Tara Ahuja's Golden Rules

33: The Golden Rule

We claimed that my father had died from diabetes, but he actually committed suicide as a result of strict, outdated, cultural gender norms.

I spent my life being ashamed of talking to a boy. I spent my life being ashamed for having a lot of love to give and wanting to express it and share it with someone else. I spent my life being ashamed of the natural human desire for connection.

I made some mistakes; I lied a lot, and sometimes I forgave too easily. I broke the Ahuja family's golden rule that specifically stated: Never discuss boys. I cried many tears, and sometimes thought that this whole love thing wasn't worth it in the end.

As a wise man once said, though, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I'm glad I loved. I'm glad I broke my heart, and expressed all these beautiful and raw emotions within me. It's what got me to Varun. It is what led me to the ultimate happiness in my life. Sometimes I had to face the darkest nights, but if it led me to the brightest days, it was all worth it. Every single tear cried, every single sleepless night, every single heartbreak was all worth it.

It was the last dance of the night, and I was more tired than ever. It was definitely past midnight and I had been running around all day. At this point I was scared that something stupid could've slipped out of my mouth at any moment. I had a habit of doing that when I was incredibly tired.

Before I knew it, a familiar song began playing.

I'd wait out in the rain

Not caring about all the pain

You're the only one I see

But darling, you can't say the same.

It was the first song Varun and I had ever slow danced to together. They played that night at the restaurant, at the ice-skating rink. I remember being so scared of my feelings for Varun at that time, and so unsure of what the thing was that we had between us.

I even remember thinking at the time that my favorite songs playing at random places were a token of good luck. That was clearly true because I was the luckiest girl ever to be dancing to the same song with Varun twice. First I danced with him as slightly more than friends; now I danced with him as his fiancé.

My head still rested on Varun's chest, and my eyes were shut against them. I felt drowsy. Varun was basically doing all the swaying, and he was supporting my entire weight too. I felt bad, but I was a bit too tired to care.

"You know, I love you, right," I mumbled against his chest.

I felt Varun's breathing hitch. And then it hit me, what I just said. I was hoping for something like that to not just pop out of my mouth.

Varun slightly pulled away, and all of the sudden I felt like I jolted awake. My eyes widened as I noticed Varun's unreadable expression. The beautiful song was still playing in the background.

"Do you mean that?" he asked, in a dark, stern voice.

I swallowed hard, of course I did, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to admit it. Sure, I agreed to marry him, but we agreed on a long engagement. "Uh, Varun, I'm just really tired, and I'm spewing out everything on my mind right now—-" I said.

"But, did you mean that?" he asked, again.

He pulled me closer, watching my lips and then my eyes. He was waiting for my answer.

I swallowed hard, "Well, yeah, of course I do—"

Varun cut me off by catching my lips with his. He hungrily kissed me, and he cupped my face. I took my hand, and ran my fingers through his soft hair. Damn, his soft hair. I massaged his hair through my fingers, and I felt him smile against our kiss softly.

I didn't care that anybody else was on the dance floor. The same way I didn't care that ice-skating night, that nobody was on the dance floor and it was only Varun and I. For some reason, when Varun and I were together, nobody else mattered. That's the way it should always be. I was the luckiest girl in the world.

"I love you, too, Tara," he whispered against my lips, "More than you know."

"Good," I said, softly to him.

"Good?" he jokingly repeated.

I nodded, "Yeah," I said, in a tired voice.

"God, you're cute when you're tired," he said.

I rolled my eyes, feeling a bit annoyed by his sweetness, "God, you're annoying when you adore everything I do," I said.

He chuckled. He grabbed a hold of my hand and began swinging it up and down. How you had this much energy, I wasn't sure. He had been up all day helping me and running around as well.

We finally decided to take a seat, and I felt Dahlia come and sit next to me.

"Thank God you're getting married next because I'm not ready for all of this to end," she said.

I chuckled, "You got your wish after all," I teased.

Her words flashed back into my mind, "I swear to God if you guys aren't married by the end of my wedding, don't even talk to me ever again."

Varun perked up, and pitched into our conversation; he said, "What wish?"

Varun stayed looking at me, waiting for an answer. "Wouldn't you like to know? "I said. He didn't need to know what the wish was. He didn't need to get a big head.

Varun popped his head over towards Dahlia, "What wish?" he repeated.

I stared at Dahlia with daggers in my eyes. She better not tell him. She would be breaking girl code. Though, she never really had a problem with that all weekend, so maybe she would.

"Well basically... Dalia started, "I said to Tara here when she told me that you guys were reunited, that 'I swear to God if you guys aren't married by the end of my wedding, don't even talk to me ever again."

Varun began chuckling and looked over at me. "Is she serious? Is that what she said?" he asked in disbelief.

I rolled my eyes, not answering his question, which basically answered his question. Yes, she really did say that.

"Damn Dahlia, I've said it before, and I'll say it agin, why didn't you come into Ajit Ahuja's life sooner?" he said.

I laughed at his words, and so did Dahlia.

She nodded, dramatically, "I know right, I say the same thing all the time," she joked.

For a second I just took a breath and took in this moment. I was here sitting at my brother's wedding, laughing with my best friend and fiancé, feeling more hopeful about life than ever. Everything was okay, no, it was better than okay, it was great.

I wished that I could screenshot this moment and just somehow show a little clip of it to my eighteen-year-old self to tell her everything was going to be okay. I'd tell her the heartbreaks were worth it. I'd tell her to just hang on and keep living each day because though she couldn't see it, then, her life would continue to amaze her and become magical. 

And that, truly was my new golden rule: Keep pushing through, because if you do, your life will amaze you.