As I spent more time with him he grew into a bigger person. He was kind, and patient, and sweet. I am so incredibly lucky that we ran into each other. I may not know what he looked like but I can tell you he was the most beautiful person. He took nothing for granted. This world is mean and hurtful and cruel and life is so unfair. He was the only good thing. The only fair thing. He was taken from me, from us, way too soon. His last words to me were 'love you.' and you know what? He showed his love. I couldn't have asked for a better partner."

I walk up to his casket and kiss hiss cold lips one last time and walk away, my heart grieving so hard I feel like I might as well die too. This chapter of my life is regretfully over and I'm not sure there’ll be a next one. Part of me wants to end it all so I can join him in the afterlife he believed in so much. But I made a promise. I have to keep living. Keep living for him. Keep living so I can keep his memory alive. So the world still has some proof that Kaladin Zachary Sylva lived and loved and was loved.

I’m glad I met you Kal. So glad.