Jennie Kim Is Not Gay || jenlisa

Chapter Fifty-three

Lisa is surprised to hear the door slam.

Her parents are both out at work, and Lisa isn't expecting them back for a while. And so Lisa should not be able to hear the door shutting. The sound is enough to put her on edge, to send her tiptoeing to the top of the staircase to see if she can spot who it is.

She doesn't need to spot them as they soon make their presence obvious.

"I'm home," Mark shouts.

Lisa feels her palms begin to sweat and feels bile rise in her throat. Today had been going so well. Mark wasn't due home for another few days. Suddenly Lisa can see everything beginning to fall apart, the same way it always seems like it is going to when Mark is home.

"Hey," Lisa calls back eventually, once the world has stopped spinning.

"Where are mum and dad?"

"Out at work."

"Oh. And your little girlfriend?"

Lisa has no idea whether Mark is referring to Rosé or Jennie, but either way she knows denying that she's dating either of them won't be successful, there's no other way to deal with Mark other than to go along with what he says.

"Not here."

"Good. I was worried I was going to walk in on you with a finger up your pussy."

Lisa swallows, tries to keep her gaze focused on the wall opposite her.

"Well you don't have to worry about that happening," Lisa says, trying to keep her voice level.

"You mean I wish I didn't have to worry about that."

Lisa has no idea how long Mark is prepared to go on for but she knows there's no way to stop him once he's gotten started. And so Lisa tries to tune him out, stands still and begins to name as many Harry Potter characters as she can.

"Do you ever think about how easy your life would be if you were normal?"

Somehow that statement hurts Lisa more than anything else he has said. Just the idea that Lisa's sexuality makes her abnormal, especially when Lisa has spent half her life desperately trying to fit in, to make herself seem less weird, to make herself seem normal. She hates the fact that it's her sexuality that defines her, like it's emblazoned on every part of her body, seared into her skin, as if it's all that people remember about her. Not a name or a face, just that she's gay. As if that's all they really need to know about her to form an opinion.

Lisa hates being told she's not normal. Because she is, and she knows it, she'd just like some confirmation.

And so Lisa doesn't dignify Mark's' question with a response and instead digs her fingernails into her palms as if that will be enough to distract her. As if the physical pain will be enough to drown out the emotional pain.

"You know there's a guy like you in the force," Mark continues unperturbed, "none of the guys will bunk with him in case he tries to make a move. I still reckon that's the only reason he joined the army, for all the fit soldiers. It's just wrong that he's allowed to do that."

Someone like you. Lisa hates the phrase; hates how it makes her seem so different, as if she's not human, as if she's worth so much less than everyone else. Lisa hates how bigoted her brother is, how closed minded and hurtful his words are without him even realising it. Lisa hates the fact that Mark can bring her good mood down with just a handful of words, words that Mark probably doesn't realise are actually knives, aiming straight for Lisa's heart.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Lisa hates feeling different, and feeling wrong and feeling stupid. She hates her brother and she hates Chahee and she hates Nancy and she hates every stupid person that's ever told her how to live her life. Lisa hates with such ferocity that it scares her, hates so much that she's worried that it's going to overcome her, that one day all she'll be bitter and lonely, unable to trust anyone, unable to love or be loved. Lisa can feel the hatred claw at her insides like a creature trapped inside her stomach, like it's an inherent part of her.