You Can't Have It All

Chapter 22

            Did I do anything wrong? Why isn’t he speaking to me? Is he feeling well? All the thoughts raced through my mind as I lay in bed that night. After I got in the car, Mr. Sean never said a word while he drove us back home, or when we reached the house. He closed the door and left me alone in the living room. I stood for a long time wondering what I did wrong, but nothing came to mind. Is he still angry about me talking to Daniel? I thought he was not angry when I told him off, but I couldn’t be too sure because he then had conversations with others. Maybe he’s just back to his moody character again.

            I contemplated my decision to tell him how I feel, but I wasn’t too sure if I could voice it out or not. During breakfast I watched him as he read a newspaper at the dining table. Should I tell him, or should I not? I took a deep breath as I decided to tell him how I feel.

            “Err…Mr. Sean,” I said, as he took his eyes of the paper and looked at me from above it.

            “Yeah,” he said coldly. I stalled, not knowing how to go on.

            “I have something to tell you,” I said, as he glared at me. That look doesn’t look too inviting. Maybe it’s not a good idea to tell him how I feel.

            “Me too,” he said as I blinked at him, “I have something to tell you first.”

            “Oh, what is it?” I asked him.

            “You go first,” he said.

            “It’s okay, sir,” I dallied, “Mine can wait.”

            “I see,” he said, narrowing his eyes of me, “What I wanted to say is I think we should continue our plan for the divorce now that my father seems to be getting better.”

            I felt like a thunder struck right into the bowels of my heart. What did he just say? Did he say what I thought he said? He wants to divorce me? I really thought that he might have changed his mind, but I know now that I was a fool to even fall for him. I could feel my tears pricking my eyes and it took all my self-control to hold it in, as I cleared my throat.

            “Oh, I see,” I said, my voice shaking a little and it sounded tiny in the huge dining room.

            “Yeah, I kept quiet all these while because of father, but now since he’s healthy enough to play golf every weekend, I think we can continue with our agenda,” he said coldly, his eyes slicing through mine. I looked down at the table because looking into his eyes made me feel weaker.

            “Oh,” I said, nodding my head. Who am I to think I could actually win his heart or even stay in his life?

            “So, what was it that you wanted to tell me?” he asked me.

            “Err,” I looked at him, my brains scrambling for an answer. I can’t possibly tell him that I loved him, now that he made it clear that he didn’t want me in his life, “I just wanted to tell you that I am working hard for the EASY program and that I can’t wait to go to Korea. I also agree with you on the divorce matter.”

            “I thought so,” Mr. Sean said, smirking, “There’s no reason for you to disagree is there?”

            Will it even matter if I disagree?

            “Of course not,” I said, bitterly, “Why would I disagree? We both need to get on with our own lives.”

            “Right,” he said, as he drank the cup of coffee that was in front of him as I totally lost my appetite to eat. We went to work in silence as I pondered my situation. There was nothing I could do now anyway; I will just have to help Mr. Sean think of a strategy for us to get divorced, or else I can just pray I go to Korea and after a few years we can file for divorce due to irreconcilable differences. I told Mr. Sean of the idea and he just nodded his head.