THE OCEAN

XCIX. good morning, heartache, what's new?

i try not to care — i try not to obsess —
and i know it's only the screen and green circles
curling 'round my consciousness.
and i pretend not to care
in the flashing lights and disco sparkle;
when i'm running through the graffiti and broken glass
with their soft arms and bursting pupils
all over me — i needn't eat
and my jaws tremble with joy —
(but i still wonder is that kiss for me, or only an afterthought: x )
my heart thrumming and eyes begin to stream
as i watch the green glow of the fire escape
when i can't sleep, i can't sleep —
i take kisses from friends and strangers too
(because i still have no one to invite to the party
and it still eats at my insides)
and i just don't want to eat anymore.
i don't want to.
my clothes grow loose and bras gape from my body
(maybe that's a good thing if they go,
if i return to some prepubescent stage
before they budded like small uncertain roses)
and i'll grow my hair long again
like when i was young.
if i could go back to before that point
when mum started to cry all the time —
when her bones shone like brass in her chest
(when we would sip at her energy drinks before school —)
if i could go back
to when none of this had happened,
to my daisy pure haunches
as only little nymphets can have
with no first love, no torn aorta,
and nothing stained quite so badly as this.

(15/10/2017)

i find this image from dumbo so sad, because it shows that actual sign of distress, of swaying, that elephants will do when in an abnormal environment, when they are isolated, for of course they are social creatures. similarly, horses may "weave" in their stables due to lack of stimulation, stress, or isolation from other horses. and then in severely neglected human children, who may display such behaviours as rocking back and forth or banging their heads as forms of stimulation. i think that the disparity that we often imagine between humans and other animals is utterly false.