Dear Past, You Suck!

Good 'n' Gone

He left first thing in the morning on a large boat. The mood was weirdly cheery, like they had just come back from war instead of heading off. I think I even saw someone carrying around a few mugs of beer. The men climbed onto the boat, hooting and calling out to those they knew in the crowd. Abe was nearly the last to get on. We stood with each other, not saying anything as we treasured our last remaining moments. Abe seemed content with leaving, he held me tightly, occasionally looking over his shoulder to see the men getting onto the boat. I grasped onto these moments as they slipped through my fingers. But the last call for the boat was made. The boat to take him directly into the war. We barely had time to say goodbye before he was shuffled onto the boat. 'They had a tight schedule' everyone said. 'He's a hero' they said 'a true man protecting his home and his family.' 'It's unfair' I said, but apparently people don't really care about my opinions or injustice. Through watery eyes, I watched his figure leaning against the prow of the boat get smaller and smaller. Eventually his figure blurred with the rest of the men who were waving their final goodbyes to their loved ones. Some will not come back. Others will, but not truly. Their minds will scar from what they witness.

I travel back in the carriage. I wasn't alone but I felt like I was. Everyone I trusted was gone. Now I felt like I was Elizabeth. Alice was gone. Well if she wasn't already, she will be soon. After months, maybe even years of faking being Elizabeth, when will it stop being an act? When will after answering to the name, will I feel like it is mine. Alice being just a memory, a childhood character, that I had realized I had outgrown. When will I forget my real family, my real home, my real identity? How soon until I am gone? I may have been born in the future, but I will live in the past. Die in the past.

Duchess Hemerton must have noticed my silence. She touched my gloved hand, caringly. "He will be back soon, my dear. He will have won the war for king and country. And then I expect some heirs to be conceived." She chuckled, "Do not dwell on this! Your father will be returning soon enough, focus on that."

"Sure I am so looking forward to that," I rolled my eyes, trying to pull the tears back before they threatened to run down my face.

Margaret caught my gaze, looking at the tears about to spill, and gave me a sad half smile, "Duchess Hemerton, would it be possible for Elizabeth and I to have a private luncheon today. Just some cousin bonding time." She pleaded silently with the Duchess, her eyes darting over to me and back at her, raising her eyebrows to be like 'see? She needs this.' I averted my gaze back out the window, not wanting anyone to see my red eyes.

"I think that would be a splendid idea. I will have the chefs put all of their focus into your meal. How about hosting this in the sunroom?" Duchess Hemerton answered excitedly. I didn't really want to be around anyone right now. Now was the time to listen to every heart wrenching nineties song I had curled up under my blankets in my room. Maybe I'll pretend to have a headache. Ever since arriving here (or returning) everyone freaked out when I had a headache. Apparently it was a sign I was dying.

Apparently that wasn't going to be possible though because immediately I was pulled toward the sunroom. "Margaret, really, I don't feel well. I just want to lie down."

"You feel perfectly fine, it is your heart that hurts. If you focus on it, it will never heal. Believe me."

"I won't focus on it, if you just let me leave. I'll-ill be down for dinner, I promise," I pleaded as she forced me into a chair at a small table.

"I do not believe you will be. You will feel better soon enough,"she promised. She nodded to a server as she set down a platter of fruits and cheeses. "Besides, do you truly wish to deceive us with a headache? Duchess will have you bedridden until your husband is home."