False Confidence

25

Emma is having a tantrum, she has thrown her rice all over the kitchen and Alena looks like she is almost as close to tears. I do not even know what started the avalanche of emotions. Alena has been subdued since she came back from another therapy session earlier. Emma seems to pick up on that and has refused everything she has had to do like bath and other things she normally does quite happily.

"Please stop crying!" Alena pleads with the inconsolable toddler. "You want milk?" Emma proceeds to chuck her milk across the room in an attempt to demonstrate just how mad she is.

I feel helpless as I watch the scene unfold. Harriet is out with Spencer and I opted to stay at home with Alena and Emma, especially since my back is still bruised and I am still waddling. But now I am slightly regretting it. Alena seemed distracted from the moment everyone got up and Emma has been cranky as well.

"Maybe she isn't hungry?"  I suggest only to get a glare from Alena. Sighing I stand up but it receives a glare when I aim for the doorway so I sink back into my seat. Alena pulls the toddler out of her chair and into her mothers arms. she cradles her and starts speaking Spanish in soothing tones to the little girl who hiccups herself into silence as her eyes flutter against her mothers shoulders.

Once little Emma is sleeping Alena leaves to place her in her crib upstairs.  I stand and pulling some chips out of the pantry head towards the lounge and throw myself onto the sofa. Scrolling through the list of movies, it takes five minutes of shifting through options before Alena heads down, plonks the baby monitor on the table and collapses next to me. I can feel her body slump as she relaxes into the sofa.

"You want to watch something in particular?"

"No, pick anything." I am just about to comment that my indecisiveness is coming into full force but instead my words are caught in my mouth when she moves and curls on her side so that her head is nestled between my neck and shoulder. "Is this okay?" Alena asks her voice tired and soft.

"Uh huh!" I splutter out having a moment when I am not sure what to do with my hands. Her hand comes and its warmth guides me so that my arm is surrounding her shoulders. Something warm blossoms in my chest as I pull her closer and pick some random series.  "You warm enough?"

" Yes." We sit like that through 5 series, which honestly I am not very focused on. Her warmth is something I have never experienced before. Even with Harriet curled up against me it isn't the same. My heart is pounding and I wonder if she feels it. I ma about to ask her if she wants some chips, which have been strategically  forgotten but when I glance down I realize that she is asleep, her eyes shut and her breath even and I smile. She must have been really exhausted.

I sit with her curled up against me for another hour and honestly, I do not hate it. But then I hear Emma over the baby monitor and I do not want to wake her so doing some ninja moves I slip from under her and place a pillow under her head and a blanket over her before sneaking upstairs and smiling at Emma.

"Hello Emma-bear!" I coo, leaning down to pick her up, she seems like she is in a much better mood. I wrinkle my nose when I smell something off. "You are a stinky girl!" I coo and she smiles at me her little hands curling into my shirt. I debate going downstairs and waking Alena to change her but I still do not want to wake her. Clearly they have been both not been sleeping well. "I guess I could change you, can't be so difficult, right?"

I place her on the table and then proceed to stare at her, looking at the diapers and creams to the side of her changing table. So many choices. "Any help would be appreciated." I mutter but she merely giggles and grabs her toes. "Great, well now is a good time to learn I guess."

"Need any help?" I look spotting my mom at the doorway and sagging in relief.

"Yes, thank goodness!" Mom chuckles walking into the room.  I step away but mom shakes her head and I frown "I will walk you through it."

"I would prefer if you just take over."

She chuckles and shakes her head "You need to learn."

"Or not." My mom isn't budging and proceeds to walk me through the process. Lets just say that I try my best not to gag because that shit is bad! It smells terrible.  "Maybe you should learn to change yourself." I tell the toddler who is very interested in her toys on the floor and not at all grateful to the person who just went through hell to make her feel more comfortable.

"Well done!" Moms enthusiasm is met with a narrow eyed gaze.  "Why don't you go back down and relax, I will look after this cutie, we can make some dinner for everyone!"

"Now you want to take her?" I accuse but mom merely winks and huffing I head to the bathroom to thoroughly scrub my hands before heading back downstairs.

Alena is still curled up on the couch but her eyes are open and when she spots me she smiles, my stomach skips and my heart feels like a rendition for the circus. "You are amazing!" I colour and she pats the sofa next to her.

"Why?" She looks pointedly at the baby monitor and I colour, realizing she heard everything. "Oh, well I think you should potty train her, like pronto because that shit reeks!" She merely smiles, patting the space once more so I comply and sit next to her, yelping when she reaches over and drags me down so that she is hugging me from behind and I have become the little spoon to her warm one.

"Thank you," Her words are whispered against my ear and instant goosebumps pop up. "For everything."

I smile patting her arm that is wrapped around me because I am not sure what to say or if my voice will come out without chinks.  I settle down, loving the feeling of being so close to her , the weight of her arm around me and the gentle breaths against the top of my head. It feels safe. I feel safe and in this moment I hope she does too.