The Princess and the Royal Guard

8: In Which They Reconnect

Coby

It is Ariana's birthday in a few weeks. I wonder if we will be friends at all by then, or if I will just be someone that she used to know. It breaks me a little more every time I see Ariana and Jasper parade around together. They are inseparable. However, as Ariana's friend, I have to support her happiness, which is obviously now Jasper. All I can say is I live for the day when he slips up or hurts her, so that I can squash him like the insignificant bug he is. Still, love makes people blind, so maybe Ariana cannot see his plain-as-day weaknesses. I sure can.

I know that I am inevitably going to lose Ariana, which causes a deep sadness to overwhelm me, but I know it is my fault. It took me too long to figure out my feelings. It is true – you never really know what you have until it is gone. I have been throwing myself into training to try to take my mind off everything, but you cannot ignore or simply forget heartache. It burns like a fire in your chest. My anger at life has reflected in my training, and I have sent more then one boy to the infirmary recently. Everyone is complaining about how brutal I am being, as I cannot seem to hold back, as it is the only time I get to release my storm of emotions. I am especially violent when Jasper and Ariana walk past, as all I can hear is her melodic laughter aimed at him. He really does not know how lucky he is.

Today though, I am not bothering to hide my emotions from the world. It is the anniversary of my father's death, a brilliant man who I live with the hope of making proud. I was always very close to him growing up, as he was my hero and we did everything together. When he was selfishly ripped away from me at the tender age of seven I thought I would never get over it, and I felt completely alone.

Every year on this day is a dark period for me where I cannot face anyone but Ariana. I truly feel like I am in the clutch of despair this year though, because of the joint hurt I am feeling with everything else going on. Captain Yohana always allows me the day off to grieve, and this year I am especially grateful. The captain has always been a father figure to me, but no one could replace my real dad. I have a tradition I always follow through to commemorate my father, which is to wake up before the sun, go into town to the bakery my father and I always used to go to for a treat, and pick up our favourite cakes. After that, I then go into the meadow as the sun rises to its full golden glory to pick some wild flowers to place at his grave, my last destination. The amount of mourning families coming to the soldiers graves become less and less every year, but I don't mind; more privacy for me. I then sit and talk to my father for hours about everything, before reluctantly making my way home to the castle in the late afternoon. Usually I then find Ariana and she consoles me, but I do not know if she even remembers or cares anymore, so I avoid her like the plague.

I eat alone in my quarters before the night sky starts to descend, before I make my way to another of Ariana and mine's secret spots, which happens to be on the roof. At the far end of the east wing, Ariana and I found a trap door whilst playing around, which leads to a set of rickety old stairs clambering up to the roof, presumably as a means of escape if the castle was ever attacked. The place was so thick with cobwebs we presumed everyone had forgotten about it, and made it our little spot. Ariana and I have made our way up here together countless of times I the past to star gaze, and I guess thinking back there were some moments between us that would not define us as friends, such as longing gazes and soft caresses. I was such a fool. Such precious moments between us will never happen again.

With Ariana beside me, I used to find solace in the ethereal night sky, lying silently next to her with our hands entwined. The sky fascinates us both, especially on a clear night as in every direction, there is a star, and should we fly into the universe any way would be the right way. Tonight the sky is clear, unblemished from clouds, so I tilt my head, gazing upward, eyes more open than they can be in the fullness of day, not looking at one star, yet somehow seeing them all at once. However, they do not seem to shine so brightly as all I am reminded of is my insignificance in this world and the depth of my loneliness.

Even when I had no one I had Ariana, but now I am losing her too.

The stars twist into warped shapes against the pitch-black curtain draped into the sky as my sadness starts leaking from me. I have not cried in years, but up here, all alone I cannot keep it buried any longer. I cry for my father, for Ariana and the uncertainty of the future.

My pain continues to leak from me until I hear a creak from behind me, which makes my sob freeze in my throat. Hurriedly I jump to my feet and whirl around, hating the idea of anyone seeing me in this weak state. There, a couple of steps away is a mournful looking Ariana, but still the picture of perfection with her features heightened under the full silvery moon. Hastily I rub my tears away, standing anxiously and wondering what she is doing here now. I used to be so comfortable with her and able to tell her everything, but now I really do not know where we stand.

"Coby..." She whispers as she steps closer, and I notice she is only in her regal lilac gown with bare, blackened feet. Has she been looking for me? "You did not come to me like you usually do." She speaks in an undertone before stopping right in front of me.

It is torture to have her so close but not able to claim her as my own.

"I was not sure you wanted me to." I reply, trying not to look at her.

"Of course I did Coby; I was waiting all day until I could not wait any longer. I had to know you are ok." She whispers earnestly.

"I am fine." I reply stiffly, not really believing that she cares.

"No you are not." She shakes her head adamantly before cautiously moving to hug me, and I do not have the strength to push her away, instead pulling her closer and allowing her to fill the hole in my heart in a moment of weakness. "I am here now Coby, it is all going to be ok." She whispers, and I foolishly allow myself to believe her.

We cling to each other in silence for hours just watching the stars and trying to forget about all the things unsaid. Nothing is ok between us right now, but this is a start. We lay out here in the fresh evening breeze until Ariana falls asleep in my arms, and I take a moment to appreciate her untouchable beauty, before carrying her to her bedroom and tucking her into the four-poster bed, leaving her with a chaste kiss on the cheek.

At least I know that she still cares about me to a point, which warms my lonely heart, but will make staying away from her even more difficult.

Edited