Fighting the Stars - A Jack Harries Fanficton

Chapter 5

I can remember, back when I still had friends, someone asked me what love felt like. Her name was Thelia, she was my best friend. Was. It was the summer after James and I had taken the leap. That’s how I explained it to her - a leap.

Falling in love is like cliff diving. It would be either the most exhilarating thing that ever happens to you or the stupidest mistake you’d ever make. For me, it was the latter.

I don’t regret falling in love with James, not one bit. I regret everything I’ve let him put me through, but our love, that is something I’ll never be able to put behind me.

Love is when you’re not hungry anymore, because you have someone who fills you up. Love is when you’re not scared anymore, because someone is there to protect you. Love is when you feel like you’re floating, because just the thought of someone can take every happy memory you’ve ever possessed and spark a light in it.

Love feels like wholeness. 

But, you see, I’m not whole anymore.

Jack and I entered the club, myself completely under-dressed for the occasion. I’ve only been to a club once before, but James dragged me out rather fast when he saw an array of men who were more than willing to buy me a drink.

“Thirsty?” asked Jack, raising his voice over the boom of the music.

“No thanks,” I said. He furrowed his brow at me.

“You sure?”

“Positive.” I answered. I really didn’t want any alcohol, and I was hesitant to see Jack drinking as well. I don’t trust it’s affects. Not after what it’s done to me. “Let’s dance.”

I grabbed Jack by the arm and led him into the crowd of people grinding to the beat the DJ was playing. We found an open gap and I chuckled as I watched his feeble attempts at coordination. I suddenly felt a rush of freedom wash over me. 

I wrapped my hand around Jack’s neck and slid my way around his body. He caressed his hands around my waist. They were so soft, so gentle. I combed my fingers through his smooth locks.

He put his mouth next to my ear. “I thought you had a boyfriend.”

“He can’t stop me from having fun,” I hissed back into his. Jack smiled, his eyes crinkling at the edges.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something cast a dim reflection of light. Almost in one swift motion, the memory played in my mind, making my knees weak.

I knew I was in a terrible relationship, but I couldn’t talk to anyone. In the beginning, when he first started hitting me, I told him that if it ever happened again I would leave him. He swore that he wouldn’t and I believed him. But it only got worse after that, like when I would make him dinner and it was cold, or if I mentioned talking with one of my old friends I saw at the mall. I just chatted with her, but that night, James threw me into a mirror.

I had stopped dancing and was gripping tightly onto my left bicep. Just underneath the fabric of my blouse were three cuts, each different sizes, all as thick as a nail. Those were the places that the shards of glass dug into my skin. I told myself after that it had to be over. But I came back. I always came back.

It was scary, yet almost funny, how quickly seeing one object can flood in so many memories, good and bad. I guess mirrors just have that affect on me now.

“Sophie? Are you alright?” asked Jack. He had his hands on my shoulders. making sure I didn’t collapse. I looked up at him, his green eyes filled with worry and concern. I’d only seen that in my own eyes.

“I want to go back...back to my flat.” I said, my breathing ragged. My hands were beginning to shake at the thought of what James would do to me if he ever found out what happened tonight.

“Okay, I’ll drive you.” he offered. I nodded. I just needed to get out of here, be on my own. “Do you need a drink of water or anything?”

“No, I just need to go back.” I said. My head was buzzing with thoughts and memories. 

Jack dropped me off at my building. “Do you want me to walk you up?”

“No thanks,” I said. “I can manage.”

“Okay then, I’ll text you?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said. I let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry that things didn’t go as planned tonight. I did have a good time.”

“It’s fine, I’m glad you had fun. But, what happened, back at the club?” he asked. I wish he wouldn’t have.

“I just - I just got dizzy.” I lied.

“Maybe it’s because you hardly eat.” he suggested. 

“I’m never hungry,” I said. That was actually true. I’ve sort of come to lose my appetite over the last few months.

“Maybe I could take you out to dinner sometime, get some food in you? As friends, of course.” he said, his eyes glistening.

I gave a weak smile. “Sure, I’d like that.”

“Great!” he said, his face lighting up with excitement of my acceptance once again. “Goodnight, Sophie.”

“Goodnight, Jack.”

With that, I gave him a swift peck on the cheek and shuffled off to my flat. I desperately needed some sleep, but I was hesitant.

Many people don’t wish to sleep for the fear of nightmares. But for me, I don’t wish to wake for the same fear.

I curled into a ball on my bed, letting my dirt-colored hair fall into a tangled mess beneath my shoulder blades. I didn’t cry, I just sulked. I sat as my heart slowly crumbled into nothingness. 

This is what breaking feels like.

The point where you feel as though you have nothing. You are nothing. The feeling that you are being engulfed into a black hole of despair, never to see another shining day. Every ounce of happiness is drained from your soul. Your entire body goes numb. 

Then comes the point where all feeling is lost. You sit still with no range of emotion surging through your veins. Everything is gone. Everything you’ve ever known, none of that matters now.

This is what happens when you are willing to trust someone with your most fragile possession; your heart.

Yes, Thelia, this is what love feels like.

I hope that answers your question.

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Sorry that it's short again...

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xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

-Alyssa