False Confidence

9

It seems like hours later that I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. Alena fed little Emma and I showed her to her room, she didn't want to leave Emma there alone so I brought up her food. Then I messaged Spencer to let him know I was okay. After shoving my food down my face and speaking to my parents I showered and fell easily into bed. Wondering how the two guests were doing. Alena says they have everything they need for the night. I showed them the extra toothbrushes. Watched the sleeping toddler for all of five minutes while Alena reluctantly dashed down to her car to get their clothes and necessities. When she came back her daughter was still in her bed, sleeping, safe. 

I think about the situation, the gravity heavy on my chest. All this time she had a daughter. I remember her in the beginning of the summer, her attitude was carefree and happy. She seemed confident and whole, what changed? Because Emma would have existed the whole time, so what happened to change her perception on life? To make her distrustful and stoic.

Her accusation was true, I might be naïve about the workings of the world but something tells me that before the summer so was she. Maybe not as much as me but she had a security in her attitude that comes from being looked after. I am not sad my rose coloured glasses are coming off. Then my mind turns to little Emma, remembering the book I am sure the main character is a little naïve and carefree, meddling in others lives. She is rich and seems to go about as if she is the conductor to her friends lives. She represents a freedom that Alena clearly is not used to and the weight of the name rests on my tired eyelids. Alena named her daughter after freedom, one she could only hope of having. I no longer wonder why Emma is her favourite book. She might hate me a little for my carefree existence but I bet that part of her wishes she had the same experience. 

That night I toss and turn, unable to sleep. Worried about Alena, about the little Emma about Harriet Everything swirls through my head and makes monsters out of the small moles. I worry so much that I get up and check on them three times in the night. Their door is slightly ajar and I peek in, seeing the pair curled up in the bed, sleeping soundly. This is the safest sleep they have had in a while, I want them to be this safe always.

I said just for tonight but I do not know how to let them go back to that lifestyle. I do not imagine my parents will like the idea either. Morning comes and the minute the sun is in the sky I am awake and in the kitchen, searching for coffee.

"You are up early." My dad walks in, with his gym bag in his hands, he has a boxing club he goes to every Saturday morning "I thought you would be dead after the activity of last night."

"I couldn't sleep." I watch his decent to the coffee machine and seemingly reading my mind he sets the first cup down in front of me, earning himself a grin.

"You were worried?"

"Yes," I sigh into the steaming cup, wishing it could make me alive already, take away all the worries away already. I am not normally an anxious person but I feel like there is an elephant stampede in my belly. "She was living in her car dad! With an 18 month old and I was complaining because she was being a b-" I stop as he raises an eyebrow "Bean." I finish lamely.

"Puts things in perspective doesn't it?"

I nod and he grins, grabbing an apple and sitting opposite me "Life throws us lessons when we are least expecting it."

"How come you are so wise?"

"Oh kiddo," He chuckles with a shake of his head "Why don't you make everyone pancakes, I seem to remember little girls loving those."

"We have mix?"

"We do," He stands up "I am going to gym but I will see you later and we will have a proper sit down talk with your friend to talk about the future."