Tara Ahuja's Golden Rules

22: Varun's Truth

A week passed, and we had a week off of school. Varun had given me some space, and I was thankful for that.

I kept my distance from just about everyone. If I'm being honest, god, I'm not okay. I'm not okay. The crippling loneliness I faced previously, was back, but it felt so much worse this time. I realized that in the past, no matter how bad it got, I always had a glimmer of hope. I was void of that now.

Maybe I was drawn to the radiant darkness. Maybe being lonely suited me. No relationship ever seemed to work for me. No boy relationships, no friendships, not even any familial relationships. I was destined to be alone, forever.

I tried taking my mind off of everything by baking some cupcakes. A little after placing my cupcakes in the oven, I laid down on my living room couch, when I heard the front doorknob jangling.

Varun walked in, and immediately met eyes with me. About a second later, he snapped his eyes away from mine.

"I-uh-I'm going to wait in the kitchen," Varun stammered. I didn't say anything. He walked away and stood in the kitchen. This was insanely awkward.

Suddenly my oven began beeping. Great, perfect timing. I groaned as I got up, and rushed towards the kitchen. It was either facing Varun in the kitchen or letting my house burn down.

I walked past Varun, and reached for the oven, trying to speed up this process as fast as I could.

I reached for the the oven tray, and I screamed, "Fuck!" I jumped backwards and yelped in pain. How could I be so damn stupid?

"Oh my god, Tara!" Varun exclaimed, rushing over to me. He grabbed my burnt hand and examined it. Before he could do anything else, I jolted my hand out of his grip.

"I'm fine," I urged, taking my hand away from him. The burning flesh on my skin would say otherwise.

I walked over to the sink and let the cold water touch my skin. Man, I was getting déjà vu.

Varun just shook his head, and watched me. He walked over to the oven and took out the cupcakes using a towel. I hated that he was helping me.

He placed the cupcakes on the counter, and I just watched him now. I was standing near the sink, just holding my hand.

"Maybe, you should invest in some oven mits," Varun joked, trying to lighten the mood. I bit the inside of my cheeks. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of making me laugh.

"You know, you're not magically never going to see me again, I'll be around and I don't want it to be this awkward forever," Varun said.

You were the one that made it awkward, I wanted to scream. He was the one that messed everything up, not me.

I sighed, "Why'd you have to go and ruin everything, Varun?" I asked, with a hint of sadness in my voice.

His eyes dropped, "I never meant to hurt you," he said. It was easy to say that, but his actions clearly disproved that. "Please, just listen for minute."

Fine, why not? I gave the slightest nod, and I noticed Varun slightly drop his tensed shoulders.

"I really didn't want to tell him about Ezra, Tara," Varun started, "It took everything in me to tell him, because I knew you didn't want me to and I wanted to remain faithful to that promise."

"But, you didn't," I said, cutting him off. He paused, looking down in guilt. I bit my tongue, deciding to let him finish. "Continue," I said.

"I- I just thought about all the hurt you went through the first time with Ezra, and that night at the carnival just kept replaying in my head. Coincidentally that night, Ajit just brought up how you were finally improving and getting over all the things that happened with your dad. I was scared something would happen with Ezra that would ruin everything and my fear—my fear led me to telling Ajit what I saw at the carnival. I-I know it was the worst fucking thing I could've done, and I'm sorry about that," he said.

I nodded, I didn't accept his apology, though, and he shouldn't have even expected that either. "It's not the worst thing you did, though," I snarked.

"I know," he said, softly.

Varun continued, "That's when Ajit came up with his villainous plan. He wanted me to make you fall in love with me. I-I refused right away. I could never do that to you, and I would never do that to you."

"You did, though," I said, faintly.

He met my eyes, "What?" he asked.

"You made me fall in love with you," I admitted.

His cheeks turned a faint pink, as he darted his eyes away from me.

"I-I refused, but I couldn't help it, I wanted to spend time with you. I noticed us getting closer before this whole carnival thing went down. You know, those jokes we were making, the cupcake incident, and all those little moments. When Ajit proposed that I make you fall in love with me, he was basically ensuring I'd spend more one on one time with you, without his interruption. Selfishly, I wanted that," he said.

My eyes shifted around the room, not wanting to meet his eyes. What he was saying was sweet, and understandable, but I still had some doubts.

"Ajit knew practically everything, so you say that you just wanted to spend time with me, but you'd come home and just spill every detail to him?" he asked.

"Er... yeah," he said, bringing his head down in shame, "He- I needed him to trust me, and because of that, he wanted to know every little thing. I did leave out the kisses, and some intimate details, but yeah, he knew the other stuff."

I licked my lips, and nodded, "Oh," I said.

"Yeah," Varun said.

I didn't know what all of this meant. This new information did make me feel a bit better, but part of me still felt icky about how Varun broke my trust. I didn't know what to think at this moment.

"Say something, Tara," Varun said.

I didn't know what to say. "Uh, I- it was good to hear your side," I said.

"Uh huh," he nodded, enthusiastically.

"But..." I started.

"But," he repeated in a sad tone.

"But, I don't know if I could truly from my heart forgive you right now," I said.

It was true. I felt like if I just rushed to accept Varun's apology, there would always be this sense of resentment there, and I would never want that for our relationship. It would make our relationship have an element of fakeness that wasn't needed.

Varun's disappointed eyes shot up, "What do I have to do to make your heart truly forgive me?" he asked.

I pressed my lips together, "If only it was that simple Varun. I wish I knew, but I don't. Right now the only thing that I think could help would be time. Time heals all, doesn't it?" I said.

Varun swallowed hard, "I guess, Tara," he said, weakly, "How much time?"

I playfully scoffed at his question, which sounded like his previous one, "I'm not sure, Varun."

He looked at the floor, "Well, take as long as you want, because I'll be here whenever you need me," he said.

His words were comforting.

"Thank you, Varun," I said, walking towards him.

He examined my movements very carefully. I outstretched my arms, and wrapped them around him. He gently placed his arms around me too, and buried his face into my neck.

"I'm still mad at you," I said, with my head pressed against his chest. His heart was racing.

He smiled, and mumbled, "I know," against my neck.

When I pulled away, I noticed Varun's face stained with tears. "What's wrong?" I asked.

He wiped away his tears, and playfully forced a laugh, "Nothing," he sniffled, "Nothing, it just felt like a goodbye hug, that's all," he said.

My eyes met the floor and my face sunk. What I didn't know at the time was just how much truth Varun's words held.