Unvoiced Introspection: Love & Despair

The Choice

We sat ourselves outside the freezing night, in the cool patio of the house where I thought we'd last see each other. Crickets and the harsh breeze filled the tensed space between us. I knew exactly what you were going to say, and how exactly you were gonna say it. I anticipated the excruciating impact of the words you were about to utter.

But no such anticipation ever prepared me for what happened next.

"I'm leaving." You broke the silence. I smiled, looked at you and said, "To find the self you lost?" You looked at me with eyes that reflected all the broken pieces of your heart and smiled back. That had always been our thing. We had always predicted what the other was thinking before one of us said it.

"Why have you stayed with me after all this time, when you have always known I'm leaving?" You shot the question, no pretense, all raw, straightforward.

"Because I know how it feels to be alone in the darkest place. You needed me." Silence ensued. And I knew that with all the words running through your head, you can never formulate the response I wanted to hear. So I kept on going and said, "Don't worry about me. I've handled shit by myself and I have lived. Go on and find yourself. I know she broke your heart and changed everything about you that I once liked, but you need this. I have never wanted anything else but for you to be happy. Even if that means, leaving me behind."

"What do you like about me?" I paused, for the first time in a long while, you have said something I haven't anticipated. "I like that... I like that you buy me food even if my stomach doesn't require it. I like that you play and sing along to all the sappy songs I never wanted to hear. I like that you laugh at me for pretending I'm not affected when I know I'm not but you believe I am. I like that you call me randomly at 3 AM after drinking with your friends and driving yourself home half-asleep. I like that you say you need me. That you appreciate me. That you're grateful for having me. And most of all, I like that you were always there for me." I finished, tears welling up my eyes.

"I would very much like to say the same things, but it would be unfair to you. I like you. I really really like you too. I need to leave to find myself. And I promise. I'll come back for you." I shed a tear, I looked away. My spirit was crushed by the clear connotation of those very words. I knew exactly the inevitable possibilities that those words offer. 

I wanted to say the overrated what-ifs. What if you land yourself at someone else? What if you liked being away and decided to never look back? What if you kept running away and liked the cool breeze upon your cheeks that you find yourself unable to stop? What if? 

But I kept my cool. I let a single tear escape, looked up, and said, "You know why I've been so good to people? I have always wondered what it felt like to be chosen. All I have ever wanted was for someone, not even necessarily a lover, just someone, like a friend I occasionally talk to, even that stranger across the street... for once in my life, just someone who would choose me. So I can finally quench my thirst of being someone worth choosing." I looked at him, with eyes full of betrayal, understanding, shame, love, hope, joy, and sadness. And I ran. 

I kept running to a place I have never known. I ran with my heart thumping in rapid beats while breaking themselves into pieces yet again. I ran with the excruciating and blinding breeze of the still freezing night. And I found myself running, through months, and years, that stretched between the seemingly unbending and unyielding streets.

And one day I stopped. One day I heard a voice. One day I looked back to the same streets where I have run my frustrations away. And one day, I found you there, at the end of the longest road I have ever run. Shouting, screaming, reaching for me. It was impossible for me to hear what you're saying. But you got closer, and closer, and closer. And the amount of time it took us to be away from each other vanished between the now fresh breeze of the warm night. Suddenly you were in front of me. You took my hands and said, "Try to predict what I am going to say." I froze, unable to move. You stretched the largest smile I have ever seen you offer, displaying the metal braces that filled each gap of your own perceived imperfection. And just yet again, nothing could have prepared me for the words you said next.

"I choose you."

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A/N: I have decided to incorporate short stories in this collection. So not only would this contextualize my experiences in poems, but in heartfelt short pieces as well. Enjoy reading! :)