That Little Space Between Never And Ever [completed]

♡ Part 1 ♡

We arrived at the circuit after driving almost three hours. My whole body was hurting and I had become very tired. Charlie looked at me from the side and smiled. ''Is everything alright?'' I looked at him and smiled too. ''Yeah, I am fine, thanks.'' Answering this, knowing he knows that I'm not okay, hurts a bit. I was feeling really badly to be honest... My mind couldn't shut up for a single moment and I felt very restless. He is my brother, I love him, we understand each other. Why am I still lying at him? All I did while we were driving to Belgium, when we weren't talking, was looking outside and thinking. Thinking about myself, about my mental health, all my 'I am okay' lies... I wasn't and there weren't many people who knew that. I decided not to think about this anymore and have fun together. We were at the freaking Belgium Grand Prix! I don't have time to worry, Spa Francorchamps, we're coming!

"How can we get to the parking lot?" Charlie muttered. I laughed at him and pointed to the large plates that were everywhere. "Well, I'm not sure, but maybe we should go that way..." I said, still laughing. Charlie looked in the direction I was pointing and laughed too. ''I am glad we got together. If I was alone I would be lost.'' He winked at me and tried to hug me. That did not go well. I ducked and his hug stopped hugging my car seat. He pretended to do that. ''I love you, beautiful and sweet Ford Ka.'' He ended his act by kissing the chair. I hated myself at this point... laughing about everything, acting like I am fine... I was killing myself, my thoughts were. The fear was bigger then ever and my breath was quickening. My hands started to sweat and I stared out of the car window, trying to calm myself down. It was okay, everything would be fine. You are far away from ho- I silenced my thoughts, there is no point in thinking like that. At that moment we heard a horn. He looked briefly over his shoulder. There were three other cars waiting for us to continue driving. Charlie lowered himself back into his seat and accelerated. He took the road as indicated and the cars behind us started moving again. I looked at him and giggled again. ''Only you can do this, right?''
''I know, that's why  I'm this great.'' He answered. It was only thursday evening, but it was already quite busy on the camping field. There were many campers, caravans and tents. We parked the car and got out. It was so loud and crowded in the field. My head throbbed and my hands started to shake. Charlie looked at me and I could see in his eyes that he was worried about me. ''We can go to a hotel if you want...'' He said softly. I shook my head. A hotel is expensive and I was assured that all the rooms were booked. I wanted to stay here, yes there were too many people and really loud music and yes I knew that it was only going to get worse and worse until sunday. But we were outside and knowing that we could walk to the track in just 12 minutes made my heart beat faster. "We can stay here." I told him. He looked me in the eye and I could tell he knew it was the truth. I wanted to stay here, really. We saved a long time for the trip, our parents paid a little, but most of the money we paid ourselves. That was the idea of this weekend, go together and arrange it together. ''Okay, well, let's go then! We have to pitch our tent.'' He walked to the car to open the back door. We opened the doors and our bags started falling out of it. His car isn't that big and we had kinda much luggage with us. Together we started to carry all the bags and stuff to our camping spot. A few minutes and a lot of sweat later, everything was there. I hadn't noticed it before, but a girl and a boy who were the same age as us were looking at us. I watched it, just like Charlie. "Can we talk to them?" He asked me. I looked confused, I never just walk up to someone to talk and he knew it. Then I realized that was what he wanted. He wanted me to meet people, make friends and stop isolating myself. "Yes... we can go to them..." I said hesitantly. He grinned at me and started walking towards then. I slowly shook my head and then walked with him.

That evening the four of us sat in a cafe. Isabelle and Steve are very nice and we decided to have a drink. We found out that they are Dutch, just like us, so that was a lot of fun. We went to a cafe in Malmedy that was only a 10 minute drive from the camping field. Charlie and Isabelle were discussing their training, qualifying, and race predictions when Steve shook me out of my mind. He hugged me from behind and I had a half heart attack. "Do you want to Dance?" He asked and smiled sweetly at me. I smelled the alcohol in his breath. I hate that smile, I have only been drinking water tonight. I never liked to dance, at least not in public and in cafes. I sought help from my brother, but he didn't notice. He was too busy debating who will finish higher this weekend, Max or Charles. I really had no idea what to say, I didn't feel like dancing, but I also didn't want to be that boring and rude person who said no. Just when I was about to admit to dancing with Steve, I was rescued by someone jumping onto the stage with a microphone in her hand. "It's time for karaoke nighttt!!" she yelled into the microphone. The last time I saw someone so happy, exuberant and enthusiastic was a while ago. This memory was painful and I didn't want to think about it anymore. Isabelle jumped up from her chair as if she had been waiting for this all evening and it was as if she had forgotten about the discussion with Charlie. "Let's go guys!" "Isabelle started screaming too. I averted my eyes, the memories hurt too much. Charlie got up too and Steve reached out to me. "Are you coming too, ma'am?" He asked, then bowed briefly. I got up and hit him, "Shut up, you idiot." I said laughing and he pretended he was in a lot of pain. The four of us walked to the stage where the first song was already being sung. I gestured to Charlie as if I was going deaf. He laughed and yelled at me over the music. "Let's wait for our turn!"

Isabelle and I were sitting at a table together while the two boys were standing on the podium. The first notes of the song begang and I already knew which one it was. I smiled at Charlie when I realized. It was Nervous by Shawn Mendes, I love his music, especially a few years ago. I just couldn't do anything else then smile and look at my brother and our new friend singing this song. When I noticed that Isabelle was looking at me I looked at her back to explain it. ''Awhh, that's so amazing!'' she yelled after I told her a story from when I was 16 years old. I felt kinda embarrassed but I told her about it when we were on vacation on a camping in 2015. I was listening to Mercy by Shawn Mendes when my vacation crush was walking to me and I sang so bad. He never talked with me after that moment. Isabelle couldn't stop laughing at me, but she said that she was really sorry for me too. Charlie and Steve were at the last part of the song. I jumped up, pulled at Isa's arm and ran to the podium together with her. We started to sing that last couplet and again the chorus with the four of us.

You got me acting like I've never done this before
I promise I'll be ready when I walk through the door
And I don't know why
No, I don't know why
Yeah yeah

I get a little bit nervous (I get a little bit nervous)
Around you
Get a little bit stressed out (I get a little bit stressed out)
When I think about you
Get a little excited (I get a little excited)
Baby, when I think about you
Yeah, when I think about you, babe (oh yeah)

Talk a little too much (I talk a little too much, yeah)
Around you
Get a little self-conscious (I get a little self-conscious)
When I think about you (I get a little self-conscious)
Get a little excited (I get a little excited)
Baby, when I think about you
Yeah, when I think about you, babe

When we finished the song everyone started clapping and screaming. I looked up at Charlie who was standing next to me. He smiled at me and hugged me, as if to say; Hey, everything will be fine.