Tara Ahuja's Golden Rules

18: Silence

Last night's "prom", and specifically Varun and I's kiss, played on repeat in my head. It was more than magical. My head was still reeling about the fact that he put it all together and arranged it so quickly. I had barely just told him about the Ezra prom thing, and he arranged this whole prom in couple hours. How did he do it?

Ajit came home at about midnight and by then I was all cuddled up in my bed and fast asleep. I had school the next morning, so I couldn't stick around too long. Varun understood that. We still had more than enough time, though, at our little prom.

When I reached campus the next day, it was as if I had a new perspective on life. A new hope was glimmering within me. Sure, whatever this thing was with Varun was immensely scary and could potentially be life-threatening, no joke. It still felt like something to hope and live for, as dramatic as it might sound.

When I entered my business class, my eyes immediately met Ezra's. I felt conflicted when I looked at him. Should I have been feeling a sense of guilt? No, we weren't together, and I told him to give me some space. I stared straight ahead the whole class, avoiding eye contact with him.

After class, it was no surprise, when Ezra rushed behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around, and met his worried eyes.

"Hey," he said, slightly panting, "Are we good?"

I bit my lip. it was so hard to explain to Ezra that I wanted space because he never seemed to get it.

"Ezra, I just needed some space, that's all," I said.

He held onto my shoulders, "I gave you space, Tara," he said, sternly.

"It's been a day," I said, unamused.

"Yeah," Ezra started, "But haven't you—" he cut himself off. He shook his head in disbelief, "No, you probably haven't, because you've probably been talking to him." He took his hands off my shoulders.

Whatever mental gymnastics Ezra was going through right now, I didn't want to know. He eventually came to the right conclusion, though, I was talking to Varun.

Ezra shook his head and kept his unwavering glare on me. Was this an attempt to scare me or something?

"I'm allowed to talk to Varun," I said. Sure, that's not the only thing we did, but did Ezra really have that much control over me? He didn't. Not anymore.

"Funny I didn't even have to clarify I was talking about," he said, smugly.

I scowled at his disgustingly rude demeanor. "Yeah, because you're the one who made a big deal out of it in the first place, " I said.

Ezra studied my horrified expression, and just clicked his tongue in his cheek. "So, you could look me in the eye and tell me there's nothing going on between you and him? " he asked.

This was the moment that would determine everything. This was the moment I would come clean to not only Ezra, but myself as well. Was there anything really going on between Varun and I, or was it all just some other kind of lust or emotions?

If there was something going on, did I want Ezra to know? Would he be the type to leak it somehow? These were all risks.

"Save it," Ezra said, before I spoke, "Your silence tells me everything."

Ezra shook his head in disbelief, and slowly I saw his anger start turning to sadness.

"What can I do to fix it?" he asked, with glassy eyes.

I felt myself feeling a lot of sympathy for Ezra as well. I've been in the same position as him. Not exactly, but feeling like you're not adequate enough for someone... we've all been there.

"I'll do anything," Ezra pleaded, grabbing a hold of my hands, and squeezing them softly.

I rubbed my thumb over his hand, "You can't do anything, because you didn't do anything wrong. It was a lot for us to try to make this work again, and sometimes once it's broken it can never be fixed. "

"I'll spend my entire life fixing it," he said, as a single tear rolled down his veiny red eyes, "Please, Tara," he whispered.

It took everything in me to not just say fuck it and give him another chance. Seeing him cry was my ultimate kryptonite. It wouldn't be fair, though. If I gave him another chance, it would end the same way. It would be more painful that time. Maybe the easiest thing would be to end it now before any of us get hurt even further.

Another part of me couldn't help but think of Varun. When I imagine being with anyone, the only person that came to mind with him. Even though that relationship would be incredibly difficult because of all the barriers, for Varun it seemed worth it, and I guess for Ezra, it just didn't anymore.

"Say something," he urged, watching me with his pleading eyes.

"Ezra, I can't do this to you. We can't do this to each other. You have so much love to give, and honestly it's been wasted on me. Someone will take that love and cherish it and love it so much and give you the same love back. I just can't do that for you and I hope and pray that you find someone that can and will," I said.

Ezra shook his head and licked his lips. "No-no, it's not wasted on you, it's never been wasted on you. I-I love you, I don't want to love anyone else," he said.

God, this was the most difficult thing ever.

"I'm so sorry, Ezra," I said.

He swallowed hard, wiping the tears from his eyes. I guess he realized that nothing he could say would change my mind. He straightened up and looked at me, one last time. Without another word, he pivoted and walked away.

It hurt like hell, worse than hell, hurting Ezra like that. He didn't deserve it, and it sucked, but I couldn't control my feelings. I also had to remind myself that it was the right thing to do, to come clean. Leading him on when I didn't truly have feelings for him would just be wrong, and I would never want anyone to do that to me.

Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one.