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Chapter 17

~~September 7, 2012 [FRI] // 2:07 pm ~~

o   Dante

I entered my fourth period class with just seconds to spare before the bell rang, signaling the start of the class.

Sitting at my seat, I looked over my right shoulder at the center of the classroom.

Carol was sitting at her seat, talking to her two friends sitting by her, Audrey Amelie and Jeanna Angeles.

I couldn’t help observing her expressions – the way she smiled and laughed. I didn’t understand why I kept looking at her this way, but ever since I went into downtown that summer night to find and bring Carol back home, she had been on my mind quite frequently.

By half past two, Mr. Oliver instructed the class to pair up and work on some Religion textbook questions. As soon as he did, I stood up as some others did to find a partner.

I went over to where Carol sat and said tentatively, “Hey, Carol.”

She looked up. “Dante, hey.”

“D’you…think it would be all right if I sit with you?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

I pulled up the desk beside hers, moved it closer to her, and sat down.

Opening my textbook and taking out a sheet of loose leaf paper, I glanced at her.

“How’re you doing?”

Carol glanced back at me. I stared at her and saw that smile on her face. I couldn’t quite pinpoint exactly what I was feeling when I looked at her. How could she be so happy? I was happy, too, but why couldn’t I be as happy as she was? Couldn’t I be happier? I wasn’t saying I was unhappy – just not entirely so. And I didn’t know why either, but I wanted to believe Carol could tell me.

So how was I feeling? Jealous of Carol’s happiness? Envious? Regretful?

Wait, what the hell was I thinking? Regretful?  Why would I regret being in a relationship with Angel? Angel was my girlfriend – my first one ever. Hadn’t I been moaning and groaning for someone to love me for who I was? Hadn’t Angel done just that? I could never deny that my life had been much better when Angel came into it. She loved me, and she still does. How could I feign dissatisfaction?

If I was so content, why then couldn’t my happiness for and with Angel grow any further? Surely, certainly, this couldn’t be the limit.

“I’m good,” she replied brightly, “How about you?”

Dissatisfied. Confused.

“I’m okay. What’s been happening lately with you?”

“Not a lot,” she said, sucking in the center of her lips absently, “You? How are you and Angel doing? Two months now and going strong, right?”

Almost strong.

“Yeah,” I managed a smile that couldn’t have been any more false.

“That’s good,” Carol said approvingly, “You’re perfect for each other.”

I used to wholeheartedly believe that, but now I wasn’t entirely sure about it anymore. Angel and I encountered scarce if any problems in our relationship so far, and as far as I could reason, she had been a great girlfriend. She gave me things that I always wanted to have – the feeling of being loved and appreciated, a higher sense of self-worth, the intimacy I hungered for.

Angel was never a problem. But now, I was almost sure I was one.

I almost smirked mirthlessly but looked away instead.