The Call [Loki x Siren Fanfiction]

Chapter 40

As I leave lockup again, for the fourth time in two days, I stop and slump against a cold wall. This is exhausting. Emotionally more than physically, but I've hit the point where one transfers into the other. Every day for hours at a time, sometimes more than once, I head into lockup to visit Loki. Most days I can go sit inside with him. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't, sometimes he just asks me questions about things as if he has to verify that it's what actually happened. There's so many things that he... misread I guess is the correct word. I know that it happened and how it happened, but he saw it completely differently.

Some days he sees everything differently. It's as if whoever else is in him is fighting for control. Those days I sit outside as he hurls insults and hate at me. Today was one of those days. I have to tune him out. Have to be constantly reminding myself that this isn't Loki. This is someone else. I have to fight through the other to get to Loki. So I go, and I sit there. I sit there as he calls me horrible names. As he tells me horrible things I have to convince myself aren't true. I'm fighting my way through the other as Loki fights his way out.

Some days he's there entirely. It's all him, and he's scared, and I get to hold him in my arms. I get to bask in the presence of my Loki. It's wonderful. We pretend that it's one of our apartments, not lockup. We pretend that the world is happy. That the staff never left the weapons storage after it was recovered. Loki never hit me. Everything is happy for one moment.

Then the moment ends, and I have to rush out of the cell before he can get his hands on me. It's like the flick of a switch. A switch I can't see but somehow keep hitting.

I run my fingers over the dark purple bruise that's developing on my wrist. Today was a day that I got too close. I'm supposed to go to medbay and grab some chemical ice packs to try and combat the color. I'll be fine, obviously, but the color tends to stay longer. I thought today would be a good day. I came this morning after breakfast and I stayed until Fury needed me to help with sparring for some of the older agents. Everything was good. Loki was happy and we were sitting in the silence together, though separated by the wall. When I came back, I made the mistake of thinking that it would be ok if I went in. And for a while, it was.

But then he caught me off guard. One of the agents on Loki Duty, as the refer to it, had to rescue me. He told me to go get ice and to head home for the day. Said I deserved the rest, coming in to see him all day, even with how violent he can get. I nodded and left. Now I'm leaning on a wall, trying to keep myself together.

Inhaling deeply, I pull myself together, imagining threads of different things, threads of sad and hurt and scared, and pull them all together. I tie them all into a ball and bury them deep inside me, to try and hide them long enough to get my ice packs.

I straighten up and run my fingers through my hair, trying to make myself look sort of together. I set off, marching through the halls, pretending that I'm normal. There's no Loki to hurt me. Just me. I live on a ship and I train agents and help on high-clearance missions. That's all.

Just me. I remind myself as people start whispering to each other upon seeing me.

Just me. I think as they give me disgusted looks. I know what they're thinking. I'm associating with that criminal who abused her and who stole the only class 5 weapon that has ever been on the ship.

Just. Me. I force myself to remember as a male agent steps out in front of me.

"Check this out, guys," He says, spinning around with an arrogant smile. Everyone glances away from what they're doing to see.

"It's the chick who's so desperate that she had to go to the highest level criminal on the planet to get laid!" He declares, and quiet snickers echo throughout the hall. Loki is not a criminal. This man has no right to speak about him that way! I will not allow it.