That Little Space Between Never And Ever [completed]

♡ Part 2 ♡

Last night I decided something; I wouldn't fake my feelings anymore. After 2 AM we went back to the camping field from the cafe. Everyone had been drinking alcohol except me, so I had to drive. I was asked several times if I was okay, I kept smiling and saying I felt great. I felt really bad, but no one realized that, which only made me feel worse. After we got to the camping field and we all went to our tent, it took a while for me to finally sleep. At that point, I decided I wouldn't do that anymore. Nobody needs to know about me, but I'm not going to pretend I'm okay anymore. I'm not going to do things I don't want to do anymore just because others want me to do those things. I'm just gonna be myself. If people don't like me, it can happen. I knew I was not going to be able to obey this rule. I always care about other people's opinions and I hate when people don't like me. But I also knew that I would give anything to follow my own rules. This isn't meant to be, I want all that power and everyone has to follow my rules. It's more like, if I want to survive, I need some rules for myself to survive. I get so tired of always pretending I'm happy, like everything's okay, like I'm not dying inside and out ... It's not like I want to talk about it, I prefer to keep everything in and basically push everyone away. After all my crazy behavior, just because I feel awful, I only have two girlfriends left. The rest have given up or I have a fight with. I hate doing this, but I just don't talk about it. That only makes things worse, probably by keeping everything in. I was all thinking about this when I woke up at 9:30 the next morning. Besides all this, I felt fine. A little tired, but otherwise not a hangover or anything like Charlie, Isabelle and Steve will probably have. I turned on my side to look at Charlie. He was still asleep, his mouth half open and snoring softly. Without waking him, I got dressed and crawled out of the tent. It was already quite busy on the field. I quickly wrote a note and put it on my sleeping bag for Charlie to find.

With the car it was only 10 minutes driving. I prefered to go walking, but that would take me at least an hour. I connected my phone to the bluetooth box in the car and turned on my ♡ V I B E S ♡ playlist via Spotify. After singing along to my music the entire ride I arrived at the bakery. I could smell the delicious aroma of fresh bread already when I got out of the car. The smell only became better when I walked into the bakery. The woman behind the counter smiled kindly and was immediately helpful. "What can I do for you?" She asked while patiently looking at me. "Good morning, I'd like to buy some bread for breakfast." I replied, then turned to the display case. Everything looked delicious. There were shelves full of cakes, pastries and sweet buns. Honestly, I would love to buy bags full of that, but it was for breakfast... Finally I decided to bring one sweet bun for everyone and regular little buns too. I ordered from the woman and she put everything in a paper bag. After paying for the buns, I left the bakery and went back to the car. I turned on my music and drove back to the camping field.

Isabelle had also woken up when I arrived at our tents. She had set a table between the two tents and was setting the table. "Hey, you're back! I saw your Whatsapp message and decided to help you out a bit." She said to me and smiled. ''Thank you, Isa, that's very nice of you. Are the boys still asleep?''
''Steve had woken up a few minutes ago, but Charlie is still asleep. I think Steve is coming in a while, he said he had a headache. That's not surprising when you see how much he drank last night." She shook her head. That made me laugh and started helping her set the table. When we were done, I also put the paper bag on the table and set up chairs by the table. I looked at my watch and saw that it was already ten o'clock. "The first practice starts in an hour." I said to Isabelle. "I'm going to wake up Charlie, we really need to eat now. Can you get Steve? " She nodded at me and we both walked over to our own tent.

It felt so good to sit there, next to the track, in the corner of Pouhon. See all those beautiful cars in real life for the first time. Being there with my lovely brother and our new friends. If my mind wasn't that stupid everything would be perfect. I kept thinking, I kept scared, felt so restless. I really had to focus on the track or I would make myself crazy. It was so great to be there and I hated myself so much.Why couldn't I just enjoy the moment? Enjoying it to be there, to live my dream, to make friends, watch the thing I loved the most to look at... Isa looked at me from the side and nudged me. ''Hey, are you okay?'' She really looked worried. ''I'm-'' Before I could finish my sentence I thought about last night. I decided to be real from now and don't pretend anymore. ''I'm not fantastic.'' I said instead of 'I'm fine.' I saw at her face that this wasn't what she expected me to answer. ''Ohh honey, what's up? Can I help you with something? Do you wanna talk about it?'' This was so sweet that I could feel the tears blow up behind my eyes. I don't want to cry, I already cry enough when I am alone. I also don't want to talk about it, I just wanted to enjoy the first free practice session of today. That's why I slowly shook my head at her. "I don't want to talk about it... It's not because of you, it's just me and yeah, I want to enjoy being here." It seems like she got, she hugged me and then she watched the track again. When Max Verstappen came by, she started screaming like an idiot. She smiled at Charlie and he looked exasperated. Moments later, Charlie also started screaming like an idiot, Charles came by ... Steve looked at me, looking for help. I mumbled something to mean I didn't know what to do either. Isabelle and Charlie started to laugh at themselves. They have been arguing all morning and yesterday about who is better, Max or Charles. Steve and I try to stay out of it as much as possible and they've also given up on involving us. They both know that Steve supports Lando Norris and that I don't actually have a favorite driver and don't intend to speak out about such things.