HIS BEAUTIFUL SECRET (completed)

CHAPTER 13 - SPILLING MY GUTS

As I got into Jake's truck I was aware of the tension hanging in the air. I could feel the anger radiating off of him, so I stayed on my side. I was careful not to say or do anything that might further inflame the situation.

At first, I stared at him, trying to assess his state of mind. It wasn't hard to figure out. He was staring straight ahead, not even bothering to look at me. I couldn't help but notice his furrowed brows and that his mouth was tight with tension. One hand clenched the steering wheel as the other hung in a fist next to him.

He was quiet, trying to calm himself before the flame exploded into a full-grown fire. 
After a few minutes, he gave me a wary look and then hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand, causing me to flinch. I knew he was angry, but I wasn't expecting that. With a fierceness in his voice, he finally spoke, "Damn Sky, what are you trying to do, get that guy killed?"

That wasn't the best way to start off the conversation, and honestly, it pissed me off. Moments before I was being careful not to agitate him, but his audacity changed things. The way he spoke to me struck me the wrong way.

"I don't know Jake, what are you trying to do, get in that girl's pants?" He stared at me for a moment, processing what I said and replaying the nights' events in his mind.

"It's not like that Sky, she was coming on to me, not the other way around," he insisted. There was truth to that statement. He had gotten up and walked away. He could have gone as far as he wanted to with her, but he chose not to.

"Why not?" I inquired. Even as I asked this question, I realized that I had overreacted.

"Gee I don't know, there is this girl Sky who invades my thoughts every second of the fucking day." His comment shocked me and if I am honest, it made the drunk butterflies in my stomach turn flips.

"So it was because of me?" I questioned.

He let out a long sigh before answering.

"Shit Sky, what do you think? I have been worrying myself sick over you. You call me because you're scared, then you won't answer my calls. You look like your heart breaks into a million pieces every day and you won't let me in that head of yours. I am going out of my fucking mind."

I let his words sink in. I had never thought of it from his perspective. Hearing those words, I could tell I had hurt him. Before I could even muster up a reply, he began again.

"And then tonight, you show up here looking so damn good. I wanted to be with you so freaking bad. Every time a slow song came on, all I could think about was dancing with you. Then, I look over and you are dancing with him, looking like that. What is going on, Sky? I am not sure how much more of this I can take."

I wasn't sure what he meant by that last sentence. Did he mean he was growing tired of me? Was he close to being done with us? Maybe his heart couldn't take any more. My eyes got blurry, the tears were coming and I couldn't hold them back. Before I knew it, I began spilling my guts and once I started, it all came out. I told him everything, explaining how my mom left and was never coming back.

"Dad just sits there in a daze, if he is even home, I have only seen him a few times in weeks," I explained.

It was all coming out as I continued to tell him how Jenny's mom had been such a bright light in such a horrible time. I eventually got around to my relationship with him. That seemed to be the hardest of all because it was humiliating. I kept my eyes fixed on the floor as I spoke, unable to look at him because it was too hard. My hands were shaking, and he placed his over mine to steady them. I started slowly, but eventually, I let all that pain spill out too.

"And this shit with you Jake, it hurts worse than what is going on with my mom and dad. When you rejected me, it broke my heart. I am not good enough for anyone, not my mom and dad, not for you, not for anyone. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that you're not attracted to me?"

By the time I finished, I was crying. For the first time, it felt like a good cry, like those tears had a purpose and they were cleansing my soul.

He moved even closer to me and put his arm around me, pulling me to his chest. He probably wasn't expecting a full-on breakdown when I climbed into his truck. He held me for a while without saying a word. I could tell he was trying to process everything and trying to console me at the same time. It was a relief when he finally spoke.

"Sky, I didn't know, I am so sorry about your mom and everything you have been going through. You could have told me. I would have been there for you, anything you needed." He also told me how awful he felt that I had to be alone in that house so much. He took his time not glossing over the severity of what was going on in my life. His next question seemed to come out of nowhere. He pushed himself back so he could look into my eyes, "And is that what you think, that I am not attracted to you?"

I didn't have to think about my reply.

"Yes."

"Damn Sky, how could you think like that?"

"Because you flat out refused me," I replied. What I said stung him a little, I could see it all over his face. He let out a long sigh.

"Sky, you have this all wrong. It's just that you are so sweet and so innocent, I don't want to..." His voice was low and intentional as he spoke. He wanted to choose his next words carefully. "Break you," he continued. "My prayer is that we end up together. I hope I find the courage to make this right, but what if I don't? I don't want to take things too far and then have to walk away. I know that would destroy you."

For a moment the word "broken" hung in my mind. Is that how he saw me, as broken? I knew I had a screwed up life, but that was harsh.

"Jake, you've probably slept with hundreds of girls, you didn't mind 'breaking' them," I shot back.

He stared into my eyes, trying to make me understand.

"You are different Sky."

"Why is it so different with me?"

"It just is. Damn, when I am around you, it's all I can do to keep my hands off you. Look at you tonight. Those jeans are hugging you in all the right places. You're sitting there with your back and shoulders out like they are inviting me in. I want to kiss them until I get lost in you. I know if I ever let myself go that far, I will never find my way back."

He was genuine, I could see that in his expression.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is, you aren't the only one who could break, I won't get away without damaging myself," he honestly replied.

"So, you find me attractive?" I questioned.

He closed his eyes and shook his head in frustration.

"More than you will ever know, so much it hurts."

Somehow, knowing that made me feel lighter, like it lifted a weight. I wasn't the ugly ogre he kept hidden under the stairs. I couldn't help the smile that appeared on my face as I turned to him, pulling myself into his lap. That surprised even me, but what he said gave me a newfound confidence. Looking into his eyes, I began kissing his lips.

"So if I kiss you like this, it might drive you crazy?"

He moaned as he closed his eyes.

"That strawberry lip gloss is about to make me lose my mind," he whispered.

I moved to his cheek and kissed him, trailing to his neck. Planting soft kisses there, I felt his breath increase. I listened as he inhaled and exhaled, trying to maintain control. He let out another moan as I ran my hand through his hair. I noticed the bare skin peeking out of the collar of his shirt and pressed my lips against it.

With his eyes still closed, he grabbed my wrists and whispered, "Stop, Sky."

"But I enjoy kissing you," I whispered back.

"Sky, I told you how hard this is for me," he said with labored breath.

I climbed off of him and sat back down in my seat.

Staring right into his eyes I said, "Challenge Accepted."