Handle With Clare

Chapter 24: Full Of Disappointments

Hey! I thought you might enjoy a little photo of Farrah and mom! I realized that I haven't given a photo of the mom yet so enjoy! Also the song is for the start of the chapter!

Darla H

I pulled at my white lace dress that I decided was a little too short for such a performance. Sadly, this was the only dress from Farrah's closet that fit me the best. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as I tried not to get too worked up about this show, knowing that I needed to calm down.

I was going to be performing next, but my hands were shaking so badly that I wasn't sure if I could play the simple song that I memorized. As I looked at the stage as one person played a piccolo, I realized that this was the most nerve-racking thing I have done.

As fear consumed me, I knew I couldn't do this. Nervously, I looked around for an exit but stopped when I saw my parents sitting behind me with excitement. Anna wasn't the only one that wanted me to preform. I shook my head and took a deep breath. Breathe, Clare. Don't pass out. I felt sick to my stomach, and I was sure that if I let myself, I could vomit right here.

I looked behind me again and locked eyes with Anna, who gave me a small thumbs up before looking away hinting that she was still distant. I would be honest that she had been on my mind the past few days as I tried to figure out how to help, but I had come up with nothing.

Even when I texted her, her responses were quick and short, as if she didn't want to talk to me. Seeing her here gave me hope for us, hoping that I could talk to her after the show and maybe then she would get back to her cheery self. My heart ached for her. I missed her company, her sassy texts, and it had only been a few days.

"You can do this, Clare," Peter whispered to me, bringing me back to the show.

I forced a smile at him, still in disbelief that he skipped his rugby game for this. I noticed him skipping a lot of practices recently for me, but this was the first game he had skipped for me and it made me feel guilty. He should have been at the game. That was more important than one song at a talent show.

"You got this," dad whispered from behind me.

I nodded as I turned to face him but frowned at the empty seat beside dad where Farrah should have been. I couldn't believe that Peter would skip games for me, but Farrah won't skip a single date for me.

I thought about what Farrah told me today. 'I really want to see you perform, but I'm going out with Malik. He bought these tickets to see a concert and I can't say no. Plus I have heard you practice for days. I know this song by heart now.' she said to me just hours before we left. I was so hurt that I said nothing back, only able to walk away in silence. I wanted Farrah to be here to support me, but it was clear that she had more important things to tend to, and that hurt me the most.

"Clare Atkins is next," the overly excited support group leader said on the stage, calling me up.

Here went nothing. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling lightheaded, but shooing away the thought, convinced that it was only nerves as I walked up to the piano and sat down in front of it. Silently, I put my hands on the keys and sat there for a second as I worked up the nerve to play. With one more deep breath, I forced myself to play nicer than I had ever before. The notes were clear and smooth and as I started to sing along to the melody; I knew that this would be an outstanding performance.

As the last note rang out, I lifted my hands from the piano and turned to face the crowd to see smiling faces, and I smiled back at them as the crowd burst into applause.

I stood up, prepared to bow, but my vision blackened around the edges, causing me to stumble back into the piano bench. I quickly grabbed the bridge of my nose, as I felt dizzy beyond anything that I had felt before. I heard people gasp, and I frowned, knowing that I was making a scene. This was exactly what I didn't want to happen. I pushed myself up from the bench slowly and said to the crowd, "I'm fine."

Without a word, Peter walked up to me and wrapped his arm around me, leading me off the stage to the empty seat next to him. I sat down and hid my face in my hands, completely embarrassed. I was sure that my face was bright red, and I just wanted to hide in the bathroom, away from everyone, until the evening was over. I felt Peter's hand rub my back as he tried to comfort me, but it wasn't working.

"It was really beautiful, Clare," he whispered into my ear.

I frowned at the ground. That might have been true until the end, when I screwed it up. "Yeah, until the end."

"That doesn't matter. Do you think anyone else cares about that?"

I shook my head. "You're wrong. Right now they are thinking, 'oh that poor girl. I wonder what she has. I wonder if that happens often? Is that what her family must deal with daily? She must have such a rough life.' I hate when they think about those things."

"Why does it matter?"

I lifted my head to look at him. I was going to reply but at that moment dad came walking over to us with concern written all over his face.

"Clare, are you ok?" dad asked me.

I nodded even though I still felt like I was going to vomit. "Yes, I'm ok. I just got a little dizzy. That's all," I lied to him. To be honest with myself, it freaked me out. I was often dizzy, but my vision had never blackened out like that before, with little notice. It terrified me that for a second, I was not under control.

He frowned at me, knowing that I was lying. "We can talk about this when we get home Clare."

This was why I didn't want to perform. I knew that everything could go wrong so fast.

I sat still for the rest of the performance as I tried to regain myself. As the last performance finished, I looked around for Anna, wanting to talk with her but when I stood up, a few people from the support group came up to me to talk as if we were friends.

Eventually, I was able to make my way to freedom, but when I looked for Anna, she wasn't in the room any longer. Knowing that she must have gone back to her room, I was about to seek her there, but was stopped by my father.

"Ok, let's get out of here. I would say you have had enough excitement for the day."

I nodded, disappointed that Anna didn't come to me before she went off. Worry filled me as I realized she didn't want to come talk to me. She left on purpose, wanting to leave me alone without a word. Didn't she see that I did this for her? Too mad at her to protest with my father, I followed him out of the room and down the hall to get out.

"Clare, that was amazing. I'm really proud of you for going up there," mom said to me as we drove home.

I nodded at her from the back seat where I sat. "Thanks. I had some fun up there. It was refreshing to be performing."

"I told you, you would do well," Peter said as he sat beside me in the back seat, holding my hand. He smiled at me and kissed the top of my head and I melted a little, feeling butterflies in my stomach, convinced that I would never get used to his small gestures of affection.

Bringing my attention back to the car was when my father spoke up. "So how are you feeling, Clare?"

I frowned at him for a second, knowing that he was referring to the trip on stage. "I just got a little dizzier than normal. I'm fine though."

He frowned at me and looked at me in the rearview mirror.

I forced a small smile and gave a small laugh. "I'm ok. You worry about me a little too much, dad. Now can you please turn up the radio? I like this song." I tried to act like what I just felt was nothing, but it honestly freaked me out. I didn't want my parents to worry about it though. They had enough on their hands, as it was. I was just going to tell doctor Patel about it when I had my next appointment.