False Confidence

20

Sarah's party is fun, filled with laughter and happiness. I enjoy it immensely even though half of the people there are the Barbie's I am not so fond of. I worry about Alena but my fathers words come back to me and I try to join in with each game and jaunt. Spencer singles me out after cake, eyeing me.

"Something has changed about you, Harper."

I have been bursting to tell him but haven't had a moment so I grin wide, dragging him outside and away from the girls pretending to eat the delicious cake. "You better have a good reason for dragging me out in the cold."

"Alena kissed me!" He stands still, his movements of rubbing his arms ceasing. 

"What? when?"

"Halloween." I grin at his dropped jaw "I wanted to tell you but then everything happened with her parents etc and there hasn't been a spare moment to." 

"Wow." His eyes rake me over "How have you not combusted?" He gets it. How hard it is for me to keep something like this inside for so long.

"How was it?"

"Magical." I look up remembering it and the sweet way she grinned after, pulling me into an embrace before our moment was broken my some drunken swimming team members stumbling into the garden. I want to go back there. "We haven't talked about it so I have no idea what it means and if it was just because we were drunk and then everything with her parents happened and we haven't had a moment alone." I let all the worries of the last weak wash out in one swift go. Spencer ever the sensible one grins at me with raised eyebrows. "What?"

"You sound like a love struck puppy."

"That doesn't make sense."

"So you had your first kiss with Alena." He ponders on it "Does Harriet know?"

"No, Although I think my dad kind of knows I like her as more than friends."

"It is pretty obvious," He nods and I scowl at him. "What? you stare at her like she hung the fucking stars and even when you were mad at her it was all googly eyes and jumping heart beats."

"But I do not know what it means!" 

"Talk to her." He shrugs "I do not know what goes on in that girls mind, or any girls mind for that. I thought I had you figured out and then you go all lesbo on me."

I hit him for that and he merely smiles. 

"How did you and Harriet figure out you like each other?" When I first found out I wanted to know all the details but that somehow did not include the awkward first realization. 

"I guess I knew when we all went on that camping trip to the Nature reserve."

"But that was like a year before you started dating!"

"I know but things were complicated because she was dating Travis." 

"Oh yeah I remember that, so were you like secretly in love for a year?"

"Not secretly," He cringes as my eyes go wide "I told her on that camping trip and then she got super mad at me because she was happy with Travis but then by the end she kissed me which made everything like ten times harder." 

I am in shock "How did I not know that whole time?"

"I guess I didn't want to burden you with our problems, I mean we both made some stupid mistakes and I knew you are protective of Harriet so I didn't want to come between that."

"Stop being noble," Rolling my eyes I look at him "So are you saying it might take a year before Alena and I are dating?"

He grins "So you want to be dating her? because kissing and dating are two very different things."

"Wait what?" Pausing to consider I realize what he means "You saying she is only wanting me as a casual hook up?" The fear is instant and overwhelming "I can't do casual!"

Honestly sometimes I think I am already in love with her. "Calm down Harper, I am only teasing. I am sure her intentions are true."

"How would you know!" I am panicking, no words he says calm me and I remain that way as Harriet calls us inside and we say goodbye. Heading home I can't help but think of casual feelings. I can't handle that. and a year? I am not sure I have the patience for a year.

Alena is outside in the back with Emma when we get home. I watch from the living room as she tries once more to entice her daughter to the swing. Emma is having none of it and instead moves to the roses, half falling in to lift her nose to them. I smile, that little girl is the cutest. Realizing  that a relationship with Alena means one with Emma makes the reality sink in a little further. There is nothing casual about it when Emma is involved. That kid does not deserve confusion of heart break and I will not put her through it. 

Instead of heading outside like I really want to I force myself upstairs. To shower and get started on the mountain of homework I have to get done before thanksgiving. My dad was right, I can't forget about my future. I have been working hard for it and I have to continue. What use am I if I can not even follow my self designed path.

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