Healing

24.

I get into the car and automatically call Hasan to explain the situation to him. It was the only thing I could think of doing right now. I needed to vent to someone I knew would give me, not the kind of advice I wanted to hear, but the kind of advice I needed.

"Did you not tell him? The prophet PBUH said 'A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty or her religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously committed.' You know that." His voice sounded strained. 

"He wouldn't have listened. He literally based his rejection off of her ethnicity, not her character or how religious she is. Didn't even give her a chance the moment I told him she wasn't Malaysian." 

"Wasn't he the one who insisted you take all those religious classes when you were younger."

"That was only because of my mom. She calmed him, I think. The second she was gone his old personality started to slowly set back in."

I hear silence on the other end. He had always been close to my mother so it was hard for him to talk about her. 

"Would me going ahead and doing it without him saying yes be okay?" I ask.

"We can ask Sheikh after you come back to Paris. You think you can hold up until then?"

"That seems slightly hard right now."

"I can ask Sheikh today if that helps. I'll call when I go to the Masjid so you hear everything he  says."

"Yes, I would appreciate that. Thanks bro."

"Of course. Keep your head up."

"Hasan, I feel like punching something really really hard." I could feel my guts shaking.

"I'm sorry he reacted like that. Try to get your anger out another way. Preferably not by punching anything in the car. Try grounding yourself with that trick my mom showed you." He of all people knew how hard I tried to keep a calm demeanor. I never yelled, never raised my voice even in arguments. The amount of effort I had put in to become the person I was today had amounted to 1/3 of my life.

But my father had a way of bringing out the worst in me. 

I close my eyes and try my best to breath normally. To remind myself everything was going to be alright. I was just getting too caught up in the moment. "I'll try to deal with them properly."

I put my phone back into my pocket and look out at the sky. It was a pretty blue color with the most beautiful array of clouds.

"Can we stop here for a moment," I ask my driver. He looks at me for a moment before obliging. "I'll be back."

"Don't go too far."

I nod, closing the door behind me, and walk a little way from the car.

We were in the middle of nowhere, a prairie of flowers and tall grass surrounding us. The weather was calm, the wind was crisp, the sun shown through, and the clouds gave just the amount of shade one would need on a spring day.

I surprise myself by laughing. My surroundings were so different than what I was feeling right now.

But that was life wasn't it? Nothing would stop for anyone. The world would keep on moving. And at one point or another, you would too.

I take in a deep breath and admire the beauty of Allah's creation. Nature truly is Gods gift to us.

I focus on what's around me. The sounds of distant chirping and a light breeze, the smell of the cool air and the light fragrance of flowers.

Slowly, I let the tension leave my muscles. I can feel me turning into my actual self and leaving the past me behind.

That was easier than I had expected.

That was a big step for me. It was improvement. 

I was making improvement.

The realization ticked off something inside of me. I was progressing.

I was proud that I hadn't done anything rash or let my emotions lead my actions.

I slowly walk back into the car and the driver takes me back to the hotel I was staying at without another word, although I did catch a pitying look. It was his way of giving me some space, as he knew I probably wanted space.

"Thank you," I tell him when he opens my door.

His surprised face only lasts for a moment before he graciously says your welcome.

I walk back into my room and immediately go make Wudu to pray Maghreb. 

"Allah," I say as I conjoin my hands to make dua. "Please grant me peace of mind and calm my troubled heart. My soul is yours to take at any moment. Please help me in controlling my nafs, so it is not able to control me. I come to you for refuge from myself. I'm proud of what I did today. And all of that was possible because you allowed it to be. I love you Allah, thank you."

After a little while, I decide to go to the hotel gym to lift some weights. My body was fit and already in shape as it was, due to my extreme gym rat phase when my mother had died. 

It was mostly because it was a distraction. It got my mind off of everything including my feelings. And right now, that's what I needed as I waited for Hasan's call.

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Major improvement for Omar here, our mans is slowly getting there :)

Also, I think you guys can see just how much of Omar's life is shaped by his mothers death. It may be an uncomfortable topic for some because of how recurring it is. Most of your life in that period sort of revolves around that person, and even well after that time has passed. I just wanted to encompass how much death can affect one person.

Word count: 891

Date Posted: 02/24/2022