A Thousand Salt Kisses Later (Book 2 of Salt Kiss series)

One Way Traffic

I left Jemima's place at about eleven that night and set about the five-minute journey home. I lived down a quiet backstreet of Bethnal Green, and my footsteps echoed as I walked under the amber glow of the streetlamps.

My conversation with Jemima had made me feel more unsure than ever about my future with Sam. I felt torn.

A part of me wondered if maybe I was just too hung up on the past. What if Jemima's right? If I can just let go of all that, then maybe I could settle happily with Sam.

But deep, deep down something told me this wasn't the case. I had felt pretty happy and contented with him, but I just knew that he wasn't the one.

Dammit, all of this was because of finishing uni; it had forced us to transgress into this 'make or break' situation. I was so frustrated. Why couldn't we have just stayed in our student bubble for a little bit longer?

I reached my home - a big grand Victorian townhouse. If I didn't live with ten other people, there was no way in hell I would be able to afford this humongous place.

I put my key in the lock but refrained from turning it for a while. It all suddenly seemed like a full on break up was on the cards, and I had not been expecting this at all.

I walked slowly up the stairs. It was quiet tonight. Either everybody was out partying, or they had hit the hay.

I tapped on me and Sam's bedroom door. I could hear some music playing from inside.

"Sam?" I called, nudging it open.

As I entered the room, I froze. There were candles everywhere, and a record was playing softly on the decks.

"Surprise," said a voice.

I forced a smile as I looked over at him. He was sitting at his desk, holding something out to me.

"What is it?" I asked, walking over to him.

"The only thing I can afford," he said, laughing. "Otherwise I would buy you the world, of course."

I smiled. It was a beautifully folded origami rose, made from writing paper.

I took it. He was so heartbreakingly cute. How can I ever bring myself to end it with him?

"If you unwrap it, there's a message inside," he said handing it to me.

"I can't unwrap it," I protested, admiring the rose. "I will ruin it."

"I can just make you another one," he reassured me.

I inwardly sighed, tormented all over again. Maybe I really had it good with Sam. Maybe I just needed to relax into it more.

"Okay," I said, pulling at the paper. I unwrapped it slowly again and sure enough, inside was a handwritten note.

A rose for my rose,

One day in the future we will look back and laugh at our situation, the two of us living in this tiny little room.

You are the most amazing girl in the world, and you are going to find your dream job, I just know it.

I love you with all my heart.

Sam

My stomach churned. He didn't have a clue. He thought that all my anxieties were about not having a job or any money. He didn't realize that it was to do with us.

And why should he, anyway? I had never displayed doubt before all this. I suppose if anything, we had not slept together for quite a long time, but that was excusable; we had been so stressed and busy with our exams.

It seemed he was thinking the exact same thing because suddenly he stood up and wrapped his arms around my waist, looking into my eyes with an intense romantic gaze.

His lips were on mine, kissing me and pulling me down onto the bed. I succumbed with dread, forcing myself to go through the motions of a passionate encounter - I kissed him back, grabbed his hair and ran my hand down his back. But inside, I was far from feeling passionate. It all felt wrong.

He moved down my body, and I let him pull up my top. His mouth was suddenly on my stomach, and I felt his tongue making these circular motions, moving down further. I stared up at the ceiling cringing, praying for some kind of distraction.

Maybe the smoke detector will go off, or someone might drunkenly crash into our room.

His hands were now on the buttons of my jeans, and he was breathing deeply with excitement. I sat up.

"What's wrong?" he panted.

"I... I -" I stammered.

"What?" he asked loudly.

"I don't feel well," I said desperately, wriggling out from underneath him.

Before he could say another word, I got up and bolted out of the room.

***

After about half an hour locked in the bathroom, I returned. The candles had all been blown out, and the room was now submerged in complete darkness.

I tiptoed over to the bed, where I could make out his body in the dark. Maybe he had gone to sleep, and would just forget about the whole thing; I thought hopefully as I peeled back the covers. I slipped into bed quietly, trying not to disturb him, and laid down.

"I always thought maybe you were just one of those girls that didn't like sex," he said suddenly breaking the silence.

I felt my whole body tense up. This was such an out of character thing for Sam to say.

"It always felt like one-way traffic, but I just never liked to ask you about it, I didn't want to embarrass you," he continued.

I remained silent. I didn't know what to say.

He was right in the sense that I had never really enjoyed it with him, although I had thought I covered it up reasonably well with my acting skills. But I knew he was wrong in that I didn't enjoy it at all.

With Llyr, it had been a completely different experience and one which he could never live up to. But I didn't think it necessary to inform him of this fact. It was kinder to let him think it was me.

"Yeah maybe," I replied, staring out into the darkness.

He sighed, and I heard him turn over onto his side.

I lay there awake for a long time. During those moments, I cursed Llyr and that whole summer. He didn't want to be with me, but he had ruined my chances of ever finding happiness with anybody else.

***

I knew my surroundings instantly from the squawk of the gulls. The skies were china blue, while the sea flashed yellow under the relentless sun, just like it had done that summer.

I stood on a rock, which protruded out into the water, and as I turned, I saw the lighthouse towered behind me. I knew now that I was not far from my parent's house on Starfish; this was the lighthouse which used to keep me awake at night with its beams.

I squinted up at the building in the sun. It was a lot wider up close than from afar.

I turned and looked out at sea. The waves were frozen now, and all was quiet; as though somebody had pressed pause. I felt panic build inside me. This felt eerie. Something wasn't right.

A sharp jingle broke the deathly silence, and I sat bolt upright in bed. I could hear my heart still pounding.

I groped about on the bedside table to find my phone; the damned alarm was still set for my early morning cramming sessions. Sam stirred next to me, and I turned it off quickly and lay back down on my pillow. What a horrible dream.