Dear Past, You Suck!

I Can't Even Dress Myself

As soon as I showed Eleanor my phone, I kind of regretted it. She was sitting on the floor with her head in her hands breathing heavily. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I guess I thought wrong. I just wanted to prove I wasn't insane. 

"Hey Eleanor, are ya alright? I'll put it away if you want," I said gently. I didn't want to scare her anymore, she was like a deer stuck in a headlight and I was waiting to see whether she'd run or stay. A deer that would run away, rally a mob, and burn me at the stake. I've never encountered a deer before if you can't tell. I clicked the phone off and put it out of sight. Eleanor mumbled something that I couldn't hear. "What are ya saying?"

"When are you from?" She asked finally looking up.

"2017. I don't know how I got here though."

"2017!" She exclaimed eyes nearly popping out of her head.

"Yeah. It would be like a huge  favour to me if you just like kept me from doing anything to get myself killed. It would be greatly appreciated." I said. Eleanor got up off the ground, composing herself.

"I will do my best miss Alice. I think that at the current moment it would be best that I leave to... regain my composure. I will see you in the morn when I come to deliver the tonic," Eleanor said heading toward the door and not making eye contact.

"Thanks Eleanor. Also, please don't make me take that nasty ass stuff. In my time, it has been proven that the stuff in that "medicine" is less than great for anyone's health," I said trying to smile and laugh to ease the idea of something being from my time.

"I do not understand what you mean by 'nasty ass stuff' but I believe I understand enough. I will pour out the tonic. Have a good night, miss Alice."

I climbed into the bed, it was stiff and uncomfortable. I had no idea how I would be able to sleep in it. I could feel the bits of feathers sticking up against the top. The bed was surprisingly warm though. I hit my foot against something hot and I pulled my foot away quickly. It seemed that the bed was warm because of a hot iron that was between the sheets. I grabbed the pan and put it on the ground. Who's stupid idea was it to put scorching metal into a bed?

I realized why that was a good idea later in the night. I woke up to a freezing room. The bed was ice and so was the air. So for what I assumed was the next four hours until the sun came up, I lay there regretting hastily throwing away the hot pan. I was relieved to see Eleanor come in to light the fireplace.

"Good morning, Miss Alice. Did you rest well?" She asked me as she piled firewood into the fireplace.

"I didn't at all! How do you sleep in these beds! I miss my memory foam." I hoped that Eleanor had accustomed herself to my differentness last night.

"...Memory foam?" She asked cautiously like she wasn't sure if she wanted to know.

"Yeah its this soft stuff that when you sit in it, it like forms to shape your body until you leave. It was also so cold in here last night!"

"Did I not heat your bed iron enough?" She seemed almost scared that she didn't do something well enough.

"No you did. I just got rid of it. In my time we don't use bed irons, it would probably be considered dangerous actually. I can already just hear the overprotective moms up in arms against it."

"How do you keep your rooms warm then?"

"We don't need to. We have a system that keeps the entire house a comfortable temperature,"

"That is awing!" She exclaimed. I laughed. I suppose it is, I had never really considered that. Being here was opening my eyes about a lot of things I was taking for granted at home. "Oh Duchess Charlotte Hemerton, wishes me to tell you that your brother will be arriving shortly from London for his Breeching Celebration."

"One, he's not my brother and two,what the hell is a breaching ceremony?" I asked.

"It is a celebration for the twelfth birthday when the young man rids his childhood clothing," she explained as she shuffled in a closet pulling out several garments.

"Awh so it's like a birthday party. Great a birthday party that I have to attend that I don't even know the person," I sighed. I have dozens of younger cousins and I'm always made to go. There's only so many birthday parties you can sit on the sidelines watching dozens of small children run by.

"Precisely, Miss Alice. I believe your parents-sorry- Elizabeth's parents are using his breeching ceremony as a way to show that you have been rescued. Would you please take off your nightgown, miss alice so I may help you get dressed." Eleanor laid out a skirt,petticoat, pant like things, dress and corset. Is this a casual outfit?

"Um no thank you. Can I just wear my pants?" I pointed to the jeans that were folded on a chair nearby.

Eleanor looked horrified, "Absolutely not! I mean they are a tad indecent. They may be considered appropriate in your time but here.." she shook her head, "those are worse than being in your undergarments!"

"Fine if I have to wear those god awful things then I'll do it myself,"

"That I am afraid is not a choice, Miss Alice. You will not be able to put anything on yourself."

I sighed and began slipping out of my nightgown, "Fine but I am keeping my bra and panties on!"

"I do not know what that is but if you insist then I can not do anything about it," Eleanor said. Eleanor was once again amazed at the contraption that is a bra. She said that it would make daily activities so much easier. Once I had on a corset on, I understood why she was so amazed by a bra. I could barely breathe. Or walk. Or talk. Or pretty much live. Every time I didn't think the corset could get tighter, it did. Then were the undergarments. Then came the side panniers. They were a wooden cage that went against each hip so that the dress wouldn't fall against my legs. Then was the skirt, followed by the shirt and the dress cover overtop of that. By the end I felt like I had a million layers weighing me down. Eleanor tied my long hair in an elaborate twist on my head with a few curls falling down in the back.

I was helped down the stairs into the dining room where the Hemertons were already waiting. I looked at the chair that I was supposed to sit in and groaned outwardly. How was I supposed to sit? With the panniers on either side of me, I was wider than the chair which made sitting even more difficult.

"Elizabeth dear I see you are well this day," Mr. Hemerton said not bothering to look up from his meal.

"Oh yes I'm just fabulous," I said sarcastically.

"Oh that is good to hear," Mrs Hemerton said. A man came into the room carrying a plate with toast, eggs, meat and beer. He placed it in front of me. I said thank you and he stopped for just a moment looking shocked then hightailed it out of the room.

"Any news on the war  in the newspaper?" Mrs Hemerton asked.

Mr Hemerton grunted, " Indeed. We lost another battle."

"War? What war?" I asked trying to remember any thing from history class.

"We are at War with France. We declared it last may." Mrs Hemerton. Crap. Of course I couldn't be spit out into a time that everything was good and fine. Was there a time like that? Oh frick, I recall something called the Seven Years War. I hope that this wasn't the time.

"In other recent events, they have completed the longest bridge in England. An entire 140 feet." Mr Hemerton seemed proud but I snorted out loud.

"140 feet that's nothing," I blurted out without thinking, "I mean wow really that is nothing not to celebrate. Yup go England!"

"Are you sure you are alright, Elizabeth. You must be well to go on your outing with Abraham this afternoon." Mrs Hemerton said. I rolled my eyes,

"That guy again?" I said.

"Yes, he is your fiancé after all," Mrs Hemerton said, slightly confused. "Perhaps you should rest before this afternoon."

I looked at my breakfast which I could not eat because of my corset and sighed, "You know what, I'll go right now."

I ungracefully got out of my chair and exited the room. I wasn't going to rest but I was leaving this suffocating house. I'm going to go downtown because how many 21st century girls get to see a 18th century English town. I'm not sure but I'm guessing not many.