ᵇᵘʳⁿᵒᵘᵗ ; ᵏ. ᵏᵒᶻᵘᵐᵉ

𝟬.𝟳 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗳𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝗼𝘆

huge tw for this chapter: suicide, mentions of overdose, self harm. 

please refrain from reading this chapter if it will trigger something, message me if you need anyone to talk to. this chapter is descriptive from some parts.

play 'memento mori' by crywank.

you looked at the four letters that were in front of you in silence. the feeling was overwhelming, you had shoved the idea that everyone you loved was going to die no matter what and so were you. there wasn't a single day were that thought disappeared, it always lingered. so many questions whirled around your head, you wondered if you've impacted peoples lives, what would happen to you when you move on from life, would you be missed...?

you missed your old self, when you were young and didn't understand. you wanted the pure thoughts still, you wanted to forget about all of this and leave. you didn't want to hurt anyone but your own thoughts twisted you into thinking you were hurting yourself even more by protecting everyone around you. kenma... you didn't want to hurt kenma, you needed each other but the heaviness you felt overcame your strength. your family would have to mourn another lost child and rin would be left alone, your friends would wonder what else they could've done to help you. 

you knew it drained your peers energy having to deal with someone with a mental issue, you only wanted them to feel light again and never have to worry. so that's why you swallowed all of those random pills that shouldn't be mixed from the cupboard in the washroom. the feeling hadn't hit yet, but you had a feeling of dread deep down in your stomach. your whole family was peacefully sleeping right now and you were awake trying to take your own life, your family would find you in the morning... the day after your siblings birthday. 

it was five in the morning and you knew your parents got up around six, you'd have to make this fast. 

standing up you slowly walked to the kitchen to eat one more meal, your favourite. preparing it you could feel yourself start to feel tired, your eyes started to well up regretting you decision. nothing was stopping you from going and throwing up right now or even waking up your parents, what was stopping you? you said it was nothing, but it was something. the feeling over being a burden maybe? or was it the years of constant misery? 

placing your dish in the sink you walked to the washroom slowly, stumbling a few times you quickly tore through the drawers looking for any type of razor. grabbing it you tried to get to your room as quick as you could, you could feel your body shutting down. your stomach started to churn and your head felt light, leaving your body to feel queasy and weak. your breathing had slowed and your body began to feel overwhelmed.

you folded up all four letters and grabbed your sketch book with finished and unfinished drawings of everyone on your nightstand and looked at the thin razor taunting you from your fingertips. the feeling of regret left your body as the stinging over took your body, dropping it it hit the ground making a quiet sound. you rolled over onto your side and closed your eyes allowing yourself to fall asleep, hoping for a peaceful death.