All Over Again

| Chapter Forty-Six |

Ruth didn't panic often.

In fact, she could name the number of times she panicked on one hand in her entire life, and in no particular order.

1. Telling her mom she wanted to take a gap year and then move to Oklahoma for college to be closer to family.

2. Filling out the NYU application

3. Realizing she was into both girls and boys.

4. Telling her first crush Madison that she wanted to take her to the 8th grade formal after that revelation

5. Hearing the awful news that someone she loved was gone before she could even get the chance to know him.

Sure, Ruth's had anxiety numerous of times, particularly stemming from the rocky relationship she had with her mother, but nothing specific that would make it make the list. Nothing her mother had ever said or done to her could have prepared her for number six on the list that forced her to finally use her other hand.

Telling Raffo the truth about getting into NYU. And that she was set to begin her courses in May.

She was absolutely terrified for his reaction to her news, and even went as far as avoiding the conversation for the rest of the week. She promised herself that she'd tell him before Friday, but Friday had already arrived. Their school was going on holiday the following week, and though she would hate to start it this way, it would be better than starting it with her continued lie.

Ruth didn't think telling him at the basketball courts would be the best idea, but her cousins were home and she couldn't think of any other place to tell him. The courts were their comfort. The place they built their foundation of trust on multiple occasions. It was where their bridge of foundation was born and she hoped he'd remember that when she goes in for the kill.

They've had such a great week that she almost talked herself out of being honest one too many times. She even had to shove her fingers into her jacket's pocket to keep from visibly shaking and refused to stop walking back and forth beside their usual bench. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think.

She had half a mind to walk back to her car, hop in, and spend the rest of the night with her cousins.

"Ruth?"

Well, there went that plan.

Ruth's heart jumped dangerously in her chest as she spun around. She swallowed thickly at the frown twisting Raffo's perfect lips and the pushing together of his eyebrows, but she expected his confusion. She welcomed it, actually. It was much easier to take than the thought of his anger.

Being there with him killed her, but she had to suck it up.

Raffo, watching her face much too closely, went to move closer to Ruth. She, however, took a hesitant step back and tried to keep her distance, knowing he was going to want space very soon. Raffo blinked at the action and stopped himself from moving any closer.

"Did I—" he started, then paused. "Did I do something?"

Ruth smiled, but it felt more like a half-hearted grimace more than anything. Of course he'd assume it was something he did. Not only was her text a little suspect, but nothing had been wrong between them- not since he explained what happened with Roger.

"No," she confessed. "I—what I have to tell you has nothing to do with anything you've done. I promise."

That didn't bring Raffo any relief. It only baffled him further.

"Then what's wrong?" he frowned. He respected her space enough not to move closer, but by the clenching of his fingers at his side, it took every ounce of willpower not to be beside her while she was obviously distressed.