Sweet Rush

Twenty One

What happened last night felt like a dream. We were so close yet so so far. Remnants of Jane's touch flashes in my mind and I try to savour them as much as I could. If this was my last physical moment with Jane, it's kept safe in the back of my brain for when I'm feeling lonely. Part of me wishes that it happened and another part of me is content that it never happened. Maybe I'm happy that my guard was not relinquished but at what cost? 

Last night when I gave Jane the right away to kiss me, he leaned in confidently, letting our warm breaths mingle with each other for a moment. He dragged his gritty palm up my arm and to my neck, the sweater material suddenly felt like fairy feather under his touch. My skin had increased its sensitivity the moment he started making contact. I didn't know if my heart or the rushing of my blood was going to take first place of making me die first. My eyes had voluntarily shut anticipating what might come next. I was too scared to face him especially being this vulnerable and pruned by his presence. I could tell that he was not scared in the slightest, dominating my attention and making the moment feel like a Jim-dandy experience. He wrapped his arm around my waist, gliding me towards him until my stomach touched his lower body. It was too much for me but just exactly what I had craved. I press into his hot body, warming down from the chilled night or maybe that was just my cold-blooded self from the nerves. His lips touch mine for a moment and I lean in more to get a full taste. When Jane was done with the teasing, he pulls my head up to him causing me to mount up onto the ball of my feet, preparing for whatever's next. 

One missing detail, Jane and I had been stark in the middle of the road from walking. It was a lonely road and not busy from the holiday, so when the light and blaring horn of a vehicle comes out of the blue, we're startled. We hurried to the side of the road together, me trailing behind Jane and him tightly pulling me along. 

There is where we left off. The kiss didn't happen, instead we walked home. 

It's almost as if the honking had pulled us back to reality and Jane had given up on the task at hand, which is finally kissing me. 

Now I stare at myself in the mirror, wondering how everything could go so wrong. I wanted him to kiss me for Christ's sake. 

Luckily, when I had gotten back last night, mom or dad didn't pressure me about the working thing but let me know that they will talk about it. Sleeping on it gave me time to concoct the perfect lie but I subtly wonder if I want to continue digging myself into a deeper hole or just tell them the truth. 

It's that time where I have to now think as an adult and strategically do so. If I start listing the pros and cons, I'm afraid there's more cons than pros. Number one is, I probably wouldn't even get the chance to go back to New York to "study" and I can't imagine life in this beat down tired town. At the same time, I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. 

I sigh trying to figure out this pretzel of a situation. 

Dreadfully, I am summoned by my parents and meet them in the sitting area. They're sitting next to each other both concentrating on me with apathy. I twist my fingers, still trying to figure out if I am going to tell the truth or not. 

"So that was a weird dinner. Turns out you actually know Nicole's son." my mother smiles but I can tell she's far from keeping pleasantries and wants to get straight to the point. 

"As I said I work for him." I mumble knowing that I can't possibly get away with just that. "I just didn't want you guys knowing I work at a bar."

"How long you've been working there?" My dad chimes in. 

"Um for-" I hesitate, battling with myself on whether I should lie. "About seven months now." I settle on the actual truth. 

"And you never once thought to tell us. We don't care if you're working in a bar, Malia. Once you're not a stripper for walk around topless and let these old men do God knows what!" She emphasizes her last point and my nerves calm down at her words. Maybe they wouldn't be so bad at all.

"Actually, I....I've been keeping something from you both."

"You ain't having a baby right?" I can see my dad's face contorting even when he's asking the question. God forbid, that I come home telling my parents that I have their grandchild waiting to be popped out. Having a baby is the furthest thing from my mind, it's also quite a difficult feat when you have no partner. 

"No, it's about school-"

"Well spit it out won't you. You look like you've seen the ghost of your great grandma Martha." It's evident that my mom starts getting agitated and my dad is just curious as to what I have to say. Of course he's now a bit relieved at my pregnancy denial but still visibly concerned. 

"Okay, I dropped out of Uni." My eyes are tightly shut to avoid seeing  the disappointment in their faces. The silence around me is deafening as I await my bounty of ridiculing. 

My mother cuts the silence "What?" 

She sounds shattered and I slowly disintegrate on the inside at her tone. This scene had played out numerous times in my head but never like this. I always imagined my parents would scream or start tearing up but in this very moment it's difficult to pin point what they actually feel. 

"Is this like a joke-"

"It's not dad. I'm sorry but I just-"

"Don't" My mom cuts me off, staring down at the floor probably deep in thought. She's gripping on my dad's thigh tightly, white knuckling his khaki shorts. Dad is wearing a look of both confusion and revelation. Almost as if he's impressed by my actions. I've always been a goody to shoes and have never done anything to upset my parents but this was my life. I had future plans of returning to school so there's no reason my parents should be concerned. I'm just a girl trying to figure out what I really want and that isn't a crime. The silence in the room is deafening, as I look at my parents sifting through every potential bad thing that could happen in my life based on this decision. 

I inhale deeply hoping the moment can be over and I can return to my room to think about Jane. The realization of not being allowed to return to New York hits me and I start to panic. My parents are totally capable of keeping me from going back to New York as the sole purpose I was there has been diminished. I have no reason to be there other than my job, Blair, Avana and Jane. Since there's no educational reasoning behind being in New York, they are more than likely to keep me in SC. 

"I know this is not what you guys expected but it just didn't feel right. I need to figure out who I am and that's why I did what I did. This isn't a rebellion thing, trust me I'm returning to school- I just need a break." I finally admit, sitting in the denounced silence for far too long. I can tell a million thoughts were going through their heads the way they're sitting without saying a word. For that reason, I had to clarify and justify my decision. 

"I don't have the words. I don't know what to to think. We thought we could trust you Malia." my mother responds, looking at me and then to dad in between her words. Her eyes are glossed over with disappointment and grief. 

"I haven't betrayed you gu-"

"You've been untruthful. Lying to us for months like we're some clowns!" mom was getting erratic and evidently offended by me pretending to be in school all this time. It's like she had used all that time to let everything sink in because when you think about it what. I have done is horrible. Not only did I drop out of school but I built my life for the last six months upon a lie. Telling my parents about assignments and projects that never existed and on top of that working at a bar that they were clueless about. I know that it's bad but I don't think they understand me. She wouldn't be this mad if she did. Maybe one day when I become a parent, I'll understand the gravity of the situation. 

"I know -"

"No you don't get to say a word. Go to your room because I am so upset with you. Dad and I will talk about this." I look over at dad who's obviously defeated by my mom's instructions. I can see he's upset and would rather get this situation handled sooner than later. Just like all of our misunderstandings in the past, he just succumbs to whatever mom says and talks with me after. I immediately turn and pad towards my safe haven. I plop onto my soft bed face first, groaning into one of my many decorative pillows. 

Now I just have to sit and wait to see what they decide. Hopefully New York is still in question because I don't know what I'll do in this dead-end town.