Baby steps ∽『boy ✮ boy -EDITED

Twenty third 👣-edited

I was nervously waiting for Carter's response. My heart's objective was to send me into a heart attack and my palms were shaking so hard my fingers could be mistaken for a pair of cluttering teeth. And despite my distress, Carter seemed to barley be affected by my words. Disgust, confusion, anger, I didn't know what his expressions consisted of. However, I knew for sure he was shocked.

"Wow!" Was the first thing he said.

"Wow, but like wow wow." He continued, frowning then smiling and gaping like a fish, his facial expressions changing as if controlled by a remote control.

"I- I am really surprised. To think that you like me, that you have liked me all this time is simply.... wow."

My eyebrows were furrowed in worry but the corners of my mouth still succeeded to wobble upwards in a shy smile.

"I really didn't expect this... let me-let me calm down a bit, okay?" Carter said and I responded with a nod, drawing my legs close to my chest and crossing my arms around them and leaning my chin on my knees. I wanted to look up at Carter but I was too nervous so I decided to look at my socks instead, muncing on my lower lip until it was sore and swollen.

Finally, Carter stopped fretting and muttering, flopping on the pillow, his fringes strewn everywhere. His eyes were fixed on me and he turned until he was laying on his side, one of his hands held under his head while the other patted the pillow beside him, inviting me to lie down.

"Come here for a moment, Ryder."

My heart skipped a beat and I reluctantly mimicked Carter's position facing him. This was it, the moment he was going to reject me and tell me to forget whatever feelings I've ever nested for him.

Insted of going head on into shutting me down though, Carter kept on looking at me, from my eyes to my nose and my lips, slowly mapping all my features like a land he had newly discovered. And I... I was doing the same. Both of Carter's hands were resting under his head and his body was curled on his side, his sharp jaw and piercing eyes making him look deadly handsome.

"You are oddly cute."

For a moment I was scared I voiced out my thoughts but I realized it was not me, but Carter saying this peculiarity. How could someone call me cute? I was tall like a mountain and bulky like a rocky field. I was not delicate and I spat more curses than a sailor could ever own in his vocabulary.

But for once, Carter looked at me like he meant it. I've seen this look many times but it had never been directed towards me. Simon had been the receiver of this kind and warm attention for years. I've wished and wondered many times "what if...". What if that was me in his place? What if Carter kissed MY forehead and asked ME how my day was.

He never did though. I was the homophobic scum. Carter knew to look at me  only one way and that was "I wanna pound your face into after-afterlife with my fist".

Oddly enough, he didn't look like he wanted to punch me at all right now. He had this soft smile on his face, and I somehow knew he was confused but not repelled. It made my heart twirl in my chest.And I was shocked, so shocked that Carter's affirmation drew a response from me almost as smart as his reaction to my confession:

"Uh..wh-what?"

Carter chuckled, but shook his head, rolling over on his back and sliding his hands under his head.

"You know," he started after a while, "this is the first time someone has ever confessed to me."

"What about Simon?"

Carter fell silent for a moment.

"We were more like 'kiss and flip to the next chapter'. To be honest, our whole relationship had been so rash."

I hummed in response, my heart twisting a bit in jealousy. Then I realized I had no idea what happened to Carter's and Simon's relationship. After Carter's disappearance all I heard were rumours. When Simon returned to college full of bruises and scars people thought that Carter beat him and was expelled. However, the people who knew Carter well said that the two got into an accident the day after our victory party. Carter drove under influence so lots of theories and rumours filled the halls of our college. He was sent to jail, he has been kicked out of the team and decided to move abroad. They even said he died into the accident. Hearing the later, I decided to go and confront Simon. He looked small and frail, like a beaten puppy but after a lot of stuttering he told me that Carter had been indeed into an accident, but all the other rumours were just rumours, fake and wrong.

Between those rumours though, there was one Simon never admitted to be wrong or right... the one that he and Carter had broken up.

I never thought to ask Carter his and Simon's status before confessing my feelings but I had to do it now, didn't I?

I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Are you and Simon still together?"

"Not really. We haven't officially broken up but trust me, we didn't need to. We are over."

I nodded and sealed my mouth shut. I wasn't sure Carter wanted to tell me what happened that night so I didn't insist. Instead I relaxed myself, the steady rhythm of his breathing lulling me to sleep.

The next morning I woke up to an empty bed. I remembered stirring awake sometimes during the night,  Carter's hand resting on my hip while my head laid on his shoulder. When I turned to look at him though he held me tightly and twirled my hair through his fingers, telling me to go back to sleep. Which I did... if I wasn't aleep and hadn't dreamed everything from the start.

I yawned and stretched my body, sitting up and looking around the room. Then I saw it, a pink note stuck to the nightstand.

"Dear Ryder, you snore like a pig. I couldn't sleep all night because I was afraid you were going to swallow me along with this entire house."

This first part drew a loud snort out of me.

"Anyways, I am sorry I had to leave so hastily. All night long I thought about your confession and I realized something... I don't want you to get rid of these feelings. But before I could give you my answer, I have to do something. You won't have to come to my house for the next two days, but on Wednesday at eleven o'clock straight... or gay or whatever sexuality you want... I expect you to be here.

P.S. I will miss your cooking these next two days. "

Happy new year everyone!! This is my gift for you... a peace offering between us and the universe, to make 2021 a better year than all the years before it.