False Confidence

28

Alena Pov 

Harper is wiped out when I arrive home later, her form curled up on the couch under a heavy blanket, her breathing deep. She must be really exhausted if she is sleeping and not reading or boxing or eating sweets and if all she said about Harriet is true then I can understand why Harriet looks equally exhausted.

The dinner table is subdued and only Emma's chatting and their parents gentle ruminating  about their own day filter like gentle caresses over the atmosphere. They took one look at Harper and with a concerned look left her on the sofa.  Emma's shriek's of joy when I put her favourite show on earlier didn't  even wake her.

It is unusual for Harper to be silent but she was most of the day.  Even Spencer had to guide her around half the day and get her lunch for her. I watched from the other table as she barely ate her lunch and slumped on her arms after a few bites. 

I wonder if everything is too much for her now, maybe we shouldn't  be getting involved when she has so much else on her mind. After all I have Emma to think of, I can't  be starting anything  that would cause her to loose the people she has grown so attached to. Especially her favourite twin. I swear she was even considering the swing when she saw Harper having fun on it.

"She will be fine." I look to Paisley who obviously caught my look at the  sleeping lump on the couch. "In 3rd grade she didn't sleep for three nights because she was worried about the class hamster at night being all alone. In 7th grade she obsessed over some show that she had to watch it all, luckily we caught on only one night in and put a stop to it." Her parents shake their heads and it eases the worry slightly, accept it means that she has been worrying or obsessing over something.

It might seem like Harper is simple in terms of figuring out. She loves baggy clothes and radiates sunshine but sometimes the things that run through her head are a mystery. Her sunshine can be so distracting that you do not realize she is spiraling underneath it all. And if I know anything- I know that Harper spirals. 

"Mama, s'eep?" Emma is rubbing her eyes with her fists and I smile at my baby, innocent as ever.

"You tired baby?"

"Em'a s'eep." I excuse myself, picking up Emma before taking my plate to the kitchen. 

"Thank you for dinner," I direct at Grant who smiles at me "Emma say night night to everyone." 

Emma buries her head in my shoulder and mumbles something. "Night Emma." Paisley says standing up since everyone else is done as well and leaning over to kiss my Childs head, my heart bursts because there is no way my mom ever did something like that to me, never mind my daughter. My parents do not even know my daughter.  I swallow the emotions and smiling leave the room. Up stairs  I settle in my room, having bathed Emma and sung her to sleep. Looking around I realize that compared to my room back at my parents house this one is small and yet I feel more at home here than I ever did there. Here there is no one monitoring my carb intake, no one threatening the safety of my child and her spot in my life. 

Only yesterday Grant handed me lunch money without hesitating as he handed Harper and Harriet theirs. Paisley makes Emma her morning snack to take to school most days and often offers to pick her up so I can attend the cheer practice. I feel safe with my daughter in their hands. I wonder if it is a mistake starting something with Harper and threatening that new found security. Laying down I stare at my ceiling thinking about Harper.

I remember the moment I saw her first, it wasn't when she was choking on the stands. It was earlier in the day. Their team had arrived at the same time as ours and while we were getting out the bus I was looking over, scoping out the competition. Only my gaze was drawn to the blonde in the back, whose hair was escaping her bun in crazy curls, her arms laden with bags and suitcases. Despite her overburden arms and the hour of the morning she was grinning at who I now know as Sarah. Her smile seemed to warm the morning air. Watching her felt like a breath of fresh breeze in a stale room. Like suddenly there was something to look forward to. She represents this happiness I could only dream of and even when I was awful to her. I had lost so much and wanted to never have another thing to loose, she was still there, in my face being the strong and amazing person she is. I do not know if I have the ability to let that freedom go. Let her go. But if it is best for Emma I will do it, I have proved over and over again that I do everything with her in mind and heart. 

There is a soft knock on my door and I sit up, seeing it creak before Harriet peaks her head around the corner, she smiles at me and walks further into the room, handing me a big cup of hot chocolate along with some marshmallows. "Thought you might need something sweet, today has been a long one." She whispers and I can't disagree. Today has indeed been long. 

"Thanks."

She smiles and prepares to stand but I stop her with a hand on her arm. "Harriet, do think Harper is, okay?" I am not sure how much she knows but she knows Harper better than anyone. She looks down with what I can only describe as a guilty expression.

"Yeah, I think I just overburdened her with my stresses last night, she worries about others a lot."

"I get that, but-"I stop myself with a sigh, I do not know what I want to ask. Maybe If I am too much for her. If it is a mistake. So instead I change tactics "Are you okay, need any help with homework tonight?" She contemplates this offer for a little before nodding slightly.

"That would actually really help, thanks." I smile as I follow her out the room, sipping the hot chocolate as we go. 

Harriet's room is monotone in pale blues and greys, nothing like the multicolored room of her sisters. Except Harriet's room looks like a bomb went off on it. They only have someone coming in to clean twice a week and  yet I have never seen Harper have so much as a sock on her floor. Harriet's is another story.

"Sorry, I am terrible at keeping it clean." She cringes apologetically "Take a seat where ever." It is the first time I am in Harriet's room and really the first time I have had a conversation with her about something that is not cheerleading or logistics. It is refreshing and I enjoy letting my mind take over with her homework and not the other worries cursing through my veins.