Dear Past, You Suck!

The Wrath Of The Warlests

Day ten of researching now. I wake up, get dressed, eat, and spend the rest of the day in the library. Sir Logger was always in the library before me and left after me. He practically lived in there. I had never seen him at the dining table (which was basically required.) I don't know if no one ever has seen him outside the library. Around the staff he had gotten the nickname Library Hermit. He had gradually become less conversational as the days went on. Now the only communication we have between us was either him grunting thoughtfully or him sliding a book towards me. He seemed to have invested all of his time, energy, and focus on my goal. As useful as that would have been, we had almost exhausted all of our resources. There was less than a shelf left of books that had any prevalence to our goal. And I was getting worried. I flipped through books 'feverishly' as Margaret described. Duchess Hemerton has become even more concerned over my 'appalling reading problem.' Apparently reading now was the equivalent of my times video game addictions. And everyone had something to say about it.

I know that I really shouldn't care what they thought- I didn't when I got here. But-and I hate saying this- I do care. When the servants give me their usual glare or odd looks, I care now. There is a twinge inside me where I want to stand taller and smile brighter. I try to suppress it. I think why do I even care? I'll be gone soon. But when a guest comes to the house for dinner, I let them kiss my hand. I smile as bright as Margaret does. I stand straight like Duchess Hemerton has been telling me to do since I got here. I guess her lesson has finally stuck. But it feels wrong, like I am betraying myself when I nod politely or laugh at something that was clearly unfunny. I'm stressed when others think poorly of me. I'm stressed when I do what they want. Right now I just know I'm not doing anything. I'm not helping anyone in this fricken messed up world. I'm not even helping myself! Right now I'm just sitting on my ass, going nowhere, doing nothing. I've got to find something quickly, or else I will go insane.

As soon as I help Eleanor, I am going home. I have been homesick a few times during my stay here but never has it been so intense before. It's like something is squirming in my chest. Like an itch I can't scratch. Like I could run for miles and never tire as long as it carried me away. I want to go home. I want a memory foam mattress. I want tv nights with my Mom and Monica. I want long car rides to the lake. I want light in a room without work. I want to hang out with Molly, sitting in class discreetly texting each other. Playing a game with a group of friends. Opening even the god damn fridge to get some cold water. Cold water! Now that would be a treat. I want to be able to check Instagram, see what the world is up to. I haven't even turned on my phone in a month. The battery is dwindling and time here seems to be marching on. I still keep it with me at all times. In my boot, against my breast, in a small pocket under my skirt. I just want to be able to be myself. Do what I want to do.

Sir Logger sighs heavily and closes his book. He leans back, pushing up his thick glasses and rubbing his wrinkled eyes. I looked up from my book curiously, he never takes a break. He leaned on the book he had just been reading and looked me in the eyes for several awkward silent seconds. I tried to avoid the awkward stare, but I kept flicking back to his gaze. Finally he said, "How important is this to you, my dear."

Very, very important. This determines the rest of my life and of Eleanor's but I can't say that. "Well I really want to know." He stares at me, his eyes accessing something that I could not tell.

"I am afraid that this is the furthest in our research that we will be going with these books." He said beginning to move towards the bookshelves with an armful of books that had been sitting on the table since the first day researching. If he was putting away the books that must meant he was done researching all together.

"But no, we have to keep-"

"With these books, my dear. I did not say that we were done. I will be going to London in a few days time and with the permission of your parents in place of your husband, I would like you to accompany me. We would of course spend most of our time researching in the Bodleian."

"The Bodleian?"

"A library," his eyes crinkled, "I have spent a lot of hours in that library while I was studying in my youth. It was fairly new back then."

"Of course I will!"

"As soon as the Duchess gives you permission to accompany we will depart."

Finally something to do! Someplace to be! "I will go ask her immediately." I said smiling appreciatively. I calmly stood up leaving the the library. But as soon as the library door closed I hiked up my skirt and ran down the hall. My stiff shoes sliding on the polished floors. I ran into the drawing room where Duchess Hemerton spent most of her time. I slid into the room panting. Duchess Hemerton sat stiffly talking curtly with Abe's mom. They both held cups of tea which I guessed from both of their stiff white knuckled grips on them they had gone cold a while ago. Lady Warlest glanced up and down at my undone appearance, sniffing in disapproval. I had stopped doing my hair everyday now and with my hiked up skirt I probably looked very dishevelled. I dropped my dress smoothing out the wrinkles. Duchess Hemerton turned her head, forcing a stiff smile.

"Elizabeth, what is so urgent to interrupt my meeting with Lady Warlest?" She said with gritted teeth.

I guess I should have waited. Under the angered gaze of the two women, I could feel my cheeks reddening. "I apologize Mother. I will come back at a better time." I turned to head back out the door, watching my posture.

Lady Warlest raised a eyebrow, "No, it must be very urgent to have interrupted us. I would like to hear what it is my daughter in law has to say."

My face flushed even more red, "No it is fine."

"No, I insist," she said with a menacing look. Duchess Hemerton looked between the two of us, obviously worried about what it is I have to say. She's says that I am 'uncouth' which I have only recently found out what it means. Finally she gives a small nod to encourage me to speak.

"Well, uh, Mother, Sir Logger has invited me to accompany him to London," with the glares of concern from the two women, I speed up my speech, "It would be a wonderful experience. I would of course be assisting him with his research as we have been doing here. It may also lead to a few connections in London and-and I wish to go very much, Mother, of course with your permission. I just thought it may distract my mind with Abraham being gone."

"You can not possibly be considering letting her go. It is her duty to learn to be a faithful and useful wife while my son is at war," Lady Warlest's laughter had a threatening edge to it. Since the wedding day she's seems to have lost all of her usual lighthearted friendliness.

Duchess Hemerton pursed her lips, unhappy with Lady Warlest's demands, "Well I believe that this would be a very beneficial opportunity. Besides we needed to send your brother a package, you can deliver it personally whilst there."

Lady Warlest's jaw dropped slightly, " What about when my son comes back and his wife has been galavanting all around the country without him knowing."

"With his current issues, I am sure what his wife is doing is the least of his concern at the moment. Besides I thought you had made it clear that he was no longer your son." Duchess Hemerton said calmly, looking away as she did. At Lady Warlest's appalled look I had to stifle a smirk. "Elizabeth, why do you not begin preparing your trunks and leave Lady Warlest and I?"

"Of course Mother," I said doing a small curtsey to the two ladies. I hadn't even completely left the room yet when the argument started.

"I do not think our arrangement will be able to be completed, Duchess. I can not give inheritance to a family that would allow such disrespect Andy oddities."

"You agreed to a bride price."

"And you agreed your daughter was a noble lady but sometimes I cannot tell the difference between her and a street urchin. She has corrupted my son as well! You have not upheld your end of the bargain and so neither will we!"

"Do you mean you and your infedel husband? For he is more worthy than my noble family? He is the reason that the town has suffered so much in these past few weeks. I lost one of my best maids because of him!"

"I have no more words to exchange with you or this family any longer. I believe it is time for I to depart. I wish not to see any of the members of this household around my properties or else I will be involving the constables."

As I leaned against the wall beside the door eavesdropping, the door flung open, an angry Lady Warlest storming past. She didn't even notice me as I jumped out of the way of the door. Thank god I will be home soon. I don't know how much more of this drama I can take.