All Over Again

| Chapter Forty-Eight |

"Hey Ruth!" Emily chirped, flopping into her usual empty chair.

Ruth, who had just been stuck in the Twilight Zone of her mind, looked up from the blankness of her desk and stared almost unseeingly up at the girl who watched her with wide-eyed confusion. It took her a moment, but she finally figured out how to pull up the tips of her lips and give what hoped to be a decent smile; though by the strange look in Emily's eyes, she knew it must have came out as a grimace.

"Oh. Emily, hi," she said, almost awkwardly. Her voice was scratchy and sad from the lack of use over the weekend.

"Why are you acting weird?" Emily questioned, furrowing her eyebrows. "Are you okay?"

Ruth blinked at the question, the word stilling her into silence again. Was she okay? Did okay look like coming to school two hours earlier than she had to be because she couldn't sleep at night? Did okay look like searching the parking lot for a familiar truck for thirty minutes or tracking their familiar footsteps around campus for another short time, only to come up unsuccessful?

She didn't know.

All she knew was that she didn't want to be at school anymore. Everywhere was a daft, cliché reminder of the consequences her actions caused her to lose out on. She could barely stand the sight of the table and bench under the tree or the front of the coffee shop. Hell, even the walk to her classes was going to be triggering for her. There wasn't going to be a Raffo standing outside of her classroom that day. No chai tea latte waiting for her greedy hands, and no passion-filled kiss as a thank you for his thoughtful gesture.

It was all maddening to think about intrusively. She wanted to slam her head against a desk until she forgot about how consuming her thoughts were. But no amount of hitting would be able to do such a thing.

If only he could hear her out . . . hear out her apology. Then, she could go into Christmas break next Friday with an open mind.

"Ruth," Emily murmured, pressing a warm palm to the top of her hand. Ruth gasped sharply under her breath and blinked away the fog of her thoughts at the soft grip pulling her back to shore. The warmth of her touch kept her afloat in reality for a minute, too afraid to drown in the abyss of her mind. "We have ten minutes until Professor Grumpy makes his grand entrance. Can you tell me what's going on? I'm really worried about you."

"You don't need to be," Ruth said. "I'm fi—"

"Please please PLEASE don't finish that sentence," Emily begged, squeezing her fingers tenderly. "You're definitely not fine. Did something happen over the weekend?"

Ruth's eyes subconsciously filled with tears at her question, further pushing Emily's alarm. But before she could ask again, Ruth let some of the truth slip out between stiffened lips. Her tongue was numb as it moved, but it found a way to push the words around her mouth, forcing her voice to vibrate out of her throat.

"I think . . . I think Raffo and I are over," Ruth said, quietly. Her chest squeezed at the words.

Emily frowned. "Over? Why?"

She briefly hesitated, though she didn't know why she did. Emily and her made no plans to live together, and even if they had, she wouldn't have minded all three of them living together. But it would have been a terrible idea and Ruth was tired of wishing for things to be different. It was too disappointing.

And to answer Emily's earlier question; no. She wasn't okay, and she didn't know when she ever would be.

"I asked him to come with me to New York, even when he's told me multiple times that he can never leave Oklahoma," Ruth finally forced out, chewing on her inner cheek.

Emily looked at her with wide eyes, clearly not expecting her answer. She opened her mouth a few times, her stumble lasting all but half a second before she ran her thumb soothingly over her skin.

"Ruth . . . there's nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes. You asked him because you-" she paused, furrowing her eyebrows. A sympathetic, sad smile stretched across her lips then. "Because you love him. And no one can fault you for trying to make it work. Not even him."

"But I should have never brought up the things I did just to get him to stay with me. Loving someone shouldn't be that selfish and I feel like that's the kind of person I turned into."

"You're not like that, Ruth," Emily said, firmly. "I haven't known you for very long, but you're not a selfish person. Wanting something to happen doesn't make you selfish."

Ruth didn't believe her, but she didn't have to sit and act like she did for long. By the time she forced a smile to cross her quivering lips, their professor showed up and began to get ready for class to begin. But just when she was going to slide her hand out from under Emily's, she was stopped by the pretty girl trying to gather her attention again.

"Let me treat you to something at the café," Emily murmured, her eyes soft. The small tilt of her lips made the 'no' beginning to build up at the tip of Ruth's tongue stop itself. All she could do was bite her lip and nod her head.

"Alright," she agreed.

Emily removed her hand from hers. They both turned their attention back forward and Ruth tried her best to immerse herself into the world of Chemistry. It didn't work very well, but it kept some of Raffo at bay. She could get through a few equations without the occasional eye water, but as soon as her professor started talking, she was zoned out. She couldn't describe how empty she was feeling, even when she was sitting next to one of her friends.

So, by the time they gathered their things and walked outside after class ended, she was battling the urge to just go home and wallow in her own pity.

But the sight in front of her kept her frozen.

Ruth watched as a girl with silky hair and smooth, tawny skin pressed her hand on top of a familiar guy's knee as he sat on top of a table with her sitting below on the seat. They both seemed to be bent towards each other, talking low amongst one another with his pretty brown eyes trained on hers. The most beautiful, little smile was tugging at the corners of his perfect lips and he nodded to whatever she told him. All the while never removing her hand from his leg.

Ruth's breathing hollowed. She knew better than to come to conclusions, but she couldn't stop the rush of air from whimpering past her lips as she sped away from Mirana and Raffo, who were caught up in their own little world. There are worse scenes she could have witnessed, but the thought of them sitting so close together, smiling at one another with her hand on his leg made her heart squeeze painfully in her chest. The all too familiar sting of her eyes made her abruptly turn from a confused Emily as she booked it straight to her car.

"Ruth!" Emily called right behind her, a hand grabbing at Ruth's arm. She shrugged her off. "Wait!"

"I have to get out of here," Ruth said, rushing towards her car. Was that why Raffo was avoiding her? So he could cuddle up to Mirana instead? "I can't be here."

Ruth didn't wait behind to watch Emily's face fall as she broke another person's heart. Though she appreciated the offer, she wanted nothing to eat or drink. She just wanted to get as far away from Mirana and Raffo as she could before she broke down in front of either of them. School may not have been a big enough factor to focus on, but her unwanted party and seeing her parents very shortly was enough to pull her attention for as long as she needed it.

And at that rate, she was willing to try anything.

*****