To Be A Warrior

Chapter 42: Breathe Into Me

Trigger warning: This chapter has actions of self harm and talk about past attempts of suicide. Also use of the f-word. Viewer discretion is advised.

I feel frozen when we get home. Snowflakes are caught in my hair and my feet feel frozen to the bone. My teeth chatter as Maxine checks for bites, and I flinch every time her hands touch my skin because of the drastic change in temperature.

"You're clean from bites, but you need to go shower," She states. "Nicole told me how close you were to one of the blasts of a burn cube, and that you had to run through some of the area. You need to wash off any residue that could have gotten on you. I remember Janine saying that the residue is toxic. We don't need you absorbing it through your skin. Who knows what could happen then?"

I nod, and after getting dressed again, I head for the shower. It's a short, quiet walk. Most people are staying inside, probably getting prepared for dinner or just relaxing now that they've done their jobs in Abel. I'm sure theirs was a lot more boring than my own job, but it usually is. I just hope no one will ask how it went, particularly Milo. I understand he's curious, and he always wants to be in on the action, but I don't think I have the energy to retell what happened.

To be honest, I'm not even sure I have the energy to go to the dining hall at all. While that mission burned a lot of energy that I certainly need to make up for in calories, I don't know if I have it in me to endure the lights and the sound of a hundred voices all trying to be heard over each other.

When I reach the showers, I grab my clothes from my locker and then grab a towel and hang them up. I step inside the stall and shed my clothes and toss them out to be picked up later. I try to angle myself so the water won't immediately hit me when I turn it on, but a few cold droplets manage to hit my skin. My face scrunches up into a grimace, but I endure it as I wait for the water to heat up. Since my skin feels ice cold, the water only has to be fairly warm for it to feel boiling hot.

I stand under the water stream, giving myself a minute to get the blood flowing back into my fingers and toes before washing my body and hair. It's a simple routine, one I've done so many times I can do it without realizing.  The routine leaves me sitting down in the showers once I'm done, the sound of the water being in such a pattern that it fades into the background until I barely notice it at all.

The victory we had today was a good one. We destroyed an entire horde of V-Types and we saved Dennis and Peter. Well, Sage convinced them to save themselves. Today was a good day, and yet I can't stop thinking about how Peter just... keeps trying to get himself killed. First on the island, and now here.

And I've been trying to talk to him, trying to convince him he is needed, and he is important! But he still tries to...

Does that make me a bad friend? Have I not been doing enough? I shake my head. No, that's not it. I was the same way, thinking myself as replaceable, disposable. I sank into that mentality over and over again despite many people telling me the opposite. It wasn't that they weren't doing enough. I just heard their words and kept refusing to believe them.

That's how Peter is now. The more I think about it, the more I think about his stupid choices, how his death would have been a stupid, pointless waste, the angrier I become. I know it's because he felt like a burden. I know that! But it doesn't stop me from being angry.

It also makes me angry how it was Sage he listened to out of everyone. He didn't even like Sage that much! I mean, he does now. He even said he'd consider it when Sage offered that Peter travel back and forth from Abel to Banktown if he wanted some jobs that didn't involve being around the V-Types and the possibility to get bitten.