Unvoiced Introspection: Love & Despair

Wildflower

An open letter for the man I love who I can never call mine...

And who will never know.  

To my Wild,

Hi. This may never reach you but I am writing this as I am feeling a plethora of emotions and feelings for you. The clear distinction of everything there is to have for love and hate vanishes when I think about you. I am a girl, who, I'd like to think, knows herself very much to distinguish her feelings for others. But when it comes to you, everything blurs. I don't exactly know how I feel, I just know that there's a strong sense of connection that bridges me to you. You inspire me to be selfless, yet I am selfish when I'm with you. Your happiness means much more to me than I would have liked it, and I find myself constantly agonizing to the feeling of nostalgia every time I am reminded of you. But as nostalgic as I feel, simultaneously I also get a feeling of relief and happiness from the thought of you doing everything that lifts your soul and inspire you to sprinkle a new set of hues and colors to this dark, cruel world.

There's nothing I could think of wishing more than having you realize how incredible you are. How captivated I am of the depths your eyes hold and how wide your heart is. And for that, you deserve the world. As much as you deserve to give credit for the things you do right than chastising yourself for the things you do wrong. You are not perfect and you will never be. Your decisions are solely based on your emotions, and who is to say whether they're wrong or right? You've shown me varied shades of you that amaze and scare me at the same time. And surprisingly, and ungrudgingly, I am drawn to you even more.

I know you have your own demons and there are times when you just allow them to consume you. I know you have experienced the darkest of times and how you wish you could never go back. I know you have done irreversible things that you truly, deeply regret and that you don't know the reasons for why you did them. I know you have a lot of questions about life that you know you'll never get the answers for. But that's okay. We don't need to know everything. What if everything that happens is meant to happen to you as it is part of a greater reason? Maybe the little things we do are an accumulation of a much greater thing with a greater purpose in the grand scheme of life? There are certainly more questions than there are answers in life. Because sometimes, answers could very well appear in the form of questions.

It's easy to be susceptible to change through pain and unfamiliarity. It's easy to be carried away by how you're feeling and to break away from the boundaries we used to set ourselves by. It's easy to rebel against all the rules we used to align with our principles and that's okay. But please, never lose sight of what truly defines you. If ever you do, I hope you gather enough strength to take it back and hold it, gain control of it. Because this world cannot afford to lose a person as honest and genuine as yourself. Even though all your current notions are geared towards counter-arguing that because your judgment is clouded by your corrupted perception of yourself.

I fell in too deep that your happiness means more to me than my own. That I find myself dropping everything completely to rush by your side when your need for me is called. That I forget every single thing those love songs told me not to do to save myself from the heartbreak just to spend even stolen moments with you.

I love you. And I could and would love you some more. Until my lungs hurt from trying to breathe despite the pain. Until my heart hurts from the broken pieces inside. I love you. And I'd choose you. In a heartbeat.

But only if I could. Because I know you and I could never happen. But I love you to the point that I'm choosing your happiness over my own. Even if that doesn't include me.

So instead, I'd keep loving you from a distance. I'd be here when you need me. I'd be here to take your mind away from the pile of billing papers you have to go through. I'd be here when you don't want to be alone.

I hope you do whatever it takes to save yourself. Open-up. Be vulnerable. Drop everything. Let it all go. For someone who is courageous is someone who accepts flaws with an unyielding heart. Don't burn yourself with the same fire that drives and fuels your passion to live. Use that fire to ignite hope within you. That everything will fall right into place. That genuine happiness is within reach.

Have faith. Believe in you. Because someone out there does. At least, I do.

Your Wildflower