Slipping Through My Fingers | Xicheng

Chapter 11

For those for whom the thought of taking their own life has never occurred, this act may seem stupid, bizarre, even absurd. However, to the person that has had it on their mind for a while, it is one of the most painful thoughts. To some, it can seem easy, but it's actually not. One is definitely battling all the cons and pros until one side finally wins. It doesn't only take a single flick of the finger, believe me. Leaving everything behind takes an unbelievably large amount of courage, as it's not always the coward's way out, but of a person who simply has had enough.

***

"Uncle," Ren Tian greeted Lan Wangji when he stumbled upon him in the corridor.

Lan Zhan's facial expression became softer when he saw his nephew. That young man in front of him always had a special place in his heart since the day that he unceremoniously yelled at him for being mean to his Baba, calling him a "big meanie", and then, as if nothing happened, telling him to teach him how to play guqin. It wouldn't be saying much, if he called himself Ren Tian's favorite uncle.

"A-Tian. Are you well?" He asked him, seeing the strain of the last events on his face.

"Let's talk in my room," he said, turning on his heel and heading to his quarters.

Lan Wangji followed him without so much as a word. It's funny how much his nephew resembled him, not by looks of course, but by character and manners. Although he was nicer in manner and less withdrawn than Lan Wangji, he still kept mostly to himself. His true self was known only to his family and clan members closer to him. He detested the feeling of nakedness that occurred once he showed more than he intended in public, to people who were essentially strangers to him. Lan Zhan was glad to have the honor of being the confidant of his innermost urges and feelings.

They stepped into Ren Tian's chamber, and Lan Wangji was immediately taken aback by the changes that occured in it. Wei Wuxian had mentioned them this morning but it's still hard to process. All of this seems so washed off of A-Tian's personality.

They both sat in silence at a small table by the window, and Ren Tian poured tea into their teacups. Neither of them cared about the fact that it was already lukewarm. They simply enjoyed each other's company. It somehow always consoled them.

When Sizhui was growing up, contrary to the general impression, he was a naughty and noisy child. Jin Ling had quite a part in it, by being the same way. Lan Wangji was unable to quiet himself when the children were around, and everyone knew that he valued his silence immensely. After the incident when Ren Tian scolded him for being unkind to his Baba, Lan Zhan's first impression of the boy began to slowly change. He noticed that, in reality, he wasn't as naughty as the other two boys, and even when he was with them, he kept more to himself, being on the side. He liked to read, study, and was greatly fascinated with music. He learned pretty quickly how to play the xiao and the guqin, excelling in both. A-Tian even confessed to him once that he had come to like him, even before he fully accepted his brother as his second parent.

He glanced to the side where his nephew's instruments always stood and almost let out a sob when he saw that only the xiao and its stand had disappeared from the room, and the guqin was still in its rightful place.

'Oh my poor boy. Your heart must be bleeding from all that pain right now.' He thought to himself.

"I hate him, uncle. I hate him to the core of my soul." Ren Tian broke the silence. "His presence suffocates me, but so does his absence. To be honest, I feel let down by all of you. You made fools of both me and Baba, as if we meant completely nothing to you. I hate it when someone justifies doing something bad with good intentions."

"I know, A-Tian, and I am truly sorry for hurting you."

"No, don't. I am tired of hearing those apologies. Can't you all just stop doing the things that you would have to apologize for later on? Wouldn't that be simpler? I am tired of everything, you know? Being in the middle of everything. You see," he lowered his head, and started fiddling with his fingers. "I don't even remember the faces of my biological parents; I was too young to memorize their images. I feel sorry for them because they weren't able to see me while I was growing up, and I wasn't able to experience their warmth. Baba took me under his wing and gave me unconditional love. But he never changed my name. Some people look down on me because of it; not our sect members, but strangers do. I know that their opinion shouldn't matter, but it still bugs me. I know that he left that decision to me out of respect for my parents, but how am I supposed to make such a decision? Whatever choice I make one day, I will feel as if I am betraying someone."

Lan Wangji smiled softly, and then he reached out lifting his nephew's head so that he would look into his eyes. "No matter what decision you make, no one will judge you on that, A-Tian. Your biological parents brought you into this world and we are all immensely grateful for that, because you are an incredible gift that graced the lives of us all, who had the chance to get to know you and see you flourish into a fine young man who one day will be an amazing leader for his people. You are the center of Jiang Cheng's world. The world that didn't crumble just because you became a part of it, giving him new hope for a better future. The family name is just a formality my boy. It doesn't matter if you are a Ren or a Jiang, we all love you for who you are."

Tears fell from Ren Tian's eyes and rolled down his cheeks. In one swift move, he moved next to Lan Wangji and put his head on his uncle's knees. He sobbed, and for a second, Lan Zhan saw that little boy, who always liked to sit on his lap. He also started crying.

Why do children always have to be in the middle of their parents' conflict? Why do they have to suffer because of their elders? Those are the questions that appeared in Lan Wangji's head, but he wasn't sure if he was referring to his nephew's situation or also to his own childhood.

Would he be different if he had had a normal and happy family? If the elders hadn't destroyed it for him, and he wouldn't have had to watch his every step and be a perfect role model? Those questions are forever going to stay unanswered, and he won't know if he would have been happier or not.